Just Be Random

M.I.A.

2011-10-08T20:00:00.003-05:00

Omg, it's almost been a whole, freaking year since I've visited this place! My, oh my, how time does fly... to think, I honestly hadn't had a single thing to say all year... honestly, I really hadn't... this year has been full of revelation & observation, sprinkled w/ a few obnoxious demonstrations of who EKM really is... LOL... I laugh, but it's true... I've learned sooooooo much about myself this year... one of the main lessons, & what brought me back to this familiar place, is my ability to "live out loud." I believe that's the Oxygen channel's slogan... funny.

For most of my life, I kept my mouth closed... I mean, I didn't have a single thing to say. I was often-times too shy or unprepared to really share my opinion. Not to mention, both sides of my family are Southern, so the primary rules to follow were, 1. respect your elders (which if I really think about it, I hardly ever did; whole-heartedly anyway), 2. don't try to get involved in grown-folk's conversation, & 3. only speak when you're spoken to. So basically, I grew up restricted by rules that didn't allow me to speak my mind... fair enough; I followed those rules for about 27 or 28 years... BUT, that time is finally OVER!!

Unlike my extremely small group of friends, no one in my family knew that I'd always been an obnoxious, opinionated, arrogant, argumentative, passionate person. They had no freaking idea... LOL... some probably did, but certainly not the elders... that's fine, b/c the secret is now totally out. Ironically, until this year, I had no idea where this out-spoken little demon came from. After a lot of soul-searching & observation, I realized that I'd never been given a choice in the matter... what do I mean by that?

Picture this scenario, a strong-willed, compassionate, opinionated young girl meets a strong-willed, arrogant, intelligent, opinionated young man... these two young people are the product of long, long, long lines of other strong-willed, opinionated, & stubborn people. Those two young people are my parents... my parents... who would never reached marriage b/c they were both so strong-willed & stubborn that neither of them ever wanted to lose control in a romantic relationship... b/c they never wanted to relinquish their dreams @ the expense of what anyone else believed. SO, I ask you, how is a precious, premature, baby girl EVER supposed to be anything outside of a strong-willed, opinionated, stubborn young woman? As I've come to say, I was beaten over the head w/ the stubborn & opinionated genes... I never stood a chance.

What's most ironic & frightening is that of that long line of strong personalities, my mother's mother is the main culprit. For so long, both my mother & I wished that we never became like my grandmother. There was a time when I believed that my grandmother was the most bitter & unhappy person that I'd ever met. But, that changed this year b/c I learned that while I do still wish that my grandmother would allow some happiness & excitement in her life, she ONLY says what everyone else is thinking... you ever met a person like that... a person that says the most inappropriate things @ some of the most inappropriate times... that's my lovely grandmother... she "tells it like it is," as people say. & the only thing inappropriate about most of the things that she says is the uncomfortable feeling that those things produce... grant it, she's not the Dali Lama... she is wrong sometimes, but most times, she's right on point. & what I've learned in my journey of self-discovery is that most people are just totally, un-freaking comfortable w/ the truth... & it is the most annoying thing, to me, about this life.

28 & 29 have been so good to me... I've learned EKM better than I've ever known her before. I've gotten comfy w/ "the girl inside my head." She's still there... fighting to be relevant & try new things & accomplish new goals... she's probably the only thing that keeps me sane & motivated. But, in my life, nothing ever happens over night, so she & I both have had to learn an important lesson from a thing called patience... & another more subtle thing called perseverance a.k.a determination. So, while I hadn't cleared every item on my bucket list, I'm tackling one or two things @ a time, knowing that I may not see instant results... & that's ok.

I'm not sure how many people feel this way, but for me, I look @ EKM before 28, & ooooooooooooooo weeeeeeeeeeeeeee, what a mess... I mean, you've read the blogs... LOL... I was a mess! You know what, I still am... I've just learned to function as a "controlled mess!" Seriously... I've learned to keep moving after a major mishap or mistake. I've also learned that most of my mishaps & mistakes have occurred in front of an audience of the people that I love most... & I don't mind it one bit b/c the more I learn about EKM in front of those people, the more prepared & better we are after those lessons.

Death has a way of putting things into perspective... Hearing of death used to make me want to go out & do all these philanthropic deeds... & while I still do get that feeling (I'm not completely dead inside), death has introduced another perspective to my life... the passing of Steve Jobs brought me to that point. I must admit, I'm not a huge fan of Apple... as a matter of fact, I own an iPad, but I FREAKING HATE THE IPAD... what did I just say... yes, I FREAKING HATE THE IPAD. Would you like to know why? Ironically, a couple years ago I read a horoscope that said that Aquarians are naturally drawn to technology... umm, hello God, are you there... it's me, Erika... I HATE TECHNOLOGY!! What's wrong w/ me... LOL. I don't completely hate technology, but again, I'm not a fan of the iPad, & I don't get excited by new gadgets & gizmos. I own gadgets & gizmos, but there's a serious love-hate relationship w/ them. But, I outright hate the iPad. I hate the iPad b/c you can't have multiple browsers open @ once, there's no keyboard, & it doesn't use Adobe flash player... earth to Apple, if you're going to create devices that don't support Adobe flash player, would you please hurry up & create a freaking software that's comparable that the millions of websites that run on Adobe can use??? Please & thank you... so there, now you understand my disdain for the iPad. Inspite of all that, I freaking admire the hell out of Steve Jobs... why??? B/c he was the greatest innovator of my time... the technological & marketing advances that he introduced has yet to be fully duplicated... Google has come extremely close, but the Google execs will probably never enjoy the mystic of Steve Jobs & Apple. & what I love most about Steve Jobs is that this geeky, ordinary looking man was the biggest, arrogant, asshole that anyone could imagine. He didn't wait for people to understand his ideas & visions, he just implemented them & waited for everyone else to catch up.

Similarly, I've always had the feeling that my ideas/beliefs were too simple, yet most of the time, it appears that people have not caught on to these thoughts. This often causes me to wonder if I'm too stupid to understand some other form of logic, or if the world has become so consumed w/ the complicated that it's abandoned the simple... I've come to believe the latter. I'm not sure if I'll ever have some innovative invention or business, but what I am sure of is that although I'm technically behind in the game, I'm still right where I should be in the journey to my destiny. That statement sounded confusing, didn't it... What I mean is that some people have raw talent, but that talent has to be developed & controlled before the person is fully capable of using it. I firmly believe that I have the gift of discernment, & I believe that it will be this gift that will provide immeasurable happiness & success in the future. Success doesn't happen overnight, so for the time being, I'm happy to take each opportunity & lesson, & put them in my back pocket for my future callings... & yes, that even includes my occasional obnoxious, inappropriate outbursts :).

So, What's Next...

2010-12-15T20:16:00.004-06:00

I'm not sure if it's rejuvenation or a classic example of my ADD tendencies, but this new career opportunity has me energized & eager to pursue other things that I've been longing to pursue. But, this... rekindled desire... has more to do w/ necessity than starry-eyed dreams & aspirations. What is it, you ask... well, I want to learn how to sew. Perhaps, I've previously mentioned that, but as you know by now, I usually have the same playlist on repeat. Anywho, this need directly relates to the fact that I'm currently in debt (not much, but enough to curb my shopping habits) & can't afford to invest in the quality brands/clothes that I'm most often attracted to. Not to mention, most of the merchandise isn't worth the asking price.

& this desire has nothing to do w/ anyone else... it has nothing to do w/ me attempting to provide a fabulous product to the masses... to orchestrate fashion shows. I don't care about the current trends. I just want to be able to express my love for fashion & playing dress-up while still saving money... how hard is that? Not to mention, I want full control of my buying experience.

However, there are significant investments required for such a task... purchasing a sewing machine, paying for classes, purchasing design equipment & fabrics... & how would I have time to pursue this when I'm just beginning a new career, trying to study, sit for, & pass the CPA exam w/in the next year, enrolling in graduate school... not to mention, I'm supposed to attempt to have a spiritual, love, & social life thru all of this madness... it all sounds exciting b/c I know that I'm up for the challenge; however, realistically, I know that one of those things will inevitably fall by the wayside for no other reason than lack of time. Maybe, I could squeeze in some time on the weekends... amongst my volunteer & social-life commitments... *sigh*... I most certainly don't want to get in over my head, nor do I want to exhibit typical "Erika" behavior by becoming involved in a gazillion things only to quit half of them before I've even begun... but, I want it all & I want it all NOW!

I guess I'm so drawn to this project b/c it makes sense... I don't know, I will figure it out & get it done... somehow. This one may have to wait a couple months... maybe once I get a few sections of the CPA exam passed... since there will be a lag in between submitting my application for graduate school, being accepted, & actually beginning coursework...

Whew, one thing's for sure... 2011 is looking to be a pretty busy year.

New Beginnings

2010-12-14T20:12:00.002-06:00

I think I've complained on here more than I've expressed joy... BUT... I finally have some good news to report. On Monday, I will start the next chapter of my life... the next chapter in my career... yes, yes, yes... I have a new job! *sigh* It's still accounting, but the business is far more interesting than most of the industries that I've had exposure to, in the past couple years. & the location is soooooooooo swank, it almost compares to having a fabulous career in NYC... I said almost!

BUT... not so fast... there is one thing that has me shaking in my boots... I will have to manage 2 people... yikes!! I don't have any doubt that I will be successful in all aspects of this position; however, I'm a little concerned about the learning curve... like, how long will it take me to get comfortable in my new position, especially the management side.

Another thing that I'm a little concerned about is the fact that it will be so easy for me to convert back to my aloof, dissatisfied, ADD self. This position... this chapter of my life... is going to require more commitment & time management than I've ever had to offer. & I'm extremely determined not to fail & not to revert back to my old, ineffective habits. As I've often complained about, I've been extremely dissatisfied w/ the past couple years of my life. & I finally believe that I have an honest chance to change & find the satisfaction/success that I've been longing for... & it's ALL in my control as of this moment. If I don't choose to go up, from here, then I may never reach the level that I long for. So, it's time to tighten up my boot straps & get to work.

A change has finally come...

Things. Working. Together.

2010-12-11T22:08:00.002-06:00

Another mini-hiatus... but, I've been a busy bee... thankful that things are finally starting to come together & make sense... details coming soon...

Eat, Pray, Love

2010-11-24T16:15:00.004-06:00

I love watching films that inspire me to want to do & see something different. However, it's a little depressing sometimes b/c I'm not yet able to take the year-long, personal journeys that are usually showcased in such films. "Eat, Pray, Love" was no different.

Not wanting to be depressed about all places that I couldn't go, I decided to find beauty in the place where I currently resided. B/c I spent most of my life in the extra dreary city of Detroit, I love the fact that Houston's weather is the exact opposite. Though most people can't tolerate the humidity, & sometimes neither can I, the sunny weather does wonders for my mood. I love the fact that I can throw on a sundress & flip-flops in the middle of October... as if I were living on an exotic island. & sometimes, I forget to take the gift in & really appreciate it.

But, as it specifically relates to the themes of "Eat, Pray, Love," I have been trying to focus on my journeys in those 3 areas, especially pray & love. Like Liz, the main character, I've long suffered from overthought... I think, & think, & think... which is really nothing more than worry, worry, worry. However, as I believe I've mentioned before, I've recently learned how to "just be" & shut off the incessant thinking. I still have my moments; however, I've definitely noticed significant improvement. & since I've gained more control of my thoughts & being, I've also reconnected w/ God's spirit w/in me. It's been nice to share some of my thoughts & burdens w/ Him, & also knowing that thru the reconnection, I will discover my purpose.

Something that I've recently learned/rediscovered about love is the power of & need for relationships. It is so important to build meaningful relationships in all aspects of life. It's also important to do what's necessary to maintain those relationships. & there's so much enjoyment in making a conscious effort to involve various people in my life as well as trying to find ways to ensure that they're aware of how much I value their presence.

I think I've enjoyed or @ least indulged in enough eating to not have to work on that journey. I suppose my next journey is finding the right balance in diet & exercise so that I'm able to sustain a healthy & meaningful life. & Though I'm not yet able to explore my journey in an exotic backdrop, my current surroundings aren't too shabby. & I'm quite sure that every profound principle that I'd discover in the exotic, can also be discovered in the simple.

Eat... pray... love... that may be all I need.

Insomniac Montage

2010-11-17T03:50:00.000-06:00

For the record, I chose that title b/c as you'll read, below, I'm suffering from insomnia tonight, & I wrote about quite a few topics, so I had no idea what to title this damn thing hence montage.

I have a terrible case of insomnia. I'd fallen asleep around 11pm, but knew that tonight wouldn't be a good night for beauty rest. I was trying out a gumbo recipe & couldn't get the roux right, which severely pissed me off, especially since I've made roux before. But, I don't know if it was b/c I was tired or in a rush... whatever it was, the cooking gods were not smiling down on me. & what was even more frustrating is that I'm trying to cease the frivolous spending, especially on food, but now I have no choice but to spend money on lunch for the 3rd day in a row :(.

During nights like this, I wish I could just go to 24 & release all of my aggression on an elliptical or treadmill machine. However, I'm severely frightened about leaving my house during the "wee" hours of the night b/c nothing good every happens during this time. & it would be just my luck that I get snatched up by some deranged criminal all b/c I needed to release some steam @ 4am.

So, what's been keeping me up all night? Decisions, decisions, decisions... & waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm not a patient person by any means, nor am I very optimistic. I pride myself on being as realistic as possible; however, most times the realism turns into negative thinking. As I'm sure I've shared before, I often wonder if it would be more beneficial for me to be more optimistic. However, each time that I try, it feels awkward & forced, & that little voice in my head always finds a valid reason for why optimism should be thrown out the window. So, am I causing myself more harm than good??? I don't know. & I suppose to put forth the effort in trying, would be a step outside the old, tattered, brown box.

But, how dare I think that what I want to happen will really happen... does that even work, or does that produce the delusional souls that I, so often, encounter. I don't know.

I heard someone use that cliche phrase about how the race isn't won by the swift... blah, blah, blah... I suppose this thing is called "journey" for a reason b/c every time something pushes you down & makes you fall, you have to dust your old, tired knees off & get back up again... But, I'm tired... can't I sit out this one lap?! Quite honestly, I've sat out for several laps over the years... I'm the runner that approached the track w/ a slow & steady pace... opting for stamina, or pure laziness, over speed & flare. However, all the other runners have left me in the wind, & while I guess I've enjoyed the scenery, I didn't enter this damn thing just to see some damn scenery...

Yep, this was a montage... just like that damn gumbo.

Please Exit Stage Left

2010-11-11T08:55:00.001-06:00

Wardrobe malfunctions are the worst, & unfortunately, I've had my fair share of them... my hips usually being the culprit. As much as I love my womanly, curvaceous figure, these bad boys have done damage to many a skirt & pair of slacks. & today is one of those days that could be another blunder... I decided to wear this pencil skirt that I purchased about a year ago... now given my history w/ pencil skirts, I probably shouldn't purchase them anymore. As much as they're a staple item amongst the fashion experts, I've come to believe that the industry is extremely out of touch w/ the figures of real women. For me, wearing a pencil skirt is almost as dreadful as wearing a pair of wretched stilettos from Aldo! & I've tried several variations... w/ stretch, which I thought would be more forgiving, & also w/o stretch. But, no matter the fabric, my hips & butt will always find a way to burst right out of this death-confining garment. So, this may be my last hurrah w/ pencil skirts. As they say, "everything isn't for every body."

