Omg, it's almost been a whole, freaking year since I've visited this place! My, oh my, how time does fly... to think, I honestly hadn't had a single thing to say all year... honestly, I really hadn't... this year has been full of revelation & observation, sprinkled w/ a few obnoxious demonstrations of who EKM really is... LOL... I laugh, but it's true... I've learned sooooooo much about myself this year... one of the main lessons, & what brought me back to this familiar place, is my ability to "live out loud." I believe that's the Oxygen channel's slogan... funny.
For most of my life, I kept my mouth closed... I mean, I didn't have a single thing to say. I was often-times too shy or unprepared to really share my opinion. Not to mention, both sides of my family are Southern, so the primary rules to follow were, 1. respect your elders (which if I really think about it, I hardly ever did; whole-heartedly anyway), 2. don't try to get involved in grown-folk's conversation, & 3. only speak when you're spoken to. So basically, I grew up restricted by rules that didn't allow me to speak my mind... fair enough; I followed those rules for about 27 or 28 years... BUT, that time is finally OVER!!
Unlike my extremely small group of friends, no one in my family knew that I'd always been an obnoxious, opinionated, arrogant, argumentative, passionate person. They had no freaking idea... LOL... some probably did, but certainly not the elders... that's fine, b/c the secret is now totally out. Ironically, until this year, I had no idea where this out-spoken little demon came from. After a lot of soul-searching & observation, I realized that I'd never been given a choice in the matter... what do I mean by that?
Picture this scenario, a strong-willed, compassionate, opinionated young girl meets a strong-willed, arrogant, intelligent, opinionated young man... these two young people are the product of long, long, long lines of other strong-willed, opinionated, & stubborn people. Those two young people are my parents... my parents... who would never reached marriage b/c they were both so strong-willed & stubborn that neither of them ever wanted to lose control in a romantic relationship... b/c they never wanted to relinquish their dreams @ the expense of what anyone else believed. SO, I ask you, how is a precious, premature, baby girl EVER supposed to be anything outside of a strong-willed, opinionated, stubborn young woman? As I've come to say, I was beaten over the head w/ the stubborn & opinionated genes... I never stood a chance.
What's most ironic & frightening is that of that long line of strong personalities, my mother's mother is the main culprit. For so long, both my mother & I wished that we never became like my grandmother. There was a time when I believed that my grandmother was the most bitter & unhappy person that I'd ever met. But, that changed this year b/c I learned that while I do still wish that my grandmother would allow some happiness & excitement in her life, she ONLY says what everyone else is thinking... you ever met a person like that... a person that says the most inappropriate things @ some of the most inappropriate times... that's my lovely grandmother... she "tells it like it is," as people say. & the only thing inappropriate about most of the things that she says is the uncomfortable feeling that those things produce... grant it, she's not the Dali Lama... she is wrong sometimes, but most times, she's right on point. & what I've learned in my journey of self-discovery is that most people are just totally, un-freaking comfortable w/ the truth... & it is the most annoying thing, to me, about this life.
28 & 29 have been so good to me... I've learned EKM better than I've ever known her before. I've gotten comfy w/ "the girl inside my head." She's still there... fighting to be relevant & try new things & accomplish new goals... she's probably the only thing that keeps me sane & motivated. But, in my life, nothing ever happens over night, so she & I both have had to learn an important lesson from a thing called patience... & another more subtle thing called perseverance a.k.a determination. So, while I hadn't cleared every item on my bucket list, I'm tackling one or two things @ a time, knowing that I may not see instant results... & that's ok.
I'm not sure how many people feel this way, but for me, I look @ EKM before 28, & ooooooooooooooo weeeeeeeeeeeeeee, what a mess... I mean, you've read the blogs... LOL... I was a mess! You know what, I still am... I've just learned to function as a "controlled mess!" Seriously... I've learned to keep moving after a major mishap or mistake. I've also learned that most of my mishaps & mistakes have occurred in front of an audience of the people that I love most... & I don't mind it one bit b/c the more I learn about EKM in front of those people, the more prepared & better we are after those lessons.
Death has a way of putting things into perspective... Hearing of death used to make me want to go out & do all these philanthropic deeds... & while I still do get that feeling (I'm not completely dead inside), death has introduced another perspective to my life... the passing of Steve Jobs brought me to that point. I must admit, I'm not a huge fan of Apple... as a matter of fact, I own an iPad, but I FREAKING HATE THE IPAD... what did I just say... yes, I FREAKING HATE THE IPAD. Would you like to know why? Ironically, a couple years ago I read a horoscope that said that Aquarians are naturally drawn to technology... umm, hello God, are you there... it's me, Erika... I HATE TECHNOLOGY!! What's wrong w/ me... LOL. I don't completely hate technology, but again, I'm not a fan of the iPad, & I don't get excited by new gadgets & gizmos. I own gadgets & gizmos, but there's a serious love-hate relationship w/ them. But, I outright hate the iPad. I hate the iPad b/c you can't have multiple browsers open @ once, there's no keyboard, & it doesn't use Adobe flash player... earth to Apple, if you're going to create devices that don't support Adobe flash player, would you please hurry up & create a freaking software that's comparable that the millions of websites that run on Adobe can use??? Please & thank you... so there, now you understand my disdain for the iPad. Inspite of all that, I freaking admire the hell out of Steve Jobs... why??? B/c he was the greatest innovator of my time... the technological & marketing advances that he introduced has yet to be fully duplicated... Google has come extremely close, but the Google execs will probably never enjoy the mystic of Steve Jobs & Apple. & what I love most about Steve Jobs is that this geeky, ordinary looking man was the biggest, arrogant, asshole that anyone could imagine. He didn't wait for people to understand his ideas & visions, he just implemented them & waited for everyone else to catch up.
Similarly, I've always had the feeling that my ideas/beliefs were too simple, yet most of the time, it appears that people have not caught on to these thoughts. This often causes me to wonder if I'm too stupid to understand some other form of logic, or if the world has become so consumed w/ the complicated that it's abandoned the simple... I've come to believe the latter. I'm not sure if I'll ever have some innovative invention or business, but what I am sure of is that although I'm technically behind in the game, I'm still right where I should be in the journey to my destiny. That statement sounded confusing, didn't it... What I mean is that some people have raw talent, but that talent has to be developed & controlled before the person is fully capable of using it. I firmly believe that I have the gift of discernment, & I believe that it will be this gift that will provide immeasurable happiness & success in the future. Success doesn't happen overnight, so for the time being, I'm happy to take each opportunity & lesson, & put them in my back pocket for my future callings... & yes, that even includes my occasional obnoxious, inappropriate outbursts :).
