Open, open, open, open...

Dare I say it... I used to be closed-minded... gasp, sigh... yes, I know. I can't believe it, either. I'd completely forgotten about this unspeakable behavior until a conversation that I had yesterday w/ a couple people regarding interracial dating... Ironically, I've always been open to dating outside of my race, though, I prefer brown skin & have always said that I would never marry someone outside my race... YET, I have ridiculed my male counterparts for dating outside our race... sigh... yes, it's true... I used to be one of the evil, angry black women that said that black men had sold out if they chose a white woman. So, I am here today to repent for my ignorant sins.

Truth is... no one knows the circumstances that surround a person's decision in choosing to date outside his race... could it be, that he is as open-minded as I claim to be. I believe this to be the case now, more than ever... but, I can honestly say that to a large extent, I wouldn't be mad @ a black man for making this choice for certain malicious, vindictive reasons... of which, I will list, below:

1. Black women have bad attitudes & are unbearable to tolerate...

Now, before you assume that I'm all about bashing black women, remember that I am one & that I love being one; however, there are some undeniable flaws in our ability function in & sustain healthy relationships. Most often, I've heard, & most times sided w/, the argument that black women have endured a slew of distress that has caused our aggressive & combative nature. & while this is somewhat true, this does not excuse ANY of our behavior... whatever distress we've experienced, shouldn't give us the audacity to believe that we won't be held accountable for our actions. Our experience w/ heartache, suffering, & distress is no different than a difficult life that's experienced by any other person in this world... we all have the right to be angry & grieve over pain that we've experienced; however, we all have the responsibility to seek out the source of that pain, & the method/actions necessary for eliminating & overcoming that pain. A person that moves thru life reacting to every situation based on past experiences, failures, & pain, is as ignorant as a person that doesn't want to pursue an education.

2. Black women don't know how to care for black men...

Ironically, this statement probably wasn't true until the 70's or 80's... but, most likely the 70's (I think)... which is the time when black women began to stand side-by-side w/ black men in militant & civil-rights organizations like Black Panthers & NAACP. Prior to that, we were as dedicated to motherhood & "wifely duties" as our white counterparts. But, the 60's came & went, & had opened up doors for the race as a whole. Black women began stepping out of the kitchen to earn their own income. & as previously mentioned, we began standing by our male leaders... speaking up & taking new leadership roles... w/ this progress, began the struggle to be identified as an equal, not just a "help-mate." Sure, our white counterparts were also fighting to be equal, & who knows how many families that fight divided... but, in the black community, this divide, unfortunately, became a mainstay... & so, the single-mom was birthed... During the 70's, thousands of black women began the journey of guiding & teaching black children... trying to teach a young girl how to be a respectable woman as well as trying to teach a young boy how to be a respectable man... all the while, trying to maintain a respectable income & household... all alone. Prior to the 70's, this was more the exception than the norm, & most of the exceptions were due to widows. Perhaps, the increase single-mothers during the 70's was a direct correlation to an increase in the divorce rate... I'm not sure, but, unfortunately now, divorce is a minute fraction in the causes of single-mother parenting. In the past 20-30 years, having children out of wedlock has become the standard for most black couples.

Well... that's all background information... that's not even my main point... the black woman's ability to care for a black man, or any man for that matter, was lost when the black family began to disintegrate... how can a woman learn how to care for a man, if there isn't one around? & this unfortunate circumstance had a direct impact on the children... the young girls & boys that spent their childhood in this environment. The children that were products of this environment grew up, & guess what, they didn't know how to care for or communicate w/ one another b/c there was no positive example of this within their household as children. This has become a constant cause of frustration in the black community, & has developed into decades of pain & resentment between the genders, caused by the inability to effectively communicate.