The Chosen One

2010-11-10T16:01:00.000-06:00

Boot shopping for me is like the average person shopping for a house... & while I am a home-owner, I think I've spent more time searching for this particular style of boot, & boots in general, than I did searching for my home. The most common problem that I encounter is that there are a very select number of designers that will make the boot shaft large enough to fit my curvaceous calves. For a long time, this simply didn't exist, so it was years before I owned my first pair of mid-calf boots... which ironically were purchased from Nine West (see previous post for inside joke :)). So, in the past couple boot seasons, the over-the-knee boot has become outrageously popular, & it has taken me approximately a year or more to find one that would not only fit over my curvaceous calves but also my curvaceous knees... LOL! So, this one by Aldo pictured here, my friends, is the chosen one, & MUST be had ASAP...

My only, sincere reservation in purchasing this lovely boot is that Aldo is infamously known for creating the most uncomfortable, cheaply-made, overpriced footwear known to man... Case in point, I purchased a delicious pair of pointy-toed, stiletto, black patent leather pumps from Aldo, for about $100 (not too expensive, but also not worth it given the following story) approximately 4 years ago. Now being that I have a healthy shoe collection, these pumps were not worn on a regular basis. I'd estimate their usage to be 4 times per month over the course of the 3or 4 years that I owned them; probably much less. So, sometime last year, I noticed that either the soles or heels (I can't remember which one, right now) of the shoes were somewhat unsteady... meaning it felt like that part of the shoes would split in half @ any moment. But, being that I didn't wear them that often, I didn't believe that it would actually happen & hardly remembered the issue when I pulled them out for wear earlier this year. But, sure enough, no more than 30 minutes after I'd arrived @ work that day, I felt the shoes slightly, not fully, break. Luckily, I had a pair of flats in my car that I quickly retrieved; however, unfortunately I had to walk around the rest of the day w/ extremely long slacks folded up b/c I had to switch to the flats... a rather tacky look. So, I've since retired those shoes, & haven't decided if I'll invest in having them repaired, which I'm famously known for... example being that I spent $30 for re-enforced soles for a pair of booties that I purchased from Forever 21 for around $25... yes, I loved those shoes that much! Another example of Aldo's wretched footwear is a pair of peep-toe, ankle boots that I purchased about a year ago... lovely, sexy little darlings... but, when I tell you that those boots signify foot-murder, I MEAN IT! The sheer thought of those boots makes me want to cry... I don't know when I'll ever wear them again! It would have to be for an event that entails extensive sitting!

So, I must, must, must think loooooooong & hard before I invest in these lovely creations. & @ $250, they're not exactly a cheap buy, though I have paid much, much more for the object of my affection in the past. But, I'm a firm believer in cost-benefit analysis where boots are concerned. I don't mind the cost to invest b/c I know that they will be w/ me for many, many, many seasons to come.

Pure Greed

2010-11-10T14:05:00.000-06:00

Let the season begin... boot season, that is! If boots were food, I'd completely be ok w/ being overweight for the sake of my affection for this perfect creation... so versatile... so eye-catching, even in its simplest form... w/ the exception of a pair from Aldo, & the ones that I previously posted, these should round out my purchases for this year's boot season. I'm not exactly sure if booties are still "in" according to the fashion experts, but I'm not a particular fan of booties anyhow, & have yet to discover an eye-catching pair for this season.

I will never forget an episode of "Will & Grace" in which Grace's assistant (her name slips my mind, presently) ridiculed Grace for wearing shoes from Nine West. & for the longest time, I felt a bit ashamed of my closet full of purchases from the store. But, as the years have gone by, I can't stop professing my love for Nine West. They're not always my first choice, but w/ each new season of trends, I can always rely on them to produce the most wearer-friendly version on the market... case in point are the newly-discovered gems pictured @ the very top. The style is a classic that can translate into any new season of trends... perfectly trendy in a safe sort of way... which is what Nine West is known for, in my mind... I'll never forget that after hearing the criticism of Nine West on the show, I quickly tried to turn to the higher-end footwear, fashion houses, & was both sadly & happily informed that the sheer discomfort that is produced in a $300-$500 pair of Jimmy Choo's, Christian Louboutin's, & Stuart Weitzman's is enough to keep Nine West as a mainstay in my footwear collection for years to come... which ultimately saves me time, money, & any embarrassment in sporting the semi-knockoffs that Nine West produces. The minute that I tried on shoes created by each of those designers, it wasn't luxury, quality, or superiority that I felt, but discomfort. & I've since ignored most of their design efforts as if they were rejects produced by Payless.

As an after-thought: the second pair, shown above, are by Marciano... they're an option, but I think my craving is stronger for the Nine West version... happy shopping, people!

Cravings

2010-11-09T15:41:00.000-06:00

Nope, not food! I'm seriously craving some riding boots... & the two that have featured here are extremely yummy... to me! They look kind of similar, huh?! Ah, but it's all in the minor details. The 1st pair is by Ugg, whom I've never really paid attention to b/c of those gawd-awful fuzzy boots that put them on the map, & the 2nd pair is by Frye, whom I absolutely love but can never afford... these bad boys are about $400, I think... *sigh*...Yes, I already have a pair or two... BUT, so what! I absolutely love them w/ dresses & skirts.

Vintage

2010-11-09T15:28:00.000-06:00

I'm a sucker for a dainty, vintage silhouette... I love this look!

Summary... Please!

2010-11-09T15:22:00.000-06:00

I can't believe that I wrote all that in that last post! I think I said too much & not enough @ the same time... the moral of the story is that I think the education system should focus on career choices & training. After the 8th grade, children should be required to start learning & forming some idea of what the work-force entails... what opportunities & occupations are available, & how to obtain them. The system that we have now has essentially created a workforce full of robots. There's hardly ever a sense of independence & innovation. I think that a new system would benefit everyone b/c it will allow children & young adults to determine if they want to become the average US worker, or something more inventive & unconventional... that is all... in a nutshell!

System Overload...

2010-11-08T18:39:00.000-06:00

.I HATE SYSTEMS... not to be confused w/ structure... I really do hate systems. & this is pure E-logic right now, but I think that the difference between a system & structure is the fact that structure is necessary... to me, structure is law & order, to an extent... & a system can fall into the realm of structure, but systems can be changed & augmented to better fit w/in a given structure... There is a certain business structure that exists that will tell a person how to start a business, how to raise capital for a business, etc... & w/in this structure is several systems that are used... a hiring system, an IT system, an accounting system... all of these things can be changed to fit the needs of a particular business, but no one can change the fundamental structure of business that says that some sort of system needs to be in place for a given function.

I spent the day being severely agitated by systems... hiring systems, evaluation systems... I could go on & on. Mostly, I hate these systems b/c I believe them to be ineffective & a complete waste of time. Most employers have implemented various personality & reasoning tests to differentiate between applicants. First of all, I thought I could stop taking tests when I earned my damn degree. Second of all, I would really like to sit down w/ the developer of these tests to understand the significance of these tests b/c to me, it seems like they're just duplicating the robotic system of college... a system where you can get by if you know how to take a test.

I don't know... I suppose I could understand both sides of the argument... I can understand trying to assess someone's reasoning capabilities; however, if a company's Human Resources personnel aren't competent enough to judge someone's personality then perhaps the company should hire new personnel. I know, I know... the argument is probably that of: people try to tailor their personalities to what they believe the company is looking for & what the position might require... well hell, maybe the company should hire a psychic... LOL! Seriously, it really isn't that hard to discern someone's personality, a resume is a resume... the information is there, so one should be able to access the success levels that a person has achieved in previous positions, & also how well his/her personality will blend w/ the rest of the department/team.

Hiring isn't a science... there is no right or wrong person in the sense that a company could hire a person that has extensive experience in its industry, but that person still may not do well in the position... an under experienced person may do far better.

But, I seriously digress... I think that my real gripe is w/ the education system. By no means, would I blame this system for any of my failures, but I do look back & realize all of the missed opportunities, & lack of communication & preparation. First of all, I wish there were some sort of system for children, like me, that fall thru the cracks... not that I'm the product of some unfortunate environment, but I believe that all these movements of children that join this cult & that gang... & all these emo & punk-rock groups... these are the lost souls... These are the children that usually have absolutely no freaking idea where they belong & what they want to do w/ their lives... I was fortunate to not be lost enough to join an outrageous group, but I had no freaking idea what I wanted to be in life.

I realize that some schools have all sorts of personality test that can tell you what you should be in life... I think I even took one... I can't remember what it said... something artsy & liberal, I suppose... LOL! & maybe that was my biggest mistake in not taking heed. & maybe all these words are useless b/c I can't complain b/c I didn't listen. Eh... I still have a gripe w/ this system!

I somewhat admire the technical schools like ITT Technical Institute b/c, based solely on their advertisements, they provide on the job training... the education system needs more of this. Children should be exposed to the various occupations @ an early age. I can't remember any instance of a "career day" occurring during my years in grade school. So, other than teaching & some of the other well-known careers, I had no idea what opportunities & occupations were available, let alone the duties that they entailed.

But, I digress, sort of, on that subject as well... what I would really like to know is, especially since I'm basically the product of inner-city/urban/HBCU education systems: what is it like on the other side. How are my Caucasian & Asian counterparts prepared for adulthood & career stardom. It appears that the resources & preparation far exceed that of the systems that I took part in... no, no, no... I'm not one to complain about the unfair advantages that exist amongst the races, but I do wonder... most of all, I wonder why these disparities still exist, & I wonder how I can change them. I don't regret choosing to be a part of the system... maybe it was for a reason... maybe it was so that I could experience it & change it... but, I still wonder... I guess b/c I witness some of the disparities every day... I'm surrounded by people that are products of systems that could probably be considered just under Ivy League (so, I can't imagine what the Ivy League products are really like!) & I don't feel inadequate when compared to them, but I do feel ill-prepared.

& perhaps, it could be a personal thing... where I didn't take advantage of certain opportunities & techniques as I should have. I won't completely say that these things didn't exist... maybe I was too lazy & ignorant to seek them out... But, I must say that I do see the advantages that those systems have that mine lacked... for example, internships & on-campus recruiting... PPA programs... Don't get me wrong, there were some internship opportunities, but they were somewhat inferior in comparison to what I've witnessed in my current position. Big 4 didn't come to my university... hell, my current firm didn't, & still doesn't.

I've blabbed long enough... but, I've said all this to say that I think that outside of the Ivy League, our education system is seriously flawed & lacking. The conventional methods that were once popular & effective, are nearly obsolete now. It's past time for restructuring & an overall system upgrade.

Voting... the new Dior

2010-11-03T08:20:00.000-05:00

So, eeeeeeeeeveryone took to FB on yesterday to talk about voting. I'm sure that some people were being passionate & genuinely concerned about encouraging people to vote, but unfortunately, some were just trying to be in vogue. Since this past presidential election, voting has ironically become a new trend amongst the younger generations... but, will the trend last??? Well, it did seem to spill over into yesterday's election.

However, the sad part is: how much do we really know about each candidate, so are we just voting just be voting? African Americans have long been known for submitting the straight party ticket for democratic candidates. & while it's nice that a lot of us are trying to pay homage to our forefathers for fighting for our voting rights, what good is it to vote for one party? How effective is this type of ballot, & are we contributing to the political problem by only looking @ one side... not to mention, not even knowing what that side really stands for.

Now, I'm not one to point a finger w/o realizing that I have 3 of them staring me in the face... so, a quick disclaimer: I did vote. I voted a straight libertarian & democratic ticket. I had no idea who the candidates were, or what they stood for... hell, I was happy to see that I liked the names of some of the people that I chose... LOL... that was cool to me. I had no reason to vote b/c I had no idea what I was doing, BUT... I figured that I should pay my civil & cultural duty to society. & why did I choose libertarian, you might ask... well, b/c I didn't want to be caught in between the republican/democratic war... & the positions in which I did choose a democratic candidate, only had choices from the two main parties. But, I honestly felt like I wasted time by voting & not knowing anything about the candidates... it's like taking communion, knowing that you haven't been committed or obedient to God.

Quite honestly, yesterday's election was extremely important, & I wish the media would really highlight each candidate's platform instead of highlighting the bullshit that these candidates were involved in 10 & 20 years ago. But, this election was important b/c these are the people w/ the most influence... the representatives & senators are responsible for passing legislation. The president does have the ultimate say, but the people's connection & voice lie in the House & Senate.

I really don't care who's in office... republican, democrat, libertarian, Big Bird, Barney... whomever... I just want problem solvers & leaders. It doesn't matter who solves the problem, just solve it... just do something & stop arguing about the solution, & worrying about who gets credit for it.

So, while everyone else wants to walk around w/ their "I voted" stickers like a new Dior bag, & ridicule those that didn't vote as if they're carrying a "knock-off," I don't feel a way about either status b/c what has Dior or any other designer/candidate done for me lately... & what will these people do for me now? All I can worry about, is what I can do for myself. & did voting do anything for me; did it make me feel better about myself... will it do anything for me... I really don't know.

Inaugural Post

2010-11-02T13:30:00.000-05:00

So, b/c I'm bored & too tired & sick to study for the CPA exam, I figure that I should do what I said I would do in this here space... I'm still not sure that fashion is the way that I want to go, but it's worth a try.

So, to start it all off, I chose the easy route of critiquing... & critiquing a celebrity @ that... super easy.

I'm a huge fan of Eva Mendez... not necessarily her acting abilities, but I do admire her sense of style & willingness to take risks. & while I do actually like the flowy silhouette of this dress, I am not a fan of the fringe. I think the fringe hanging off the arm & even @ the bottom of the dress were fine... creative. But, all the extra in the middle, is just overkill & really cheapens the dress. Unfortunately, I don't think she would've escaped, one way or the other, w/o the obvious quilt comparisons... as it does remind me of quilts that my grandmother owned... but, it would've been a lot more tolerable w/o the extra. I'm almost willing to say that the diagonally intersecting, seam pattern is rather annoying as well... not to mention the fact that the designer chose to randomly place the fabric pattern in the middle of her leg... which further cheapens the look of the dress, & highlights the chaos that is this dress.

Eva hardly ever disappoints, me @ least, so hopefully she'll rebound quickly & triumphantly.

Hmmm...

2010-11-01T16:10:00.000-05:00

Maybe, I should tinker around w/ fashion blogging... I'm not into fashion as much as I used to be, but it would be an additional escape... other than the other random things that I post on here... hmmm... & talking about fashion is like watching TV... it doesn't require much brain power!

1, 2, 3, 4, 5... 6, 7, 8, 9, 10... 11, 12...

2010-11-01T15:38:00.000-05:00

If you follow the count pattern, you'll realize that it's the rhythm to the numbers song that so many of us grew up hearing on Sesame Street.

If you don't already know, I have the worst memory known to man... so, I often repeat the same subjects... simply b/c I can't remember if I did or didn't address them in the past... anyway...

