@ a loss...

for words for the moment, & looked thru some past words spoken only to find that they don't reflect who I am right now... damn that writer's block!

O well, not like I have a huge fan base! But perhaps all this gibberish is preparing me for my future, or... it could be worth something one day... ha!

Haphazard

Can you ever truly know someone?? I feel like people always present themselves as who they want to be & not who they really are... & what if they never even become who they want to be?

My 2nd Hero... after my papa, of course!

My New Obsession

As if I need another... By: my most fabulouso cousin, BMW a.k.a Cris Monay.

My Alterego - Part 2

She sits in a corner booth, alone.
Smoke filling her air, as dark as the eyes staring from underneath long, layered bangs
She relishes the solitude that she knows all too well
Loving the opportunity to get to know those that will never know her
How refreshing it is to sit amongst a room full of people & go unnoticed
Body language & facial expressions tell a story that words never will
Her body language, her facial expression, as unreadable as Chinese literature to an American tourist
Those that look her way are greeted w/ eyes that speak evil & they quickly turn back to their superficial conversations
Her mind & hormones sway w/ the music
It’s the only sanity she recognizes in the room
She takes turns sipping dark liquor & puffing, slowly & methodically
Very few suitors have approached, & those that have, have fumbled over their words so, that she lost patience w/ them two sentences into their claim
She’ll know him when she sees him
He’ll know her when he sees her
He’ll approach w/ little hesitation
He’ll take control of the conversation far before she has the chance to turn away
Her one word answers won’t sway him b/c he knows it’s a front
& then he’ll sit, uninvited
& when she smiles, they’ll both know
But, he didn’t come
So, she quickly conjures up a plan b
She’ll call those that have been neglected yet still feening for her
She likes the control but will relinquish it if it causes annoyance
There’s really only one that matters
Years, tears, & lies, have gone by & still they remain
On limited & sometimes strained terms
But, still they remain
& it has worked best this way
He’s pretended monogamy & she’s shunned it
She maintains a constant tri-month rotation, but he has what others wish they could have
She gave it to him w/o wanting, w/o control
Something she never intended to do
Something she would never do again
He’d given her all that she’d planned to attain from another
Love, friendship, passion, sensuality, sexuality, compassion, guidance, support, lies
& even another piece of him, a namesake
As engaging & heart-stopping as their union had been
An ironic reminder of where her life had gone
But no love lost all the same
So, she called him last, expecting the disappointment that often came w/ their arrangement
An arrangement that was filled w/ as much love as a young college couple
They’d tried the monogamy, had discussed taking the walk
But, realized that it would never work b/c neither could give the other what they truly desired, which neither really knew what that was
She wanted to explore the world, but he only talked about it
W/ him, she couldn’t accomplish this, b/c he was her world
Making him happy would be who she would become
& he loved her too much to take that away from her
She was often tormented into illness & mental insanity when w/ him
The darkness that surrounded their union fought w/ her still innocent spirit
So many of those times ran thru her mind as the phone rang
He didn’t answer, not a surprise, but a blow to her heart
Moments later, the phone rang, one of her newly recruited, unsatisfying prospects
He wasn’t the best, but he would do for this night
He was available, & she was lonely, & heated
Thinking of the one she really wanted had sent her into uncontrollable ecstasy
She would give the replacement half of what she would’ve given him
She couldn’t give him all, never would, to anyone
All was his
They met @ his house, he wasn’t allowed @ hers
Never would be
She didn’t waste time b/c she knew if she thought about it long enough, she would cry
She would feel the pain, the rejection, the loss
So, she blocked the memories as she had so many times before, & gave what she could
Once she got hers, she made sure his was quick & stealth
She knew his buttons, & had no desire to give anymore than she had to
He arrived quickly & violently, & she made sure to ignore his satisfying spasms b/c if she didn’t, she’d probably vomit
Just as she had so many times before, she quickly gathered her things, dressed, & vanished
just as quickly as he’d came
It was still early, just after 10
She picked up her namesake & was made whole again
She looked @ him as she always did, as if it were her first time laying eyes on him
Brown eyes just like his pro-creator
Skin color that was such a perfect mixture of mahogany, that neither could take credit
Wavy hair, as if he’d been given to an Indian surrogate after conception
She loved him, she adored him, & she’d die for him
She didn’t look @ him resenting her past
She didn’t spend moments crying over what could have been
She was thankful
She was fulfilled.