I never thought that my life would be surrounded by numbers. As a child, I always dreamt of colors, lights, movement, & various other artistic expressions. But, for the past 10 years, maybe more, my life has been surrounded by numbers. I've excelled in my mathematics since elementary school, & I honestly don't mind those numbers. But now... well, now I have accounting & budgets; professional & personal, that haunt me on a daily basis. So much so, that I fear the thought of numbers... I really do... it sounds nerdy as hell, but right now, mathematics would be a welcomed release for me... I keep thinking that I should just go ahead & teach it... I don't know.

All I know is that I'm completely exasperated w/ looking at the numbers in my life right now... from bills to budgets to costs for exams, certifications, & degrees that I need/want to attain.

Where in the world can I run to??? I need a hiding place... QUICK! Not sure if I'd want to go back to my Sesame Street days, though.

New-new...

2010-10-22T09:50:00.000-05:00

I need a new start... ASAP!!! NOW!!! Like yesterday, like 8 days ago... I know, I know... I'm being impatient. I'm trying to allow God to move... but, good lawd, I feel so stuck in my current state, & that even if I do move, it's going to be in the wrong direction... *sigh*... give me patience, Lord.

Touche' 'Touffee

2010-10-19T22:03:00.001-05:00

I don't know how I come up w/ these titles... but, I did finally cook the etouffee, & I believe I should be commended for a job well done! Eh, I'm tooting my own horn, but someone has to do it!

Cooking has become pretty therapeutic for me, lately... has helped me take my mind off of the jumble flowing thru my head, & just focus on one thing... which I have the hardest time doing... it's gotten me to thinking about pursuing catering or something. Not that I feel like I'm ready, or accomplished enough, to even pursue that avenue right now, but it would be something nice to slide into my back pocket for later... isn't that how most women like Paula Deen & Rachel Ray got started... cooking @ home & decided to venture out & cash-in one day... I'd seriously like to get better @ it... if I ever did pursue some sort of career or business, it'd have to be something small, since I'm such a slow, messy cook!

I've always dreamed of being a self-defined 'Renaissance woman'... maybe, this will get me one step closer... up next: maybe, an instrument of some sort... hmmmm!

Neeeext...

2010-10-14T18:54:00.000-05:00

So, I think that my next three recipes will be shrimp etouffee, an African stew, & bbq chipotle meatloaf... yummy!

I'm a little nervous about the African stew, though... I think I have curry in mind & I'm scared that it won't turn out that way... maybe, I should just look for a good curry recipe.

& I need to buy a crockpot ASAP!! Those things are gold... so many recipes, & you can just dump everything in them... my kind of cooking!

Chef Boyar-mee

2010-10-10T19:19:00.000-05:00

So, I never did start the ambitious cooking project that was the subject of the movie Julie & Julia... a new recipe every night... way too much! But, I have committed to trying one new recipe each week... so far, I've cooked jambalaya & chili... each turned out really good... up next: shrimp etouffee... & maybe red beans & rice after that.

I love cooking, but I'm in desperate need of an expansion in arsenal... & who knows, maybe I'll expand it to 2 per week... but, I am such a slow & sloppy cook... I mean, I literally have to block out an hour or more, usually 1 & 1/2, for the simplest recipes... but, it's mostly b/c I like to take my time b/c it usually doesn't turn out well when I rush.

I hadn't visited in a while, & just wanted to share that little tid bit...

Cock-blocking...

2010-09-27T15:43:00.000-05:00

So, I've had writer's block for days... I keep thinking of topics that I'd like to write about, only to get on here, & write about something completely different, & then hate it & delete it... there's a subject that's been gnawing @ me for days, but the things that I want to say haven't fully developed, mentally... not even enough to start free-styling when I get here... & then I have a bunch of random thoughts that are clouding my brain right now (actually, this isn't outside the norm)... I'm sure I've said this before, but I find my "a.d.d" nature to be endearing @ times, but sometimes, it's just downright annoying...

So, hopefully my brain will stop cock-blocking sometime soon... btw, I'm not sure I really like that term... that I've ever liked that term... but, it served its purpose for today's brief post.

The Illusion of Power

2010-09-20T15:05:00.001-05:00

I'm always thinking of fun/funky ways that I can spice up my life... & this lead to a conversation w/ a good friend of mine about stripping & the likes.

For a very, very split second, I hypothesised about how exciting it could be... but, I quickly recanted this burst of excitement... realizing that there was nothing empowering or fun about this act... @ all.

& I thought of the millions of women that venture into this business, & similar ones, each year... believing that their new endeavor will carry power... buying into the cliche belief that "p*ssy is power." & while there is power in the p*ssy, eventually, the powerful will feel completely powerless, disrespected, & lonely.

There's no real respect to be had when a woman operates under this mindset... she basically lessens her entire worth to one body organ... it's not even a unique organ... p*ssy is a dime a dozen, & it's only as unique & "good" as the person that's attached to it... so, why on earth would a woman allow herself to be guided in this world buy a single body organ?

Certain songs trigger this "secret" desire of mine... I think most women would admit that they've thought about stripping, or the likes, to some degree, @ some point in their lives. It's sexy, it's sensual, it's arousing, it's exhilarating... but, the thought of a strip club is just... disgusting... I mean, I'm disgusted by some of the men that hit on me while I'm out & about... I can't imagine how those same men would behave when I'm half-naked & grinding & gyrating to some Drake, 50-cent, Lil' John, or Ying-Yang Twins' song.

I've never been to a female strip club, but I can imagine that they're not much different from what's displayed on TV & in movies... dark, sweat mixed w/ all kinds of other stale odors.

I was even more intrigued by this phenomenon when I watched "Brooklyn's Finest" the other day. In the movie, Richard Gere plays a soon-to-be retired police officer that hasn't had the most decorated or honorable career or life, for that matter... so much so, that he has regularly visits w/ a Spanish prostitute... very pretty girl; I'm sure the directors chose her to invoke curiosity in the viewer... curiosity about why she would choose such a lifestyle. So, towards the end of the movie, she buys him a watch as a retirement gift... doomed by the life he's created & relishing in the genuine act of kindness displayed by the prostitute, he asks her to move away w/ him... she quickly declines his offer & tells him to leave... he goes down to his car, right outside her apartment, & contemplates shooting himself... already feeling like sh*t, he's just been rejected by a prostitute.

Even more thought-provoking than his misery & desperation, is her reaction... I immediately thought that her self-worth has to be so low that she couldn't even appreciate & accept his request... or, her self-worth is why she couldn't do these things... b/c after all, he was ready to run away w/ a person that he barely knew... he was infatuated w/ the fantasy that they'd shared.

But, why does a woman subject herself to also live in this fantasy... after all, isn't that why women engage in this lifestyle... unable to receive or understand genuine love, they allow their p*ssy to lead the way... they allow men to fall in love w/ this organ b/c they don't know how to get men to fall in love w/ who they are as a person.

So in this sense, the illusion of love & the illusion of power, are one in the same. I can't find anyone to love me, so I'm going to buy it w/ my p*ssy... I can't find anyone to respect me, so I'm going to demand/earn it w/ my p*ssy... that line of thinking is even more shallow than the tragic beauty who believes that she's owed something b/c of her beauty. & for this reason, stripping, prostitution, & the likes, are the most powerless, disrespectful, simple-minded careers known to man.

From Red to Black...

2010-09-15T09:29:00.000-05:00

It's amazing... the things that are required in adulthood. I think I took a personal financial management class in college, but I can barely remember the material that it covered... I say this b/c I believe that young adults should be required to maintain budgets either in high school or college. Matter of fact, high school students should be required to examine & understand their parents' monthly/annual budgets... maybe, I'll implement this practice for my children.

Parents have traditionally believed that b/c they say something, their children will understand the concept/consequences, & take heed to the advice given, but that's rarely ever the case. I had plenty of adults, including my parents, that warned me about the consequences of debt & the mismanagement of finances... yet, these issues have been my biggest hurdles as an adult.

I've created monthly budget after monthly budget, & w/o fail, each month, I end in the "red"... it's a perpetual cycle that continues to grow & worsen.

So, here I am... yet again. But, I am determined to end this month in the "black"... so, here's to a month of creative concepts in the pursuit of financial freedom & triumph... wish me luck!

Don't Worry... Be Happy...

2010-09-08T09:36:00.000-05:00

"I was too thoughtful to be happy. It was this everlasting which distressed & tormented me; & yet there was no getting rid of the subject of my thoughts." My Bondage, My Freedom by Frederick Douglas

I've been thinking about that quote a lot, lately... it basically sums up my current state. Today, I'm trying to push thru it.

There are so many things on my mind... so many things that I want that I don't have... I don't think I really know how to be happy... people say that you have to choose to be happy... I suppose that's true...

It's a funny feeling/thing b/c I'm not miserable, & definitely not dissatisfied enough that I don't have the will to live (suicidal), but I wish that I could fast-forward on this period of my life & get to the "good" part! The part where everything makes sense & comes together.

But, I know that I have to be patient... I mean, how am I going to appreciate the future, if I don't appreciate the present... yea, yea, yea... I do, so hate cliche sayings, but I suppose that they're cliche for a reason.

I always said that I never wanted to be the woman that puts a time-stamp on everything... "I want to be married by..." "I want to have kids by..." But, I think all the dissatisfaction is drawing me closer & closer to this woman. I don't want to limit my life to a certain age... if I have children @ 30, great... if I have children @ 40, great... I don't want to feel bad b/c I didn't accomplish certain things @ a certain age. I don't want to get caught up in societal expectations & the over hyped "American Dream."

So far, I've accomplished most things in my own time & understanding, so I'm hoping that this will remain true for the remainder of my life... but, I guess I'm getting impatient w/ my own time.

What If...

2010-08-25T18:52:00.000-05:00

I suppose I'm what you would call "spoiled;" a little ungrateful even... however, the older I get, the more tired I become of chasing "things." I'm getting tired of working to have "things." I realize that we all need some things to survive, but I think we've confused these things w/ the things that we desire... we've confused the necessary things w/ the things that we lust after... & here I am @ a point in my life where I've decided that I need to acquire more education & I'm not sure if it's so that I can acquire more things or if it's so that I can finally start fulfilling my purpose... maybe, a little of both, but I'm praying that it's more of the latter... b/c above all, I'm tired of chasing, desiring, & being defined by "things."

All of that got me to thinking about the "haves" & the "have nots," & how there should be a balance w/in these categories of people...

What if the people w/in these two categories had to switch places ever so often... like 10 years... that seems a little harsh, but still... wouldn't this force people to be grateful for what they have. & wouldn't this give an opportunity to the people that may never have anything... I know, I know... that's what charities & non-profit organizations are for, but it's not the same. I think those that "have" should experience a few moments in their life when they don't have. I think this is the reason that so many wealthy children are so lost & destructive... they spend so much time trying to find fulfillment; & usually, the only place that they know to look, usually houses some sort of material thing.

I've discovered that I'm unimpressed w/ most "things." & I believe that this gets confused w/ lack of gratitude... maybe, it is to some extent. Don't get me wrong, I love to shop & look nice, but most everything else, I could do w/o. & I've grown so accustomed to having certain things that acquiring them has become more of a habit than an enjoyment... which probably also explains the lack of gratitude.

This sounds like a simple problem to solve... & maybe it is... I just hope that I can spend most of my life giving back to people, as much as I've received, b/c I certainly don't want a life that's only filled w/ "things."

Out the Window...

2010-08-16T09:38:00.000-05:00

All those warm & fuzzy feelings that I felt last night have flown out the window... I figured they would be short-lived... oh well.

My Heart is Full...

2010-08-15T20:18:00.000-05:00

I've been missing this space. I've wanted to post something for the past couple weeks, but just hadn't made the time. I have a subject that I've stored in my back pocket for whenever I have time to for a lengthy post.

Anywho... there are times when I hate love & all the mixed emotions that come w/ it. I've said several times, on here, how I fear that I'll be too stubborn or lazy to find it or receive it... but today, I'm loving love... mostly b/c I feel like it's possible, again. I'm filled w/ butterflies & nervous feelings... something that hasn't happened in a while. & even if these things are short-lived, I realize, again, that I can feel this way about a person. Not to mention, though I've experienced some very hurtful situations w/ another person, I discovered that I still love this person. & even if things never change or get better, it's been a very memorable experience loving this person, & I know that I may never love anyone that way again... there is both beauty & pain in that knowledge.

Being that I'm such a pessimistic cynic, I have to relish the days in which I feel like a hopeful cornball... a hopeless romantic... LOL!

Open, open, open, open...

2010-07-16T09:06:00.000-05:00

Dare I say it... I used to be closed-minded... gasp, sigh... yes, I know. I can't believe it, either. I'd completely forgotten about this unspeakable behavior until a conversation that I had yesterday w/ a couple people regarding interracial dating... Ironically, I've always been open to dating outside of my race, though, I prefer brown skin & have always said that I would never marry someone outside my race... YET, I have ridiculed my male counterparts for dating outside our race... sigh... yes, it's true... I used to be one of the evil, angry black women that said that black men had sold out if they chose a white woman. So, I am here today to repent for my ignorant sins.

Truth is... no one knows the circumstances that surround a person's decision in choosing to date outside his race... could it be, that he is as open-minded as I claim to be. I believe this to be the case now, more than ever... but, I can honestly say that to a large extent, I wouldn't be mad @ a black man for making this choice for certain malicious, vindictive reasons... of which, I will list, below:

1. Black women have bad attitudes & are unbearable to tolerate...

Now, before you assume that I'm all about bashing black women, remember that I am one & that I love being one; however, there are some undeniable flaws in our ability function in & sustain healthy relationships. Most often, I've heard, & most times sided w/, the argument that black women have endured a slew of distress that has caused our aggressive & combative nature. & while this is somewhat true, this does not excuse ANY of our behavior... whatever distress we've experienced, shouldn't give us the audacity to believe that we won't be held accountable for our actions. Our experience w/ heartache, suffering, & distress is no different than a difficult life that's experienced by any other person in this world... we all have the right to be angry & grieve over pain that we've experienced; however, we all have the responsibility to seek out the source of that pain, & the method/actions necessary for eliminating & overcoming that pain. A person that moves thru life reacting to every situation based on past experiences, failures, & pain, is as ignorant as a person that doesn't want to pursue an education.

2. Black women don't know how to care for black men...

Ironically, this statement probably wasn't true until the 70's or 80's... but, most likely the 70's (I think)... which is the time when black women began to stand side-by-side w/ black men in militant & civil-rights organizations like Black Panthers & NAACP. Prior to that, we were as dedicated to motherhood & "wifely duties" as our white counterparts. But, the 60's came & went, & had opened up doors for the race as a whole. Black women began stepping out of the kitchen to earn their own income. & as previously mentioned, we began standing by our male leaders... speaking up & taking new leadership roles... w/ this progress, began the struggle to be identified as an equal, not just a "help-mate." Sure, our white counterparts were also fighting to be equal, & who knows how many families that fight divided... but, in the black community, this divide, unfortunately, became a mainstay... & so, the single-mom was birthed... During the 70's, thousands of black women began the journey of guiding & teaching black children... trying to teach a young girl how to be a respectable woman as well as trying to teach a young boy how to be a respectable man... all the while, trying to maintain a respectable income & household... all alone. Prior to the 70's, this was more the exception than the norm, & most of the exceptions were due to widows. Perhaps, the increase single-mothers during the 70's was a direct correlation to an increase in the divorce rate... I'm not sure, but, unfortunately now, divorce is a minute fraction in the causes of single-mother parenting. In the past 20-30 years, having children out of wedlock has become the standard for most black couples.

Well... that's all background information... that's not even my main point... the black woman's ability to care for a black man, or any man for that matter, was lost when the black family began to disintegrate... how can a woman learn how to care for a man, if there isn't one around? & this unfortunate circumstance had a direct impact on the children... the young girls & boys that spent their childhood in this environment. The children that were products of this environment grew up, & guess what, they didn't know how to care for or communicate w/ one another b/c there was no positive example of this within their household as children. This has become a constant cause of frustration in the black community, & has developed into decades of pain & resentment between the genders, caused by the inability to effectively communicate.

3. Black women have a looooooong list of demands...

I find it completely hilarious, & sometimes frustrating, that Hollywood consistently portrays black women as these closed-off, dissatisfied, demanding, super-divas... but, you know what... Hollywood has a damn good point... this couldn't have been portrayed more clearly than on the recent dating show which starred Chili from TLC... (as I type this, I'm hit w/ the revelation that her actions were probably solely for the camera... BUT, they could still be true... anywho...) Chili had the most unrealistic, annoying "list" that I'd ever witnessed in my entire existence. & to be honest, I just realized that I have actually encountered women w/ these dreadful "lists." un-freaking-believable... how the hell do you function w/ a "list" (I totally imagine saying that word w/ disdain on my face that can only be rivaled w/ eating a spoiled, sour apple)... I mean, do you go on each date w/ a "list" of questions, & check each one off as the candidate answers... & do you dismiss a candidate b/c you didn't like his watch... cause clearly it was on your list that you had to like his watch... I mean, WTF?! How in the hell do you expect to build a connection w/ a person when all you can concentrate on is the fcuking "list" of demands running thru your head??? (throwing my hands up in the air in complete despair) I just don't get it. Don't get me wrong, I definitely have preferences, but am I going to dismiss someone b/c they don't fully match my "list?" & I'm sorry, my memory is terrible, so I would either forget to carry my "list" w/ me, or I would completely forget what the hell I included on the damn thing... *huffing & puffing*... that's just STUPID!

& I'm going to let you in on a little secret, ladies... usually, the woman that has the damn "list" is the one that has ALL the demands w/ no intention of reciprocating... who the hell wants to be w/ someone like that!?

Sure, we're supposed to be treating like queens, but shit... y'all want the royal treatment & then treat the dude like an UN-royal subject... & SURPRISE, ladies... you're outnumbered... so, you can walk around like yo' shit don't stank if you want to... you can walk around thinking that you are just too royal to be passed up by anyone... & I guarantee that you will continuously watch those potential kings pass you by... looks only last so long... attraction only last so long...

Oooooo, but don't think I've forgotten the flip-side of the list-toting interviewer... we also have the list-toting advertiser... AH YES!... these are the black women that walk around w/ their "list" of attributes... I'm a good woman b/c... 1. I'm intelligent, 2. I can cook... blah, blah, blah... These women wave their "good woman" status around like a fcuking get-out-of-jail free card... holding it over every suitor's head as if to say, "you'll never find another like me!" UMMMMM, boo, yes he will... while the market is flooded w/ skanks, hood-rats, & video hoes alike, there is also an army of educated, independent, soul-food cooking women that are ready & willing to "cater" to a man, or @ least show him the "list." But, a good woman/candidate doesn't have to advertise her "good" qualities b/c she allows her actions to speak louder than her words... & btw, the only thing that separates you from another "good woman" is timing & chemistry... so, while your peach cobbler may be the best in Mayberry, he will gladly choose the candidate that hasn't cooked a cobbler a day in her life, but is willing, b/c he enjoys her "conversation."

4. Black women are too... RELIGIOUS...

I must admit, this is an EKM original... I had to include it for shock-value & good ol' comedic flare! Please don't think that I'm the 2nd coming of Satan, ladies... of course, I love God & have a personal relationship w/ them... however, I must admit that I have to laugh every time I see these bible-toting, Christian women try their hand @ having a dating/social life. These are the women w/ a clear "list" of what they don't do... 1. I don't drink, 2. I don't want to go here or there b/c the devil is there, 3. I don't kiss until the 8.5th date b/c God told me not to... Extreme??? I don't think so... These people exist. No one is asking you to sell your soul to the devil in order to have a relationship w/ a man, but I strongly doubt that the most God-fearing man would want such an uptight & restricted woman... there's a difference in representing yourself as a God-fearing, respectable woman, & the bible-toting, door-to-door knocking, missionary that is often replicated in such movies as the Friday series. If you really trust in God, you don't have to shout out His name every time you're faced w/ an uncomfortable situation... how about being confident in your faith enough to not use it to call every activity "evil" or "un-Godly." I can't stress enough, how annoyed I am w/ people that are always putting God's name on everything... 1. God told me that I should go to the store, 2. God told me that he's the one... no, he's the one... no, he's the one... There is only ONE ONE... every man can't be "The One." You're so busy putting God's name on everything that you probably DON'T hear him when He's really trying to speak to you... hell, He's probably trying to tell you to lighten up & have some fun.

So, there... here's my list of reasons why black men choose to go to the other side... & the moral of the story is: a little open-mindedness never hurt any body...

Darkness...

2010-07-15T13:17:00.000-05:00

You'd assume from the title that I'm in some sort of turmoil... that my day has been terrible, or that I'm in a dark place... I'm not... but, someone very dear to me is... & though I don't fully feel or understand the depths of his situation, a part of me can still feel his pain & see him hurting... you know that saying, "my heart goes out..." Well, my heart is going out to this person... my heart is w/ this person b/c he stole it! Seems like the more complicated a relationship is, the more difficult it is to remove it from your life... your emotions are wrapped up in a web that you'll never be able to understand, but you know that what you feel is real.

Well, I don't want to delve too deeply into emotions or detail today b/c I've actually had a damn good day, & though I care deeply for this person, I've shed one too many tears in his honor... but, my heart is still w/ him. & I pray that he will find his way soon... perhaps, I'll still be waiting @ the end of the trail.

I now pronounce you...

2010-07-14T13:07:00.000-05:00

So, I saw it coming, but then again, I tried to be optimistic, BUT... the time has come... I am now the last of the bunch... the lone ranger... I am the only remaining single woman of my group of friends... sigh... I've approached this time w/ mixed feelings. To be honest, being single has been more of a subconscious CHOICE for me. I've chosen to spend time w/ some "bad apples" b/c I've never approached single hood nor holy matrimony w/ any specific intent. Everything has been pretty haphazard & w/o real consideration. So, as I've probably stated on this space in the past, I'm not particularly mad about being single to this point, b/c I know that it's been mostly of my own doing. & until a couple years ago, I had no desire to unite w/ any of the "bad apples," or anyone else, for that matter. So now, the desire to be united w/ someone has become a conscious desire for me, yet, I still have mixed feelings...

My sole intent for marriage is children... for whatever reason, it's become a firm requirement that I become married before I even consider giving birth... maybe, it's b/c I've held on to my record of surviving 28 years w/o a single pregnancy/abortion on my record... I'm very proud of that... but, that's not a testament to my discipline... it's been achieved thru sheer luck/blessing; which ever you prefer. YET, I think it would be so "me" to give birth out of wedlock... why, you might ask... b/c I'm not totally sold on marriage... as much as I desire it, it honestly doesn't fit my personality type... I'm a loner... a distant soul, by nature... I love from a distance. & while I have shown signs of being delivered from this debilitating flaw, I've also clung to it throughout my life. So, what success would such a detached person have in marriage... I'm not sure... maybe, I should consult one on this issue.

Not to mention, the idea of a "life partner" has always been intriguing to me. That title affords a person all the benefits of a committed, long-lasting relationship w/o all the political/societal stereotypes & requirements. I will never lie & say that I want to be alone/single for my entire life... @ the end of the day, I'm a hopeless romantic, so I most certainly want to share my life w/ someone... I want security in knowing that I share an unwavering commitment w/ someone. So, here's where I begin to play devil's advocate... does marriage truly provide the security that I, & so many others, seek? My cynic nature tells me that it doesn't. Quite honestly, I believe that marriage is one of the most elusive aspects of life... marriage has become an institution in which so many have chosen to hide behind. Marriage has become the ultimate cover-up. Don't get me wrong, I don't have negative opinions about marriage, just realistic ones. & I love seeing genuinely happy couples... it's the cutest thing.

So, realistically, I believe that too many people get married too soon & for the wrong reasons... too many people marry during the "puppy-love" state... when everything is ooooo & starry-eyed. & while that is definitely the best time of a relationship, it is not the best time to make a serious decision such as marriage... b/c when the oooooo's & starry-eyes disappear, reality sets in... & it's not always pretty. & this is where my argument that marriage is the ultimate illusion is birthed...

Besides having a successful career & all the things that it affords a person, marriage is probably the only other tangible thing that most people associate w/ success & happiness. For single-women, it's a coveted title. Thousands of women rush to the alter each year, w/ the full knowledge that their relationship is in shambles... but, oh how sweet it is to have the ring, the dress, & the title. There are thousands of women marrying men that they barely know, each year; whether it's a result of internet dating, or just good old-fashioned desperation. Ironically, you have the anti-desperatist (an EKM original!) whose sole purpose is to show how UN-desperate she is, so she spends her entire life in single hood... believing that she should be rewarded for her independence & high-standards... YET, she's completely miserable... but, that's another topic for another post. (& I REFUSE to be this woman)

So, we have all these women, rushing to the alter in the attempt to banish the cursed "single-woman" status... in this regard, this gives men total control... not to mention, this shows their maturity in having the ability to make an unemotional, mature decision... some of them (maybe, the majority), @ least. Because, why is it ok for a man to wait 'til his early to mid-30's to become married, but, when a woman does this, it's b/c she's almost expiring or tainted... SHE is the lucky one b/c someone FINALLY chose her... totally a double-standard... But, to be honest, while women do mature faster than men, this may be the one area in which they don't... so, maybe they need the time more than men do, but, men actually exercise the right to use it. Women are usually so in love w/ love that they will stick w/ it @ all costs... & while that could be recognized as unconditional love or an unwavering commitment to a person, sometimes it's just downright useless & unhealthy. & the stigma of being the last to get married has encouraged a rat race among women that's caused numerous forms of deception... putting holes in condoms is one example.

So, I've bashed women... but, men are to blame as well... the man that has the honest desire & maturity to make a lifetime commitment to a woman, should be commended... BUT, this commitment rarely last. & while most people will site infidelity as the most popular reason for divorce, it's connected to a larger issue, & that is communication. I don't know very many men that are notable communicators. Most men will say that women talk too much, but, most women will say that men don't talk enough. & while there is a misunderstanding between genders, each side is correct... to an extent. Women have to realize that EVERYTHING isn't up for discussion. Some things should just be released. However, men have to realize that there should be no secret between them & their partner that could potentially alter their lives together or separately... when a union is formed, men have the obligation to communicate their most important issues & concerns to their partner... no questions asked. BUT, this fails to happen way too often. When communication begins to fade & secrets are formed, is when unhappiness & mistrust surface. If a man can't completely share himself w/ his partner, then he shouldn't have chosen her in the 1st place. Undoubtedly, each person should maintain a form of the identity that he/she possessed prior to the union, but, once the union is formed, each person must know that EVERY decision that is made will affect the other person... will alter the union in some manner... this is where most men lack the necessary maturity needed for marriage. & this is why a lot of men don't get married... b/c they are unwilling to relinquish this freedom.

True, the issues that I've mentioned can happen under any union or circumstance; however, I believe that the inherent pressure to maintain the sanctity & laws of marriage can ultimately crack the foundation. You might say, "well... having a life partner ultimately gives the person the freedom or right to make a decision that won't directly affect the other person... it gives a person the freedom to conduct himself as he pleases." I believe this to be completely untrue. A verbal, written, or electronic commitment is what it is... a person's word... if a person fails to abide by or complete a contract or commitment, then he has failed to do what he said he was going to do... the only difference between a life-partner & a marriage partner is that marriage affords you the right to the other person's possessions when the commitment is broken... so, the real question is... do you really want a commitment or access to someone's possessions...

2010, I heart you :)

2010-07-12T18:45:00.000-05:00

Sooooo, 2010 got off to a slow, annoying, & mundane start for me... I was confused as ever & totally dissatisfied w/ my life... I'd invested a lot of time & energy into things that I knew were pointless... BUT, I'm happy to report that I've finally come out of hibernation & am moving in the right direction. & for once, it feels like this year could be the best one in a really long time... not that my life has ever been bad or hard, but I've been living purposeless & uninspired for way, too long.

So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed... hoping that my efforts will no longer be in vain.

Sometimes...

2010-04-05T21:43:00.000-05:00

I wish I could just fly away...

I wish I would've enrolled in a foreign exchange program when I was in college... my college Spanish teacher told us how he lived in Mexico for like 3 or 4 years & just immersed himself in the culture, & that's how he learned the language... I love stories like that!

Insanity

2010-04-03T20:20:00.000-05:00

I get tired of hearing the definition of insanity... so many people have used it as their FB statuses... I think it annoys me b/c it's so simple, it's almost too simple... but, it is sooooooooooooooooo true... & I've discovered that I've driven myself insane w/ the same silly mistakes... I almost want to believe that I just have dumb luck... that maybe it isn't my fault... maybe, it's b/c of some unknown being or universe that has chosen me to torture... but, it's not... it's just me being dumb & unbelievably careless... my carelessness NEVER ceases to amaze me... it's amazing how many different areas of my life it affects... one of the most important areas is finances...

With that said, I've decided that I need to go on a spending freeze... SO, I'm pledging to not spend money on any items other than necessities, i.e., bills, food, & gas... & food is limited to cooked meals... I really need to understand where my money is going & how I can stop it from leaving my hands/bank accounts so quickly... SO, wish me luck... I'm sure it will be hard, but it MUST be done...

Hmmm... to make it even more interested, I think I may try a fast as well... going to have to find a good & reasonable one... fasting is so hard for me... not that I really enjoy eating, but fasting just makes it 20 times more difficult to make food choices...

The spend freeze will begin tomorrow... I may wait til Monday to begin the fast.

Motivational/Inspirational

2010-03-25T13:58:00.000-05:00

I'm always so moved when I attend conferences, whether it be @ work or on my personal time... it's like a drug... it provides a temporary high. But, I normally tuck that high in my back pocket & forget all about it. I think I have a very compulsive personality... & as I left the conference that I attended today, I thought, "I should attend conferences like all the time!" Yea, right! Or, maybe that's the whole purpose of attending church regularly... hmm... that makes a lot of sense.

Anyway... I'm not sure where I want to go w/ my career, but what I do know is that I want to do something different... & I want to provide a service to people, but I'm not sure what that service is... I don't know... I'm thinking... (as the Jeopardy song plays in my head).

I wonder how long it's going to take me to figure it out... not that I'm on a time crunch, but I'm just curious... I'm curious about the next couple chapters in my little story (my life).

& maybe I should start doing that church thing more often!

No Child Left Behind

2010-03-18T14:47:00.000-05:00

The idea of giving every child in this country a chance to earn an education is wonderful; however, unfortunately, the reality is that some children want to be left behind... not literally speaking, but figuratively... I'm only arguing this point to support things that I will discuss later in this post... but, anyway... many children & young adults are aware of the resources and opportunities available to them, but they're too damn lazy to tap into them... they don't want to put forth the effort to excel, to do what's necessary to create a stable & respectable life...