Aimless

ly surfing the 'net, yet I feel like I'm in the midst of zen.

Btw, "in the midst" has found its way in my thoughts a lot lately...

Facebook, MySpace, & Me

So, I have been an opponent of these social sites for as long as I could... I must admit that I have a MySpace page but there's abs nothing on it. &, now I'm on Facebook, & I've actually put stuff on there.

Why have I been against these social innovators?? B/c their purpose & use have been misconstrued & abused so much that they've now become G-rated porn sites... maybe not Facebook, but most certainly MySpace.

Not to mention, I'm usually about going against the grain, but sometimes grains are so bad. I guess it won't kill me.

The Devil

Who is the devil??

This is what I believe:

The devil is that part of you that is fearful, resentful, impatient, selfish, unconscious, & disconnected from God.... your emotions & your ego. The Devil is not some supernatural force, or a big red beast. Your devil is you & my devil is me.

My spiritual counselor spoke from Romans 8: "...everything works for the greater good."

Is it that everything works for the greater good, or is it just that God is present in every situation? Meaning that the devil resides in you & when you listen to that part of yourself, the God in you is activated; called & comes to save you from yourself... you are awakened in the midst of your unconsciousness. You are reconnected to God in the midst of your bad decisions b/c He never leaves you. The devil resides in you, but so does God, & your God side is your more powerful side, it is who you really are, it is where/how you find & fulfill your purpose. God is who you really are.

God allows you to make those bad & unconscious decisions b/c He knows that He can pull you out of them, & sometimes He knows that you need to endure them to be awakened. God never leaves you, nor does he leave you confused or misguided. God is certainty. God is peace, serenity.

There is no need to go searching for what's already in you & there is no reason to blame other people, the devil, or other spirits for your wrongdoing... but, you have to awaken to your real self, to the God w/in you to be found, redeemed, & accountable for the mistakes in your life.

Peace of Mind

Still in bum status... But, I've had several posts about my battle w/ incessant thinking & while it's something that I struggle w/, never has it been so severe that it has caused me to lose my mind. I lay here remembering that I've heard of 3 incidents this weekend in which someone has lost their mind; the murderer of Jennifer Hudson's family members, a close family member of mine who struggles w/ mental illness, & a young man in Houston who killed his fiance, her mother, & younger sister.

So, in this moment, I'm not only thankful that I am not my incessant thinking, but also that I have peace of mind even in the midst.

Bum Status

So, my bed has kidnapped me once again... it's soooo comfy. I believe I'm married to it. I know, this is all completely random, but I have absolutely nothing to say; just wasting time before a halloween party that I'm set to attend... losing motivation to attend w/ each second that passes by. But, I actually bought a costume; really cute too, so it'd be a waste if I didn't go.

I'm going, I'm going, I'm going.... that made Dorothy's dream come true, right!

Btw

When I was younger, I looooooved taking pictures. My favorite pose was standing w/ my hands on my hips or sitting w/ my legs crossed.

As time has passed, I can't remember the last time I took a random picture. I mean, I'll strike a pose @ events, but, during just random acts of living... nah. So, I gotta get on it, & I gotta put something on here; more than my sometimes aimless rambling... like now!

So, coming soon to a blog near you!

The Real Me... The Real You

Who is that???

This has been the topic of discussion in church this week.... based on the premise that there are 3 you's: the you that others see, the you that you see, & the real you. So, we're all in a quest to find "the real me."

While most people came up w/ all these adjectives that would define their "real" or "new" self, I could only think of two, spirit & freedom.