I say all this b/c I know from personal experience... as I've often spoken of, I've realized in recent years that I'm too damn lazy for my own good... my educational experience can be summed up in one phrase, "doing enough to get by." I was often an honor roll student, but I made a comfortable home in the "middle of the pack." I was comfortable w/ a 3.0 - 3.2 range of gpa's... achieving a 4.0 was just too much damn work... not really, but I just preferred to do other things than to spend an extra hour or 2 studying or whatever.

All of this lack of effort has finally come full circle & taken a ginormous bite out of my ass... of all the professions available to me, I would choose one that would require more technical & critical thinking skills than any one other than medicine, maybe... & I now realize that my half-hearted effort just isn't good enough to attain the recognition and financial security that this profession does actually offer... Yea, I'm working towards my CPA, but even that seems like a task that's more than I can chew... though, I'm praying that for once in my life, I can step up to the plate & complete & accomplish something that will benefit me far, far into the future.

Am I in love w/ this profession, of course not, but for an indecisive, aloof individual, as myself, it's the best decision that I've made in my life, thus far, b/c it has forced me to confront my laziness & complacent attitude.

To get right down to it... I'm faced w/ being left behind & unneeded, & it's not a good feeling... I've watched as several people that were hired w/ me, or after me, have been promoted, recognized, & consistently chosen. & the scary truth is that I have no other option @ this point... right now, I need this profession far more than it needs me. & I believe until I overcome the issues that have caused me to consistently underachieve, I'll never be able to accomplish & reach my true goals or passions.

As I've said, repeatedly, old habits die a really slooooow death... but, the first step in every road to recover is acceptance & admittance. But, no matter if it's in this profession or another, I am determined to overcome the things that I have continuously allowed to stunt my progression.

I'm sure I've said all these things before, @ some point in this space... but, writing is a subconscious reminder... I needed a reminder today.

It's that time, again...

2010-03-15T20:32:00.000-05:00

Time to get my workout plan together... whether it's Kanye's plan or someone else's plan, I need a good one, ASAP! I had some other topic on the brain, but I'm too tired to remember right now... 3 miles of running took all the energy that I had... but, it felt so good; so glad that I went... Hoping that I can maintain a consistent routine thru the summer... it's not really about being a certain size or losing weight, but maintaining a healthy lifestyle... so many of the illnesses that we suffer from, are caused by lack of exercise & poor eating habits... & also, I still want to turn heads @ 40 & 50! But, it starts @ 20, or in my 20's... so, now! I've done decently, thus far. But, in the past couple months, my midsection has grown frightful... so, I want to take control before the situation becomes out of control... exercising, especially running, is also good meditation & relaxation for me... one of the few times that my brain is talking, excessively. I need to put forth more effort into making sure that I balance my life... & need to stop being so damn lazy, in general... I'm trying, I'm trying... but, old habits die soooooooooo slowly!

Rogue

2010-03-07T19:42:00.000-06:00

I feel like I've had this topic before, & I probably have... I swear my brain is like a merry-go-round... & I'm not sure if it's due to my bad memory or just good ol' dejavu that causes me to often times be in situations or say things that have already happened or been said... anywho, someone asked one day, what superhero did I identify w/ or would I want to be... I chose Rogue from X-men b/c she's like a chameleon... she absorbs the powers of those that she comes into contact w/... I believe that this is a quality that I have; however, I'd like to develop it to be a lot more beneficial for me... I believe that I'm pretty good @ adapting to most situations & environments; however, what I don't do well is absorb the good qualities of those that surround me... I have so many examples of good & inspiring people around me... & I often times feel their energy; however, I hardly ever put the energy that I've absorbed to use. It's a blessing to be around such good company... as much as I know that I'm a loner, I also know that I starve w/o real, meaningful human interaction... I would never want to completely shield myself from the world... of course, a lot like Rogue, I do seclude myself @ times in order to revitalize or recharge my powers! & I'm more about quality than quantity, anyway... I don't like being surrounded by a lot of people just to feel important... I'd rather stick w/ 5 or 6 people that I know will enrich my life to the fullest. As I said in my previous post... I am such a dreamer... & I fear that I will never become the girl in my head b/c the girl that stands before me is too damn lazy! BUT, I'm taking baby steps... after all, how does that saying go about the one that wins the race... there goes that bad memory, again!

Hmmm...

2010-03-07T18:15:00.000-06:00

So, I've been away... I don't have much to say but wanted to write something... feeling a little inspired... I'm such a dreamer... not many of my dreams have become reality, yet; however, I'd like to think that I'm putting forth an honest effort to accomplish that. It seems like such a long process, though. I don't want to live a boring life forever... I'll get it right soon enough... ok, I'm done typing jibberish!

Age Ain't Nothing But A Number...

2010-02-07T19:39:00.000-06:00

...throwing down ain't nothing but a thang... used to love that song! thought I was grown listening to all that "baby making" music... Whew... thank God, I didn't end up pregnant.

Anywho... I celebrated my born-day on yesterday... didn't really celebrate, but I was surely thankful to see another one. Most women stop revealing their age @ one point or another, & I've sort of decided to adopt this practice as well... but, not @ all b/c I'm ashamed of my age, but moreso b/c I don't feel my age. Most people don't believe how old I am when I tell them, anyway... so, I'm going to continue to embrace my youth! Why not!? Why not live as if I have 5 or 10 more years before I turn 30?!

No, no, no... this doesn't mean that I'm going to revert to immaturity, but that I'm going to do all I can to sustain my health, image, & vibrancy/vitality.

So... here's to many more years as a 23-year old... LOL!

A Change Gon' Come

2010-01-22T15:12:00.000-06:00

I don't think anyone could sing that song like Sam Cooke... he sang it in a way that made you believe that a change, a major change, was going to come.

@ this exact moment in my life, this song has never rang so true. It's funny how people go thru life w/ slight flaws but they always culminate into something ginormous. I have suffered this common demise. I, for whatever reason, have prided myself on laziness, procrastination, & lack of attention to detail... but, laziness has been the main culprit.

Laziness has cost me, & those that I love, more time & money than I can count. & it has pushed me into a dreadful corner, where I feel trapped & helpless. Laziness has far exceeded my effort, b/c while I have put forth effort @ various things, that effort has been washed away by one single instance of laziness... this coins the phrase "taking 2 steps forward & 2 steps back."

But, like my good friend Sam said, "A change gon' come." Or @ least I hope so b/c this is no way to live.

I find it funny/ironic that so many people suffer from trying so hard not to be something, that they subconsciously become that something.

This is no different in my case... while I have never tried to present myself as "having it all together," I've prided myself on @ least giving it a try... but, in retrospect what was my try, really... but, I've tried my best NOT to be the clueless, spoiled chick, yet no matter what I've done or how hard I've tried, I think this is still the perception of me. I know that some of it is me being my own worst critic, but I also know that some of it is true.

& I think that this is significantly due to my lazy & detached nature... allowing things to "fall by the wayside," for no other reason, but laziness & lack of concern.

Another culprit is self-loathing/self-punishment... most people think that by being hard on themselves, or punishing themselves, it solves the problem or makes those involved feel better, but it doesn't. The remorse only lasts so long & ultimately, more often than not, the person repeats the behavior later on. & that's usually where tough love comes into play, & when it is needed most.

I am probably harder on myself than I need to be. But, like my example, I somehow find myself repeating the same behaviors.

So, I'm finally ready to say that "the buck stops here." I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of feeling clueless. & I'm tired of getting the same results... there is no way that I will be able to succeed, or successfully function as a person, if I continue down the same path... it has not been a terrible path, but I'm sure that it's not the one that my parents, & most importantly, God, have chosen for me... it's not the one that I want for myself b/c it's unbelievably draining & depressing.

So, Sam, I'm taking you up on that... a change is coming.

Update: wow, this was a really depressing entry, BUT, it was honest... & that's the only thing that I know to be.

Julie, Julia, & Me

2010-01-20T19:38:00.000-06:00

I really enjoyed this movie... Meryl Streep was superb. But, I couldn't help but think about the fact that it must have been a strain for Julie to take on such an ambitious goal. Judging by the couple's modest apartment, it appeared that Julie & her husband didn't have much money. For that reason, & a few others, it seemed like it would be unrealistic for me to attempt such a goal... Not to mention, I'm not the greatest chef, I'm ok, but I'm often intimidated by complicated recipes... I usually prefer recipes that don't require precise measurements & exotic/unfamiliar ingredients...

However, I've determined that I could attempt a goal somewhat similar, & definitely inspired by the one that Julie accomplished... & that goal is to learn 2 new recipes per week, for this year.

Aside from the CPA exam, income management is probably the biggest goal that I have for this year... for my life. As I mentioned in a previous post, I've already conquered my shopping demons, but I realize that my second largest obstacle in reaching my financial goal is food consumption.

Quite honestly, I don't eat a lot. I'm usually good w/ breakfast & lunch. Dinner is usually an afterthought, & only a major issue after a good workout. Unfortunately, daily visits to random restaurants for lunch, is absolutely killing my budget, & probably my waistline as well. So, as I said, I've conquered the shopping, now I have to conquer the eating.

Of course, the logical solution is to cook more. & to an extent, I have no problem w/ that... but, the extent is that I am not very fond of leftovers. There is a very limited list of items that I enjoy eating a second time around... this list includes fish, stews/soups, & pasta... meatloaf is also a consideration. I don't like chicken b/c it's normally dry by the second day, & it smells horrible when re-heated... the reheat issue also applies to pork & any other meat w/ a bone... truthfully, I think it's the bone that causes the stench... makes the meat smell re-heated, overcooked meat.

Also, I only know a limited number of recipes. The limited repertoire also bothers me b/c I want to be a decent chef for my future husband. I always think about my dad & how he complained about his ex-wife's limited menu options... I think she rotated the same 5 recipes each week, & that really is unacceptable & boring. So, I don't want to torture my husband or my children. Our generation has become so accustomed to dining out & it negatively affects so many aspects of our lives, including our health.

I always tell people how I wish I would've had the opportunity to take home economics in school. I think that course should be reinstated in our schools. Girls really don't know how to cook anymore, & I think it's sad. I wish I knew how to cook like women did "back in the day..." making everything from scratch, from biscuits to ice cream. I think it's a lost art among my generation.

So, my little goal will ultimately kill quite a few birds w/ one stone.

My only dilemma is that busy season starts in a couple weeks, & spans thru May, so it's going to be quite difficult to accomplish. Not only are we required to work @ least 55 hours/week during this time, but my schedule for this year includes quite a bit of traveling, including a couple months stay in New Jersey. But, I think I will still be able to swing it when I'm in town b/c I can just commit to trying one recipe on a weekday & then one recipe on the weekend. Of course, I'll have to put the project on hold while I'm in New Jersey.

But, I'm excited... I even want to reach out to my FB friends & ask for recipes & suggestions.

I think I will start the project next week. I'd like to start it this week, preferably Saturday, but a friend & I are planning to go hiking so I'm sure that will consume the day.

But, I will start digging for recipes... I actually have a pretty decent cookbook.

So, let the games begin!

In Your Skin

2010-01-19T09:14:00.000-06:00

I take issue w/ people that don't know how to be themselves... I think people have become so concerned w/ confidence that everyone has now adopted personas that they don't even know how to control... & a lot of people aren't even aware that they suffer from this issue.

A line from one of my favorite songs by Sy Smith says "I don't know myself, though I know a few who do, & they seem sort of shallow, so I take my time & start anew."

I've always been sort of unsure of myself, but as I've matured, I've grown very confident in everything that I do... this doesn't mean that I'm arrogant, but that I'm ok w/ who I am or what I'm doing in the midst of any situation... surprisingly, I'm very indecisive; however, once I decide, that's it... So, if I decide to be emotional in a certain moment, then I'm going to follow that emotion to the depths of the sea!

I'm ok w/ being confused @ times, I'm ok w/ making mistakes... I know that it's ok that I'm not perfect... I try not to take myself too seriously, & I love laughing @ myself.

However, I meet so many people that have developed personas, & they don't know how to recover after a slight misstep... they try too hard in awkward moments... trying to appear as if they have control in every situation... trying so hard to maintain the image that they've created for themselves.

I'm no good w/ awkward moments, in the sense that I don't force what I know is not there. So, sometimes that means not engaging in small talk w/ someone that I don't know or really don't care to know... sometimes, I don't care to know what a person did w/ their weekend... now, some may say that's arrogant & impolite... but, is it necessary when each person has a dislike for the other... I don't know, but that's just a quick example.

Anyway... People have come to believe that the more that you do, or the more you know, then the more "together" or confident you are, the more important you are... but, you don't always have to fill the empty spaces in life... sometimes, you discover the most important things in the midst of silence.

I've been told that I'm confident & that's cool, but I'm really not sure if I am one way or another, & I'm ok w/ that... what I know about myself is that I am moody, goofy, detached, emotional, intelligent, forgetful, insecure, arrogant, organized, messy, lazy, determined, rude, compassionate, thoughtful, & selfish... I am all those things @ one point or another & I'm ok w/ that.. so, if that makes me confident, cool... if that makes me confused/confusing... cool... but, I'm not going to pretend that I am or am not any of those things.

Stop F*cking w/ me...

2010-01-18T16:29:00.000-06:00

:)... I was going to title this "Makes Me Want to Scream," but then I thought of that other line in MJ's song.

Today has been long & exhausting... I am beyond tired & frustrated. But, in the midst, I'm relishing my freedom... as I said, previously, I am no pretender... it is the hardest thing for me to pretend to be interested in someone... but, the thing that I find troubling, most often, is that guys won't allow you time to get to where they are... they believe that you should be just as attracted to them as they are to you, & w/ no additional effort or anything... totally amazes me each time it happens to me. So, sometimes, being single is so refreshing to me, b/c I'm not being forced to be involved in any situation that I don't want to be involved in... I'm even growing tired of the person that I really care for... I don't know, it could just be the day... I'm really tired... I have no energy for anyone, not even myself.

I'm thankful for having used brain cells today, but I am no good... how in the world am I going to survive when I have children...

Monday vs. Friday

2010-01-15T11:03:00.000-06:00

What is it about Mondays & Fridays??? Mondays are the worst b/c they are the beginning of the week, & Fridays are just as hard b/c they are the end... & on each of these days, I think I am the least productive. Though, Mondays are a little bit easier b/c, most times, I have to make up for "slacker Fridays!" & I am always so tired on Fridays that they end up feeling just as bad Mondays... I don't know if it's age or what, but I'm better @ hanging out on a random weeknight than a Friday... what is that about?! I am so tired right now... but, it is wet, rainy, dreary here today, so maybe those things are the culprit. Also, I did go to happy hour w/ co-workers last night & had a few beers, but the beers helped me sleep, so I don't know... I guess I am just old.

So, if Fridays are just as hard as Mondays to be productive, then my work week only spans over 3 days: Tuesdays, Wednesdays, & Thursdays! I'm sure my employer would not be happy to know that. BUT, I believe most American workers are just the same... I wish we had a set-up like Japan... I think they are allowed to take naps & get massages @ work... that would be so awesome!

But, between 8 & 4, I hate Fridays just as much as I hate Mondays... so, come on 4:00... SAVE ME!

Go for Broke

2010-01-14T13:34:00.000-06:00

The new year always inspires me, & gives me a new found hope & energy. Though, I severely disdain resolutions, I unintentionally end up w/ a few... I'd rather refer to them as goals, though.

For the past couple years, I've always found more time to spend on this space @ the beginning of the year, only to become completely m.i.a by mid-year. There are a few other repeat offenses, but the most notable & nerve-wrecking one is my finances.

Each year, I begin w/ an annual budget, only to see it blown each month. In 2009, I finally learned how to deny my thirst for shopping. However, there were so many other things that replaced that thirst, & what extra income I would've had... for example, bills, bills, & more bills. 2009 was the year of emergencies. I didn't have many, but usually couldn't afford to cover the ones that I did have. I got behind in just about all of my financial obligations @ one point or another; & most times, for no other reason than mismanaging my income.

This year has been no different... I ended 2009 w/ a minor car accident, which seems to have spilled over into this year b/c now my car's engine has failed, & I believe that this was caused by the accident.

But, I'd like to dig myself out of the perpetual whole that was 2009, & that has been most of my life. I'd also like to close the chapter on living "check to check." It's no fun, & it is the most... the only... depressing aspect of my young life. More than ever, I'd like to see my emergency fund & savings materialize.

Have I made some poor choices this year, thus far... a few... but, I pray that they don't snowball into the rest of the year.

This accomplishment isn't about 2009 or 2010... it's about the rest of my life.

Perhaps, I will kill two birds w/ one stone & use this space to chronicle my financial journey.

The Creative Intellectual

2010-01-12T13:33:00.000-06:00

I wonder what I'd be doing if I weren't in accounting... when the days are slow, as they often are, I can't help but imagine that I'd have some fabulous career where I could be creative & set my own rules & schedule... but, I have no idea what this fabulous career would entail. I'm over fashion... the industry is way too pretentious for me. I enjoy writing, but it's not something that I've considered actively pursuing. Though, I must admit that my opinionated nature lends me to believe that I'd be successful in radio, or as a free-lance writer...

Maybe, once I get this damn CPA exam out of the way, I will look into doing some small projects.

No Pretender

2010-01-11T12:21:00.000-06:00

I don't want to overwhelm FaceBook w/ my constant cynicism, so thank goodness for this here, personal space.

It is such a complete shame when I'm not interested in something. I seriously feel sorry for the object of my non-affection...

I had a whole personal example, but I don't feel like being personal today... I'm in such a detached mood today, & sadly, I'm relishing it.

I wonder is it a good or bad thing that I don't hide my feelings very well... most often, my dislike for something... I call it honesty, but I know that on most occasions, it borders pure asshole-ism.

But, this issue mostly affects my relationships w/ men... I'm sure that I've discussed this before. O well, it's still an issue, & I have nothing else to do right now... But, it's so hard for me to show interest in someone for too long... the initial thrill is all I can usually offer. There has been only one person that has held my attention, consistently, for longer than a year. I know that this isn't a good thing, but it really amazes me... & it's completely hilarious @ times.

I know, I know... the cliche line, "when the right person comes along..." & that's probably true, but it just seems like I'm one of the few women that have this issue so severely... maybe not...

& the thing is, I feel like most women just pretend to be as detached as I am, but as the title says, I'm no pretender... for example, a lot of women cling to that "independent woman" status to justify why they are single, & all these other comforting or empowering reasons... & while I am independent & a host of other things, I know that none of those things justify why I am single. Quite honestly, the major reason why I'm probably single is b/c I haven't cared enough to try... I haven't met too many men that I want to try w/; however, that is also my fault, b/c I haven't cared enough, thus far, to incorporate that type of man into my life... I guess I'm wishing that he would just fall into my lap, otherwise, I honestly don't think I will ever meet him.

Now, fortunately, there is a flip side... I am a completely, recklessly emotional, loving woman... when it's warranted. So, no, I am not dead inside... I know that I have the ability to love.

Blah... I hate talking about relationships...

I will not spend any more time than necessary, this year, talking or thinking about a damn relationship... there is no reason for anyone to pretend like they don't know why they're single, or why they suck @ relationships... cynicism is still in effect!

The Hollywood Illusion

2010-01-08T12:43:00.000-06:00

So, I really feel a way about the recent deaths of Brittany Murphy & Casey Johnson... two more additions to the long list of celebrities that have died from drug overdose. It sickens me that the medical community continue to cater to the dysfunctional personalities that crowd the entertainment industry. I wouldn't say that the blame should be solely placed on the medical community; however, something should be done. How a person functions on medicinal cocktails, that sometimes include double-digit prescription drugs, is beyond me. Why would someone want to try to function that way, & what is so bad in that person's life that they have this co-dependency?

However, this is only part of the issue.... the beginning starts @ the beginning. What type of home a person comes from, what type of beliefs or morals that a person has, & the maturity level of a person, are just some of the factors that determine how successful one can be, & how one will handle success.

Our generation, more than ever, is dominated by fame & wealth. Everyone wants to be rich, famous, powerful, connected, or important. Each person takes whatever slice of the pie that they can afford... from the ghetto chick that loves to rock Prada, Gucci, & Fendi, or the like (knock-off), to the CEO that has the multi-million dollar home, luxury vehicle, & never-ending wealth.

Unfortunately, the common denominator any each case is the lack of real happiness. Everyone is so busy chasing happiness that they have no clue of what it actually is. Those that have not, envy those that have, & those that have envy those that have not.

In Casey Johnson's case, here was a girl that stood to inherit billions of dollars from the wealth that her family had amassed from the Johnson & Johnson product line. Casey grew up around Paris & Nicky Hilton. Casey was used to having whatever she wanted. Like most of our young "socialites," Casey didn't have a genuine career. Her life was mostly filled w/ shopping, parties, & other social events. Sounds like the life... right? Well, Casey also had a terrible drug addiction. She'd made an attempt @ normalcy by adopting a child last year; however, her drug addiction & lack of maturity caused her parents to take the child away from her.

I often here people say that they don't feel sorry for rich kids... they always mock the kids w/, "Oh, I'm rich, please have sympathy for me." & while the child's economic situation is better than most, their mental state, ability to understand, lead, & be a responsible person, rival that of an adolescent, well into adulthood. On any given day, all of their decisions are made for them. Their lives are planned far before they even realize who they are, & the consequences of life, in general. So, how could anyone expect a person that hardly ever has to think for themselves, to be happy, successful, and responsible? & how could you not feel sympathy for a person that has no clue, and ultimately, that is lost? Sure, the ultimate responsibility lies w/ their parents, but I don't have enough energy to open that can of worms... besides, it all revolves around my initial point, what was their beginning like?

Similarly, an impoverished child suffers the same; however, their circumstances are the result of not having access to things that are supposed to prepare them for all the challenges that life will bring. & even when this child is given access or an opportunity, the probability of failure is great. Professional athletes are prime examples of children that grew up without, but were given access later in life. Not all, but the vast majority of professional athletes encounter financial and legal trouble because of lack of education & preparation. Not to mention, a vast majority of them engage in drugs & other detrimental activities due to lack of real happiness.

People often assume that money cures all. But, money is only half of the battle. Money gives you access to enjoy luxuries, but these luxuries can only cure so much. If self-identity & worth are absent, then it's like throwing money into a body of water & watching it as it disappears. The presence of money brings on a host of other responsibilities & intangible pressures that can tear down a weak person. A person is then accountable for their image & also for the profitability of multiple corporations, whether it be an NBA team or a beverage company. Actresses and models have to maintain a certain weight & style to even be marketable.

In Brittany Murphy's case, the intangible pressures are what ultimately caused her death. Like so many of her colleagues, she became addicted to a medical cocktail. She continuously struggled to stay thin, turning to anorexia on several occasions. She'd recently began a new movie, and wanted to have a child this year. But, on the day of her death, she relaxed in her bath tub, & took what would be her last cocktail. Was this done purposefully due to lack of happiness, or had her body failed due to the ravage that was caused by the constant drug usage? No one may ever know.

& what scares me the most, is that there are so many people that are traveling on the same roads as the stars that have suffered untimely deaths... not to mention, these are the people that the younger generation considers to be role models. Why would you want to model your life after an unhappy person? Why would you pursue something believing that it will bring you happiness?

Happiness isn't obtained thru a career, a car, a house, a dress, a purse, a woman, or a man. Happiness is obtained thru a meaningful connection with yourself & those that truly care about you. You shouldn't have to chase happiness, b/c like God, or whomever your spiritual leader is, happiness is always with you. Happiness is as constant as the sun & the air that we breath. It's not wrapped up in some unknown equation that you have to spend your entire life trying to solve. & we should all have sympathy for those that don't understand these things.

So, I pray that people will stop chasing happiness. I pray that people will do what's necessary & not what's popular. Only then will they begin to enjoy the euphoric thing known as happiness.

The Beginning

2010-01-07T12:05:00.000-06:00

I'd like to send a special shout out to the first 7 days of 2010 & how productive they have been for me! I am the worst when I have too much time on my hands... I was off from work for like 5 days last week & didn't do a thing... hopefully, I can kick my procrastinator happen @ some point, I doubt it, but it won't matter much to me, if I can accomplish the things that I intend to... I kind of relish my procrastinating nature. Though, w/ the CPA exam looming, I CANNOT afford to procrastinate. I am the absolute worst @ studying, & that's all that this damn test is about... I'm already shaking in my boots & I haven't submitted my application for it, yet... which I'd created a task reminder in my phone that required a completion date of, oh, about 4 weeks ago! Don't worry, it will get done. I'm as excited to get the whole process over with as I am to buy a new pair of boots... hopefully, both will be in my near future.

So, keep your fingers crossed, & wish me luck! I will continue to be productive... in my own way!

No NY for MY...ers!

2009-12-22T15:21:00.001-06:00

NY would be new year's resolution, & I refuse to come up w/ one. I must admit that I have a lot of goals & things planned for 2010, but only b/c I've learned so much in 2009 that I will apply in 2010. 2009 was one of the worst years of my life, & I didn't endure half the crap that most people did. But, it was just a year in which the unexpected was always waiting @ my front door & taking up space in my bed... & as I look back, I could almost shed a tear... I'm actually going to miss 2009... just a little. Why am I going to miss 2009, you ask? Well, b/c the journey has been absolutely beautiful. I am so grateful for 2009. I have learned so much about myself & others, & b/c of that, I will never be able to replace 2009... I almost wish I had more photos to remember 2009... & b/c of 2009, I will forever react differently, more positively, to difficult/crisis-type situations. 2009 gave me serenity, & that's something that you definitely need in this life.

So, I won't disrespect my special relationship w/ 2009 by looking too far ahead into 2010... however, I can't wait to experience 2010 w/ the things that I obtained in 2009.

School is for fools!

2009-10-25T17:18:00.000-05:00

I can't even think of a title b/c I'm so pissed... I hate school. @ times like this, I wish I had a trade b/c I promise I would do that over this crap... this is torture. I'm literally getting a migraine from learning. They should have a disclaimer before you enroll in a class that says: "Side effects may include headache, nausea, vomiting, nose bleed, stress, loss of sleep, loss of appetite..." Seriously, I promise I have suffered most of those symptoms @ one point or another today. How I ever finished my 1st degree, I have no freakin' idea. & to think that I'm talking about getting a Master's degree, & was just telling someone that I might get a Doctorate one day... wtf?! They better serve the absolute best cocktails in those doctoral courses, or else, I'm not going to make it...

I could seriously scream or throw something right now...

Btw, I thought of the title upon completing this here posts!

Some people, some people...

2009-10-10T20:13:00.000-05:00

some people really are dreaming...

That song is in my head right now (Nas featuring Kanye West & Chrisette Michele). I really like that song & it is so true. We spend so much time dreaming.

I don't really have anything deep to say, but just wanted to add 2 cents to this here space today.

I Heart...

2009-09-24T20:07:00.000-05:00

something!

I find myself annoyed by various things right now. Most notably, people's incessant need to post all of their business on social networking sites (Facebook, specifically)... it's gotten out of control, & I'm totally disgusted by it. But, that's another topic for another day. I had something else on my mind.

The human heart is an amazing muscle. It's as important, if not more important, than the human brain. How fascinating it is to know that these two mechanisms are the key to every relationship we develop... everything we do in life. Our heart is strong enough to pump blood throughout our entire body, yet, one lie... one disappointment, can make it feel as weak as a damaged flower. Our brain sends signals throughout our body in a matter of nanoseconds, yet, one lie... one disappointment, can cloud and damage it for years. Knowing these things, one might believe that we would be more considerate of each other. However, those simple facts are taken for granted more than life itself.

How beautiful it is to give and receive love... to think about and know love. But, how horrible it is that we take it for granted... thinking that it's as common as a penny on the street. Maybe it is, but just like those pennies on the street, love is unique & valuable. So, why not pick it up & invest it somewhere; instead of picking it up, & throwing it right back down... stepping on it.

Hmm... I was trying to be deep... I don't know, just rambling really. Not in that poetic mood, but definitely feel as if I have something to say... I guess I'm just tired of people shitting on love like it's a damn port-a-potty. Even if you don't want a long-term relationship/friendship w/ someone, respect that person & respect yourself. Respect the institution of love.

The Unknown...

2009-09-04T15:11:00.000-05:00

I am a worry wort... I worry about things I'm not even sure of, so much so, that I believe I've completely lost my connection w/ my "gut feeling." The unknown scares me so badly that I create stories in an attempt to make that which is unknown, known... it's horrible, & I'm sick & tired of it! It's exhausting, & most of the time (probably 98.9%) pointless. I'm afraid that I'm going to give myself a damn ulcer if I don't stop. Btw, I am trying to stop. I guess the 1st step in curing the problem is recognizing the problem, & I have done that. The 2nd step is becoming so fed up w/ the problem that you're completely motivated to solve the problem, so I guess that's where I am right now!!!

Pray for me y'all!!! I know I can change!!!

Work it, Girl!

2009-08-20T21:23:00.000-05:00

Woohoo!! Someone slapped me on the ass, & got me moving. I'm becoming a workout junkie & I'm loving it... energy in motion!!

Life in motion... I feel a change coming, in so many areas.

Blah, blah, blah

2009-08-19T20:52:00.000-05:00

I'm sure I've used that title before, but o well...

Maybe, it's all the commotion over health care, or my virtually, lifelong negative energy (only in the sense that I'm a known pessimist), but I'm growing unbelievably tired of people complaining & making excuses... Everyone wants to give their opinion, but no one wants to listen, & no one wants to offer any solutions. & I've never determined if I'm truly a democrat, republican, or independent, but right about now, I'm tired of all of them. I mean, they are carrying on like a hateful divorced couple... attacking & blaming each other @ every turn.

& most upsetting is my people's (Black people) constant need to diagnose & highlight our illnesses as a people. Our children are poor in so many other ways than financially, but no one wants to do anything about it. Hollywood is rushing over to save Africa, when Brooklyn, Harlem, & L.A. are in virtually the same condition. (well, not the exact same... but, ghetto children need help, too!)

But, I digress b/c I'm doing the very thing that I'm trying to speak out against!