I wanna be spirit, not a spirit, b/c I am already a spirit; there is a spirit that lies w/in me, & that's what/who I want people to know. I want freedom from every definition known to man. I am not of this group or that one. More specifically, I am a spirit of God, & God is everything, & so am I, but everything is not definitive.

Seems like I'm turning into a broken record. But, while everyone is on a search to find themselves, how about we all stop trying to attach ourselves to this or that & just be... random, if you like!

P.S.

So, my untamed self (the part of me that is never satisfied) wants to take a mini vacay... I have no dollars, the economy is shot to hell, & most of all, I haven't fully discovered & appreciated my own fabulous city. Houston has my heart, I believe I'll forever be connected for some reason. Yet, I know as much about it as a frequent flyer that passes thru. But, I always feel like I need to leave it in order to appreciate it. I also always feel like I'm missing something, like I have another life to live somewhere else before I settle here. (different day, different post!)

On my many trips to Chi & Atl, I always think to myself, "Houston has this," but I rarely delve into the things in Houston that I enjoy in those places.

So, I think I need to find a way to calm my broke-ass, untamed self down, & make a commitment to appreciate Houston like I appreciate the others.... note to self!

When I Grow Up

When is it time to let go of your dreams?

Earlier, I was trying to determine what I wanted to be when I grew up... the only thing I could recall was fashion designing.

Most of my astrology readings say that I'm a dreamer... I've realized that the fashion designing thing was just that. I went thru a few hoops to try to get there, but unlike those that truly grab hold & never let go of their dream, I nursed my dream w/ the detached love of a stepmother to a stepchild. It was nothing more than chemical reactions in my brain, making me feel good; making me believe that I could be this thing that I'd never even trained to be; that I'd never sacrificed for. Most important, I didn't know how to draw, not to mention, sew. So, as the clock ticked, my dream lay dormant, as I aimlessly navigated thru most of my years in school.

Now, though I still have love for fashion & those that truly have the "gift," I find that its superficial make-up doesn't speak to my spirit. So, in essence, that leaves me dreamless.

I have no dream. I'm Martin's nemesis. That's a bit dramatic, but it sounds so poetic!

But, the truth is, as I grow, I no longer feel lost, I am no longer attached to dreams... I am not my dreams. So, there is no regret for failed manifestation.

So, what were/are your dreams?

Electric Relaxation

One of my favorite songs by A Tribe Called Quest is "Electric Relaxation." The hook says it all, "relax yourself girl, be settled down." @ various times, I've heard this song, feeling like the subject..... this week has been one of those times, especially today. & I'm starting to get tired of myself, like "girl, calm the hell down!"

So, until I really figure this out, I think I'll try yoga.

Who is your God?

This would come on a Sunday morning....

I recently had a reading affair with Parable of the Sower by Octavia E. Butler, which is about a young black girl's quest to find a better life in the late 2020's, & to create a new religion called Earthseed, that is based on the concept that "God is change."

I found it extremely easy to get caught up in this mythical religion; however, as my mind has had time to settle the knowledge attained from this book & others, & from my own perceptions, I wonder who my God is, & do I really want to define Him. I'm quickly learning that my God may not be the God in the Bible. My God isn't Buddha or the Virgin Mary. As a matter of fact, I don't think my God wants me to define him b/c if I tried, I wouldn't understand Him; moreover, I would belittle His existence.

The truth is that, I see my God in all religions; I see myself in all religions b/c my God resides w/in me; He is me & I am Him.

It's very hard to not have this conversation w/ most people, & to not get angry @ Sunday sermons... I find most churches today completely spiritually-defeating & co-dependent. We are told when & how to praise. We are made to believe that our bad decisions are caused by "the devil." True enough, some of us need this type of structure; however, that should not cause us to ridicule & reject those that don't; those that are able to tap into their spirit w/o rehearsed assistance; those that feel God's presence more on a daily basis, than on Sunday.

What would happen if church stopped being held on Sunday?? What if it were held on a different day each week?? Would we become more conscious of our daily behavior, & stop saving Sunday as our "holy day?" Could we possibly become more in tune w/ the spirit that resides in us daily?