So, in short... It's time for action, people... & if you don't want to be a solution, then shut up!

Welcome back, My Child.

2009-08-04T15:31:00.000-05:00

That's probably what God said to me on Sunday afternoon, as I stepped into a place of worship for the 1st time in probably 6 months or more... no, no, no I'm not an atheist. But, as w/ most things, unfortunately, I grew tired of church. The messages are always the same & there are always hidden agendas & opinions... but, before I get on my religion-bashing horse, I must say that I really enjoyed reconnecting w/ that part of myself, again. Unfortunately, my a.d.d set in about 10 minutes into the speaker's sermon, but all in all, I enjoyed myself. I'm going to have to work on building up my spiritual tolerance, again, so that I can listen to the message w/o wanting to blow my brains out... that was a bit exaggerated, but you get my point!

Some Kind of -Ology...

2009-08-01T15:19:00.000-05:00

Could it be... maybe it's the constant exposure to medical shows & the country's fascination w/ forensics, but, I'm thinking that my next career move will involve medicine. I'm currently in the process of mapping out this move, & health, keeps calling my name. Being the aqua that I am, I'm finding myself piece-mealing different degrees together in hopes that I will make my next move as interesting as my warped logic will allow. So, I'm thinking that my next career title will include " "ology... the study of... something!

Through the Darkness...

2009-07-09T18:47:00.000-05:00

I have been in a funk, lately... I know what you're thinking, "You're always in a funk, E." Nah, but this is a different type of funk. I'm not sure how long it's been here, but it's come to a head this week. It's one of those illness-causing, constant headache producing, permanent smile upside down seeking, weight gain mandatory funks. & to spare myself the pity party, I won't go into detail on what could be the cause of the funk... I'm not even sure. But, I think it's just normal life stuff. & as I mature, I am realizing that the best way out of any funk is production... being productive. It's so easy to get caught up in a mood & wallow, but it's the worst thing, EVER. So, I'm glad that I'm learning to push through the bullshit & as I love to say, "keep it moving."

A House Is Not A Home

2009-06-23T20:31:00.000-05:00

No, not Luther's rendition!

Tonight, I took pride in my home, & it felt good... like it was mine, & like I wanted people to love it as much as I did.

What did I do, you ask... I washed dishes, vacuumed, washed my front door, & watered my grass... something that I never do. So much so that all my grass is nearly dead. But, I'm hoping w/ a little TLC, water, & fertilizer, it will be as green as the other side, in no time.

Bills, bills, bills...

2009-06-22T19:35:00.000-05:00

Would someone please pay my bills!? Just for a few months... say, 'til august!? Sugar Daddy, Sugar Daddy, Sugar Daddy... where for art thou, Sugar Daddy!?

Shopaholics Anonymous

2009-06-16T08:38:00.000-05:00

I will not spend money. I will not spend money. I will not spend money... if I say that 3 times fast, will that cure me!

Whoa is me. I made out a pretty budget & everything. & I think it would have actually worked if I hadn't bought that cute top from Forever 21, then there was food & drinks @ Boudreaux's... totaling a whopping $50. Isn't that sad... I don't have 50 damn dollars to spare... this shit has got to give... WTF!? But, it's my own fault. I'm in a world of debt, which eats up most of monthly. So, my life is currently in the hands of my debt... sigh.

But, the moral of this here sad story is that it could be worse. So, I'm going to smile in the face of adversity & my own stupidity, knowing that one day soon, very damn soon, I'm going to concur this foolishness.

She is me...

2009-06-15T19:34:00.001-05:00

So, somewhere along the way this year, I lost connection with the girl in my head again, or we just fell out... I didn't really get the memo. 6 months into the year, I realize that I haven't accomplished anything on my "to-do" list, & for no other reason than pure laziness. & that's mostly because I've truly realized how hard it is to change... How hard it is sometimes to just get up & do something. & for this reason, I'm the worst procrastinator that I know. But, there's a bright spot... I start ballet this Wednesday, so let's pray that this opens the door for me & this girl becoming the best of friends... She should be my best friend... After all, she is me!

Untitled & Unfinished...

2009-06-14T08:48:00.000-05:00

I love you & it scares me
I love you & I'm just starting to understand why
I love you & I'm just starting to understand how
I love you & I pray that we have more time.

But, how do I set aside my own desires so that we continue to grow separately & jointly
How do I learn to say no to something/someone that I want so severely
How do I begin to trust a heart & a person that has betrayed me w/o merit
How do I forgive & forget about the past when it's continuously affecting our present.

Gaining Weight

2009-06-07T21:48:00.000-05:00

So, I have gained a few (maybe 4 or 5) lbs. in the past month or so. & each time I look in the mirror, I'm reminded of what a frustrating situation it is... a few lbs. isn't a problem, but it's what those few lbs. can bring that is... more friends, more lbs... so I'm committing myself to getting off my lazy ass this week, & making an effort to keep it tight. B/c Lord knows I would die if I lost my sexy!

Closed Mouths Don't Get Fed

2009-05-08T10:11:00.000-05:00

In keeping w/ my "back in love" theme, I pose the question of what is the appropriate way to let someone know that you want a future w/ them, i.e. marriage, children, the white picket fence... ya know. Historically, I've prided myself on being the "anti-woman." I don't like engaging in the emotional & self-righteous acts that most women do. To make it simple, here is a list of the things that I refuse to do:

1. search through phones, pockets, wallets, drawers, etc.

2. ask too many questions

3. ridicule "the other woman"

4. argue

5. ask "where is this going?"

6. demand marriage

Very short list, but they're some of the most common. Granted, I'm extremely emotional, as I've learned over the past couple years, but, some things seem so unnecessary to me. But, the point of this here post is that I had a conversation w/ my love last night in which we somewhat discussed our future & what we want. B/c so much has happened between he & I, we'd grown comfortable w/ not speaking too much into our future together; sort of a "take things as they come" or "one day @ a time" type situation. So, we started talking about marriage & kids, & I stated that I really want those things. He in turn said that he didn't think that they were something that I really wanted, & that most women who really want them, say so... repeatedly.

So, there's my dilemma... that the man that I love, & knows me better than anyone else (except my parents, of course... then again!), didn't think that I was a woman that really wanted the "American dream." But, maybe the fact that he knows me so well is the problem. So, must I become one of those nagging, pleading, demanding women, all for the sake of love & to get what I really want?? Is there a balance, or am I forever type casted as the woman that doesn't need a man; an independent woman? & must I make him "unknow" (I know that's not a word) me to believe that I'm just like any other woman vying for a chance @ love & to build a family? I suppose that I assumed that his knowledge of who I was, & the relationship that we've built, would be enough. But, I suppose it does make it difficult to plan a future w/ someone that's extremely lackadaisical! (I hate that word btw, no idea why I decided to use it!)

Back in Love... Again

2009-05-07T08:14:00.000-05:00

Makes me think of Maze's song...

So, I was pretty bitter my last time here, & I'm not even sure why, but I'm sure I know who's to blame! Yea, I'm in love... have been for a while. & the sailing has been pretty smooth lately. O, but don't I know that when it's bad, it's really bad. So, I'm fully enjoying it while it lasts. I wish I had more of these times when I could sit back & feel & enjoy the beauty of love. It's good to feel loved, & to have that feeling for someone. But, those are the exact things that make the bad times so wretched.

I wish I had more to say, but my inner writer has been blocked for a while now. But, o well... today, I love love.

Grrrrrr!

2009-04-12T21:27:00.003-05:00

I think I've used this title before, but o well... I guess I'm feeling that way again.

I am angry. I am hating love. I am completely upset & disgusted w/ love. It's not beautiful. It's not anything that resembles positive thoughts. It's horrible. & when I feel this way, is when I truly believe & feel comfy w/ the fact that I will be single for the rest of my life.

Sorry to be negative... not really, but I don't believe that there is this 1 right person for you, or as so many like to call "the one." Doesn't exist in my world. I believe that there is 1, maybe 2, in your lifetime that you wil deem as a person that you will sacrifice for; sacrifice everything that you believe in, but is this person always right for you... hardly. is this the one that you will spend most of your life trying to find... of course.

I had a lot to say... most of it probably not good. But, love... what does it really mean??? Not a got-damn thing. & I'm starting to believe that my life's purpose is not to find, but just give it when I can... so, F falling in love w/ a big ass capital letter!

Is it just me???

2009-04-07T20:20:00.001-05:00

Wow, it's been a while... hadn't had much to say & not sure I do now!

Current events have taken hold of my attention & further solidified my completely unorthodox way of thinking... some call it warped.

So, gay marriage is now legal in Iowa, Massachusetts, and Vermont... 3 states that seem so conservative & all-American that it's completely hilarious that they got it right & ultra-liberal Cali, couldn't step up to the plate. & I'm led to believe that I just don't know where I belong. I've lost connection w/ the church again, & it seems like I find new reasons to stay away each day... that sounds really bad, huh?? But, seriously, I have a major problem w/ the church's opposition to gay people, & here are my primary reasons:

1. Gay people are PEOPLE, so they should be treated as such.
2. Black people (the most notorious homo-phobes) have forgotten what it's like to be hated for superficial reasons; I believe that hating/disowning someone for what they've chosen to do w/ their life is just as superficial, ignorant, and immature as hating/disowning someone for the color of their skin.
3. Would someone please be progressive?? The church has held on to century old traditions that, to are a large extent, are completely out of touch w/ today's world... yea, yea, yea... Christians are not of the world. BUT, how can you relate or convert the world if you won't get off of your pearly-white horse to get to know them & understand why they're in the position that they're in, or made the decisions that they've made... isn't that what sinners are; bad decision makers (whole other subject!)
4. Christians, the ones that @ least try to be open, accept prostitutes, liars, adulterers, thieves, murderers, etc... why not gay people?? Why associate the person w/ the sin that they've chosen to commit?? Aren't we all sinners, & haven't we all been in church on Sunday after having raised hell on some day/days throughout the rest of the week, @ some point in our lives??
5. How can you pass judgement on someone that you don't know?? You don't know what brought that person to that decision; maybe they were molested, abused, outcast, etc. Maybe they have a hormonal imbalance or a brain defect; there is some research that proves such instances (the same is also true for some serial killers). & if they've chosen it b/c it's popular... we've all gone astray...

Huh, I could go on & on... but, I won't!

Btw, were all my reasons the same?? Maybe... maybe it just shows that there aren't enough reasons to hate/condemn someone.

Kooties

2009-03-14T10:46:00.000-05:00

I officially have kooties; the weather has been absolutely dreadful this week. & I now officially hate cold weather... that's why I moved to Houston in the 1st place, damnit!

Optimism???

2009-03-03T18:55:00.000-06:00

Is an extremely funny thing. I guess I should try it sometimes, but I can't help but find the irony in it... like how people use it to actually cover up their insecurities about a situation instead of just admitting that they fucked up & that they're just taking the necessary steps to get themselves out of the b/s... & then, people also use it as a defense mechanism in order to defer people from questioning them about a bad decision, or a decision that clearly makes no damn sense... you'll ask them, "so, what's the plan?" & they'll respond w/ "well, this is what's happening, but I'm believing that good will come from this."

But, then again, someone could say the same things about skepticism or cynicism. However, I'd rather walk in my cynistic (I made this word up!), morbid ways & look @ shit for what it really is... b/c sometimes fuck ups are exactly that... nothing more, nothing less.

I guess we all have to decide which is most comfortable for us... but, who really wants flowers covered in shit??? I'm so silly :)

Daily Horoscope

2009-02-26T08:17:00.000-06:00

Feeling a bit lucky today...

This is a terrific day for you, dear Aquarius, and you will find that there is a great deal of power at your disposal. This is a day of new beginnings. You have the opportunity now to start over and create a solid emotional base from which to work. Rid yourself of negative feelings and self-doubt. Use this day as an opportunity to strike out on new ground and achieve whatever you set your heart on.

Daily Horoscope

2009-02-25T08:29:00.000-06:00

Too close for comfort...

You may need to slow down your pace a bit after the hectic pace of the last couple of days, dear Aquarius. With matters especially having to do with the heart, it is essential that you take a more reserved and sensitive approach. Try to ground and center yourself. Instead of thinking about conquering someone, try simply sitting back and receiving their appreciation and affection.

Daily Horoscope

2009-02-23T08:19:00.001-06:00

I always feel this way...

You probably aren't going to feel very social today, dear Aquarius. In fact, you're likely to want to work on projects and tasks alone if you can. This actually might be good for you, as you probably need to concentrate on crossing certain things off your list without being distracted. Still, you should get out among others at some point during the day. You might want to be alone, but you'll still need to feel that you belong.

Daily Horoscope

2009-02-19T08:37:00.000-06:00

Noooooooo, not this again...

Today much of your mental energy, and possibly your physical energy, is likely to be directed toward career matters. You might find yourself re-evaluating your goals and ambitions, dear Aquarius, and possibly considering other possibilities. The desire for additional income might be the catalyst that gets you going, but there's more to it than that. This is definitely a good day to give thought to a number of options. By this time next week, you might have actually made a few decisions.

It's Morning Time

2009-02-18T17:36:00.000-06:00

I wish I had about 2 or 3 extra hours in the day; preferably in the morning... My brain has been overloaded this week w/ my need to start back exercising. But, by the time I get off of work, all I can imagine is grabbing something to eat so I can go home & decompress, & ultimately go to bed.

Maybe, I need to start pushing myself in the evenings... there are so many things that I would like to add to my evening agenda like exercising & studying... 2 things that are actually good for me, but now that busy season has reared its ugly head, my main goal is to have as much energy as possible just so I can get thru the 9-11 hour work day.

What is a girl to do?

Daily Horoscope

2009-02-18T08:10:00.000-06:00

Hope this really helps me today...

An increased psychological awareness and heightened intuition could have you tuning in to the thoughts and feelings of family members before they even know what they want, dear Aquarius. You might even be able to pick up on the thoughts of strangers. This is definitely the day to trust your inner voice, especially when it comes to making plans with others. They might not be too communicative while this atmosphere lasts, and may be less inclined than usual to say what they want.

Mr. Telephone Man

2009-02-17T17:15:00.000-06:00

So, my phone has not rang in the past 2 days... weird, but not a bad thing. I think it just means that I need this time to myself. Or, maybe I just need some new friends :)

Daily Horoscope

2009-02-17T08:38:00.000-06:00

Very iresing...

When you feel that your friends are trying to change your every day life, you shouldn't try to resist it so stubbornly, dear Aquarius. Open up your heart and allow yourself to be led - you will be surprised at the feeling of freedom this brings. You will probably have interesting encounters today that might change your life completely. Get ready for a really exciting day.

Daily Horoscope

2009-02-16T12:34:00.000-06:00

I love, love, love this one...

As the dawn of another quiet and peaceful day appears, dear Aquarius, you will be in the best disposition to observe and appreciate the lightness of things. Life can seem so beautiful some days. You will benefit from this state of mind, as you'll be able to meditate. But be careful not to start reminiscing about sad memories.

Table for 1... Please.

2009-02-16T07:55:00.000-06:00

Singlehood... it's something that, to most women, is as dreadful as weight gain. But, based on conversations I've had recently, I'm officially going to begin my singlehood celebration in year 27.

Daily Horoscope

2009-02-13T08:48:00.000-06:00

I think I feel like this everyday...

Today, dear Aquarius, you will be submerged by a lot of emotions. In a way, you will be visiting your childhood, and you will be very edgy! You will be in the best disposition to analyze your life. You will be able to see if everything around you is where you think it belongs. Try to make the most out of this frame of mind.

Random pick-ups

2009-02-12T10:10:00.000-06:00

Yea, there's no room in '09 for these...

You know the ones... where the guy has only laid eyes on you for like 5 minutes, yet he just knows that he needs your #. He approaches you & can't even introduce himself b/c he's in such a rush to get to where he's probably supposed to be... probably w/ his boo; & he drops a halfway charming line, just enough to peek your interest. He calls maybe a day or two later & his 1st date suggestion is watching a movie @ your crib...

But, watch out b/c these guys often disguise themselves as legit suitors... they take you out to dinner once or twice before trying to parlay @ your crib, or asking you to do the same @ theirs...

Nope... I don't need a free meal that bad; keep it moving, homie. & I damn sure don't wanna sit in the house & watch a movie... I can do that alone!

Girls...

2009-02-09T14:31:00.000-06:00

So, I've often spoken about the girl in my head... quite honestly, I think there are about 3 of them! The 1st two that I've written about are needy, fearful, & very brash. They want to be in love but their impatience causes them to choose the wrong men. They use detachment as their defense mechanisms... they differ in the fact that #1 tries not to care, but is extremely sensitive, & #2 is the meanest bitch you will ever find in a 5' body, so she really doesn't care. Her pure evil nature will be the death of me or someone else!

Now, #3... the one that is fighting to emerge from the other two, is completely outgoing & optimistic. She doesn't have time to worry or regret b/c she's too busy leading the life that she wants to lead. She's involved in all kinds of extracurriculars, & has a genuine love & thirst for life & all things new.

So, my habitual lethargic nature has been constantly interrupted today by images of all these damn activities that this girl wants to do! & I'm like, "man, that would be fun." I'm envying her life, & she's really me; a part of me... so, I believe she is the one that will rule my '09, b/c I'm tired of those other 2 sad, lonely, mean-spirited bitches!

Lethargic

2009-02-09T13:58:00.001-06:00

Sometimes, I believe I'm too lazy for my own good. I'm always thinking, "crap, I have no life." & the minute I go out & get one, I wanna run & hide.

Somehow, my schedule for the week is pretty hectic. I almost believe I have a long-lost twin that's getting me involved in all this crap; & while it's good crap, I can think of nothing better than just going home & enjoying my dear, sweet bum status.

But, I can't do that; b/c it's almost as exhausting as actually having a life. I'm thinking it's just b/c I'm tired as usual, due to lack of sleep. I'm hoping that this energy-stealing critter leaves me soon, so that I can live up to my '09 agenda.

Work-life Balance?

2009-02-05T18:00:00.000-06:00

Today was a little rough… I made a mistake on one of my work-papers, & while I’ve seen so many of my other co-workers make mistakes, for me, I feel like it’s different. I always feel like people are judging me because I don’t have the recommended education. I’m sure it could be my own insecurity that’s causing me to think this way; however, I try to stay as humble as possible.

& I find myself wanting to revert back to the fact that I don’t like or care about this gig, but that’s really just a cop out; an escape. Because, truth is, I haven’t found another career that would suite both my financial & personality-related aspirations. So, I can no longer use that excuse.

But, my primary thought is that when I have children, my primary focus will be to teach them the importance of, & how to build a life for themselves. I think it’s frightening that so many people grow up not knowing what their most important purpose is… we spend so much time trying to be happy, but life isn’t about happiness, it’s about doing what’s necessary.

We also spend so much time trying to discover greater meanings to everyday activities, & our experiences. But, I believe if we exerted more energy in getting the simple things right, we would experience more success with the complex things. But, how do you make someone understand this? How do you explain to a young person that simple acts of discipline like reading, studying, or praying will benefit them for the rest of their lives? & not just because they are good things to do, but because the very act of doing them consistently will instill in them an innate skill that will benefit them in everything that they will ever do. How do you warn someone of this before they are even able to fully understand it?

Because now, as I reach year 27, I’m discovering that most of the things that I’ve held true in my life are complete bullshit. I also realize how much better off I would’ve been if my father had a more significant presence in my life as I was growing up.

Daily Horoscope

2009-02-05T08:54:00.000-06:00

I wanna make this happen...

Today you could be feeling especially intuitive, dear Aquarius, and more sensitive than usual to unacceptable social and political conditions. Ideas for new goals, perhaps humanitarian in nature, might come to you. You should be in an especially idealistic mood, so you just might come up with some wonderful possibilities that might not be workable at this time. Write your ideas down, then consult with someone else who shares your interests. Then decide how to proceed.

Get In My Belleeeeeeee

2009-02-04T16:17:00.001-06:00

This is how I feel right now...

Loss = Change

2009-02-03T22:00:00.000-06:00

So, I'm feeling rather prolific tonight. As I was getting ready to shower, I had a somewhat epiphanic moment in which I realized that this month... this year, could possibly be one of the hardest of my life. W/ the year already starting w/ a major car repair & home invasion, I'm feeling like things could possibly get worse. & while I know that may be attributed to my habitual negative thinking, I feel like I should brace myself just in case.

Fortunately, my epiphanic moment was not followed by fear, but interest. Specifically b/c, as the title states, "loss = change." I've already made all kinds of promises to myself that I will not be the same in year 27 & thereafter, so I believe in order for this to occur, a lot of things have to change. I'm not totally sure what those things will be, but I'm prepared to believe that they could include anything, including my job.

So, if losing my job, some of my possessions, some of my personality traits, & some of my friends will get me to the person that I'm supposed to be, then I can honestly say that I've never been more ready to let any of those things go.

I'd like to go on & on about how this has nothing to do w/ any sort of spiritual connection, but maybe it does. & while I know I should probably give God all the credit for this moment, I'd like to believe that it's a natural progression of life. God is life & vice versa. & I'd like to believe that I blame neither of them for anything that occurs in particular, esp. bad things; however, as they are intertwined, I believe at some point your growth in them inspires change.

Perhaps I'll pick up that subject on another post... I'd hate to make this any longer than it has to be. The point is that I'm ready to lose.

Year 27

2009-02-03T09:40:00.000-06:00

So, year 27 is fast approaching, & I'm scrambling to get sh*t done that I said I wanted to do, not by 27, but just in general. But, here is what I've learned about myself so far, & these are probably some of the things that have hindered me from accomplishing what I'd love to accomplish:

1. I'm an habitual negative thinker... the glass is always half-empty for me, so if it happens to be filled @ some point, it's a pleasant surprise.
2. I'm a constant dreamer/thinker... there is a whole other world inside my head that somehow fails to manifest into real life.
3. I'm not easily motivated... inspirational messages or words only last as long as it takes for someone to speak them or for me to read them; that's probably b/c of #1.
4. I don't have any set goals or desires... everything is relative, & nothing is ever important enough to me to truly commit to; goes back to #3.
5. I'm easily distracted b/c of #2 - 4.
6. I'm not as detail oriented as I once believed; most things fly right over my head, esp. if I don't care about what they relate to.
7. I'm lazier than I thought, & it's b/c of the aforementioned issues.

I reserve the right to update this list @ any time.

So, my goal in year 27 is to abolish this list.

Friendship

2009-01-23T20:03:00.000-06:00

I had this deep & meaningful bit to write about how friendship is so important to me when trying to begin a romantic relationship... it really is, but I forgot every last one of the words of that deep & meaningful message. But, I wanted to occupy my space w/ this thought, so there... maybe the words will come back to me later...

Aqua Child

2009-01-21T15:26:00.000-06:00

I just love, love, love reading my profile... kind of full of myself, huh?! Here's some bits & pieces...

Your Moon is in Cancer

On the day you were born, the Moon was in Cancer. Emotionally, you act as a watery sponge who picks up on the vibrations of everyone you come in contact with, both positively and negatively. You can feel the effects of the aura of any place you work, house you live in, or location you go to visit. It is also true that you are a moody person, since your emotional nature ebbs and flows like the Moon-ruled ocean tides.

courtesy of http://www.aquarius-profile.com/:
These people are never money orientated, but they do know how to earn it. You will often find that many Aquarius people have slaved away at a university and earned their degrees only to wind up doing voluntary work in a place no one has ever heard of! The Aquarius often takes on degrees and other such tasks simply to prove that he/she is capable of it. And that is all. They are highly efficient people, if they chose to be.

The Aquarius is just as zany in love as he/she is in any other aspect of his/her life. These people need to be with a person who understands them and boy do they take some understanding. If you enjoy gushing romance, hearts and flowers I suggest that you walk right past the Aquarius. Don’t get me wrong, if an Aquarius loves you then you are very lucky indeed as they don’t give their hearts to just anyone. And even less do they open up to anyone. Very few people know the inside workings of an Aquarius.
Every second with an Aquarius is like living on a different planet and this can be wonderful depending on how you feel about other life forms! I must mention their loyalty. If they have given you their heart then it belongs to you. They will look after you and love you; they will never cheat on you or hurt you. Even when they seem to have lost interest, they haven’t; they are just visiting their home planet somewhere in outer space…they will always come back to where their heart is.

courtesy of http://astrocenter.atrology.msn.com/:

Aquarians present themselves in one of two ways. One on hand, you'll see someone who is shy and quiet. On the other, an Aquarius can be boisterous, eccentric, and energetic. Both are deep thinkers with a love of helping others. Highly intellectual, this is a fiercely independent sign that prizes intuition tempered with logic. Both personality types have an uncanny ability to see both sides of an argument without prejudice, making them excellent problem solvers. While very much attuned to the energies around them, Aquarians have a deep need to take time out alone and away to rejuvenate themselves. The keyword for this sign is imagination. The Aquarian can see a world of possibilities even when there appears to be none.

Friends & Family
Even though Aquarians are great with groups of people, it takes a bit when it comes to making close friends. Deeply sensitive and cautious, closeness means vulnerability to an Aquarius, and this is not something to be taken lightly. Aquarians' direct, no-nonsense approach in combination with their strong values can make it challenging to get to know the inner person. Yet those who are able to do so will discover a friendship that lasts through the years. An Aquarius will go the distance for a loved one to the point of self-sacrifice if necessary. They look for creativity, intellect, and honesty in their friends. When it comes to family, the expectations are no less. Although dedicated to a sense of duty to relatives, the Aquarius isn't one for developing close bonds unless the same qualities they expect in their friendships are there.

Career & Money
Aquarians bring enthusiasm to the work they do, especially when it involves expression. They have an exceptionally high ability to put their imaginative qualities to the task and to think outside the box. Careers that allow for concept development or demonstration can suit this sign well. I know is the key phrase for the Aquarius. High intellect combined with an Aquarius' willingness to share their talents inspires many who work in the same environment. Being visionary types, Aquarians love to engage in careers that aim to benefit humankind in the long-run. When it comes to money, this sign really has a knack for keeping a healthy balance between having the things that they need and putting money away. When they are out shopping, the shiny, glittery, and extravagant will catch their attention even though their homes are generally decorated with great taste. It's not uncommon to find the Aquarius turning heads dressed in daring, brightly colored outfits. Most are well-attuned to their individual sense of style and aren't afraid to show it. Careers that suit the Aquarius are acting, writing, teaching, photography, or piloting. The best environment is one that gives the freedom to tackle the task without a lot of strict guidelines. The Aquarius is unconventional, and given the opportunity to show their true talents, they can perform amazing feats.

Love and Sex
Intellectual stimulation is by far the greatest aphrodisiac for the Aquarian. There's nothing like a lively chat rich in culture and future possibilities to get this sign going. When it comes to love, people best suited are those that are not thrown off by Aquarian frankness. Open, communicative, imaginative, and willing to risk are all qualities that blend well with this sign's perspective on life. Honesty and sincerity are essential for anyone seeking a long-term connection to this dynamic personality.

Cute Girl

2009-01-19T20:19:00.000-06:00

It's fun to be the cute girl w/ the cute hair, cute outfit, cute purse, cute car... cute, cute, cute... But, what does it costs besides the obvious purchase price? I mean, what does it cost your future... putting your current desires ahead of what is so much better in your future.

Walking around w/ the latest Louis, while barely able to maintain $20 in your bank account.

What does it cost to attend this event or that one w/ your friends... chillin' in NYC when you're $5K in debt.

I'm not one to judge, b/c I've lived this life for as long as I can remember... so much so, that I've never been able to see my future for trying to escape my past by satisfying my present. & I just wonder how many of us are living this life? How many of us really know how to live life the right way; being patient, & taking the necessary steps to reap the tremendous rewards that await us.

As I dig deeper into '09 & my 20's, I vow to dig deeper into myself, so that those desires of my past are not the desires of my future... so that my "cute girl" image has more weight than just materialistic possessions.

Sour Apples

2009-01-18T08:49:00.000-06:00

No matter what does or doesn't happen in my life, I never want to be bitter. I never want to blame anyone for anything that has occurred in my life. It's human nature to want to point the finger @ someone or something when things don't happen as we want them to, but the fact of the matter is that, we have control over our lives. So, if we don't like something, we have the power to change it; & that power is more powerful than any amount of money.

So, there will be no sour apples in my way.

In my head...

2009-01-17T21:03:00.000-06:00

Idiot Box

2009-01-16T09:34:00.000-06:00

Watching television has to be one of the most confusing activities I can think of.... I don't do it often, but last night, I found myself caught up in ABC's Thursday night medical line-up, Scrubs, Grey's Anatomy, & Private Practice. & the common theme in each show... broken people trying to find healthy relationships. I found myself wishing I were a doctor, wondering what my life would be like if I were, & fully relating to the broken characters... getting caught up in the fantasy; somehow allowing their situations to persuade me to believe that this brokenness was ok, though I don't believe it is. True, the situations were as realistic as possible; however, what isn't shown is the agony in between the epiphanies & happy-endings... leaving viewers to travel into a place of denial where they believe this agony won't exist, but it definitely does.

Maybe that's why the old-timers called it the idiot box...

Daisies

2009-01-15T11:34:00.000-06:00

Idk why, but daisies popped in my head when I looked @ this here space. I guess I need to spruce it up a bit. So, here goes...

No Dose

2009-01-14T09:59:00.000-06:00

So, I don't sleep; hardly ever, & there's really no reasonable explanation other than maybe my piss-poor diet. & for the life of me, I wish I could eat better, but the fact is, I hate eating; not in a bulimic way, but in a "food just isn't enjoyable for me" way. Like, I truly wish we lived like the Jetsons where we just ate pills for bl&d... it would kill all the rigmarole that I dread.

& I feel like absolute death today; like someone took an ultraviolet light & shined it in my eyes for like days, sucking all the moisture & life out of them.

& the sad part... I'm too tired to even appreciate sleep right now; like I'm too tired to even want to go to sleep.

Bright Side, Right Side

2009-01-12T10:31:00.001-06:00

So... in all of my monotony & complaining, I forgot to disclose that I got a promotion... woohoo!! It would feel much better if I knew that I was one of those people that really fought for it... but, I didn't. But, it's still cool. My goal is to become one of those people; one of those people that don't settle for mediocrity & that gives 100% all of the time.

So, here's to my transition onto the right side.