God is change. God is love... God is everything.

Each day is new, each moment is opportunity, each person is God. -EKM

Nico Movement

Every time I get a little stressed or upset, I have a vision of myself, in my head, puffing on a cigarette. & in some kind of subconscious way, it relaxes me, or allows me to want to regain control of whatever situation I'm in. It's like I envision this as a source of power, this puffing on my cigarette, nonchalantly.

Low & behold, I detest cigarettes. I was all about the "Truth"commercials. Yet, here I am beginning to fall prey to the old-school cigarette ads in which they represented sexiness & power.

So, am I to become a part of the nicotine life, the "nico movement?"

Kindred Spirit

Funny how you meet these scarce souls, & you never wanna let them go. But most times, their time in your life is as sporadic as a shooting star. & you know when you've encountered one b/c you know that your journey is their journey. & though you all may never see one another again, for the brief moment that you all shared, life stood still & made sense.

The Analogy of a Massage

I went & got a massage last night & for some reason, I could not relax for the 1st half of it. My mind was everywhere.... what I needed to do for the week, what my life was really about, my dating life or lack there of. & in the midst of all this thinking, I began getting frustrated. Mostly b/c I wasn't benefiting from its sole purpose.... relaxing.

So, I then began to think, "I've felt this way before, but when?" & it immediately hit me like a brick.... during relationships, during sex, even.

Various moments in my life w/ various people, I lay numb, unfulfilled, dissatisfied.

As I lie on my back, while the masseur rubbed his hands quickly over my skin, I thought about the few men that have come into my life hastingly trying to reach their goal, trying to get me where they are, or where they think I want to be. I thought about how many times I've lied on my back as someone received a pleasure that didn't include me, & didn't consult me. I compared the best to the worst & realized that in the end, I was always giving when I was supposed to be the receiving, I was supposed to be the customer; I was supposed to be the focal point, but never felt like I was. I was cheated, but couldn't get a refund!

Once the massuer switched to my backside, pleasure came from every angle. My body came alive, but I was relaxed. I realized that looking down, or if you wanna get blunt, on top.... that's when I can receive pleasure & provide pleasure; that's when I have control. I even thought face forward, rather than lying down or back turned, that's when I'm able to take any situation head-on & be in control. He moved to my back, which is always so tight, that most massage therapists have to literally dig their elbows into it. & I had to encourage him to go deeper, slower; often more pleasurable when making love! & once he was done, I felt freer, looser, than I'd felt in a long time.

Once I dressed, he thanked me & said, "You have a very high tolerance for pain." & I thought about the various times that I've felt unspeakable, crippling pain; pain that has weakened me to temporary paralysis, I've recovered to find that I've come out lighter, wiser, eager, more confident, fulfilled, & whole.

Quote for the Day

Love w/o fear, but stay true to yourself....

Know Thy Self??

I discovered that I don't know myself. I discovered that I have no idea what I want & where I'm going. I discovered that w/ each day a new hope, a new desire is birthed.... not lasting long enough for me to build a meaningful anything. I discovered that I'm lost & may never be found....

The Perfect Day....

when you're not consumed by thought, when you're not rushing around trying to feel the day w/ meaningless activities, when the actions or lack their of from others don't matter, when you're thankful for & enjoy every minute.

....when you're able to just be.

Fortuitous

Sounds deep, doesn't it?!

Haha, nope.... just an expensive synonym for random!

Anywho, I have no idea why I have this blog. Initially, I wanted it to be all meaningful & maybe even political, but being inundated w/ so much information throughout the day, I decided it would be my haven for my completely aimless & sometimes meaningless thoughts.... I hope someone besides me will enjoy them! If not, o well!

Blah... on the verge of melancholy

So, I was gonna say that my mood is somewhat melancholy today. But, when I looked up its definition on dictionary.com to be sure it fit, it turned out to be such a dreadful word. So, I'm just blah; neither here nor there; neither upset nor overjoyed.... right smack dab in the middle, & fighting off any signs of extended glee & extended gloom.

So.... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!