3. Black women have a looooooong list of demands...

I find it completely hilarious, & sometimes frustrating, that Hollywood consistently portrays black women as these closed-off, dissatisfied, demanding, super-divas... but, you know what... Hollywood has a damn good point... this couldn't have been portrayed more clearly than on the recent dating show which starred Chili from TLC... (as I type this, I'm hit w/ the revelation that her actions were probably solely for the camera... BUT, they could still be true... anywho...) Chili had the most unrealistic, annoying "list" that I'd ever witnessed in my entire existence. & to be honest, I just realized that I have actually encountered women w/ these dreadful "lists." un-freaking-believable... how the hell do you function w/ a "list" (I totally imagine saying that word w/ disdain on my face that can only be rivaled w/ eating a spoiled, sour apple)... I mean, do you go on each date w/ a "list" of questions, & check each one off as the candidate answers... & do you dismiss a candidate b/c you didn't like his watch... cause clearly it was on your list that you had to like his watch... I mean, WTF?! How in the hell do you expect to build a connection w/ a person when all you can concentrate on is the fcuking "list" of demands running thru your head??? (throwing my hands up in the air in complete despair) I just don't get it. Don't get me wrong, I definitely have preferences, but am I going to dismiss someone b/c they don't fully match my "list?" & I'm sorry, my memory is terrible, so I would either forget to carry my "list" w/ me, or I would completely forget what the hell I included on the damn thing... *huffing & puffing*... that's just STUPID!

& I'm going to let you in on a little secret, ladies... usually, the woman that has the damn "list" is the one that has ALL the demands w/ no intention of reciprocating... who the hell wants to be w/ someone like that!?

Sure, we're supposed to be treating like queens, but shit... y'all want the royal treatment & then treat the dude like an UN-royal subject... & SURPRISE, ladies... you're outnumbered... so, you can walk around like yo' shit don't stank if you want to... you can walk around thinking that you are just too royal to be passed up by anyone... & I guarantee that you will continuously watch those potential kings pass you by... looks only last so long... attraction only last so long...

Oooooo, but don't think I've forgotten the flip-side of the list-toting interviewer... we also have the list-toting advertiser... AH YES!... these are the black women that walk around w/ their "list" of attributes... I'm a good woman b/c... 1. I'm intelligent, 2. I can cook... blah, blah, blah... These women wave their "good woman" status around like a fcuking get-out-of-jail free card... holding it over every suitor's head as if to say, "you'll never find another like me!" UMMMMM, boo, yes he will... while the market is flooded w/ skanks, hood-rats, & video hoes alike, there is also an army of educated, independent, soul-food cooking women that are ready & willing to "cater" to a man, or @ least show him the "list." But, a good woman/candidate doesn't have to advertise her "good" qualities b/c she allows her actions to speak louder than her words... & btw, the only thing that separates you from another "good woman" is timing & chemistry... so, while your peach cobbler may be the best in Mayberry, he will gladly choose the candidate that hasn't cooked a cobbler a day in her life, but is willing, b/c he enjoys her "conversation."

4. Black women are too... RELIGIOUS...

I must admit, this is an EKM original... I had to include it for shock-value & good ol' comedic flare! Please don't think that I'm the 2nd coming of Satan, ladies... of course, I love God & have a personal relationship w/ them... however, I must admit that I have to laugh every time I see these bible-toting, Christian women try their hand @ having a dating/social life. These are the women w/ a clear "list" of what they don't do... 1. I don't drink, 2. I don't want to go here or there b/c the devil is there, 3. I don't kiss until the 8.5th date b/c God told me not to... Extreme??? I don't think so... These people exist. No one is asking you to sell your soul to the devil in order to have a relationship w/ a man, but I strongly doubt that the most God-fearing man would want such an uptight & restricted woman... there's a difference in representing yourself as a God-fearing, respectable woman, & the bible-toting, door-to-door knocking, missionary that is often replicated in such movies as the Friday series. If you really trust in God, you don't have to shout out His name every time you're faced w/ an uncomfortable situation... how about being confident in your faith enough to not use it to call every activity "evil" or "un-Godly." I can't stress enough, how annoyed I am w/ people that are always putting God's name on everything... 1. God told me that I should go to the store, 2. God told me that he's the one... no, he's the one... no, he's the one... There is only ONE ONE... every man can't be "The One." You're so busy putting God's name on everything that you probably DON'T hear him when He's really trying to speak to you... hell, He's probably trying to tell you to lighten up & have some fun.

So, there... here's my list of reasons why black men choose to go to the other side... & the moral of the story is: a little open-mindedness never hurt any body...

Darkness...

You'd assume from the title that I'm in some sort of turmoil... that my day has been terrible, or that I'm in a dark place... I'm not... but, someone very dear to me is... & though I don't fully feel or understand the depths of his situation, a part of me can still feel his pain & see him hurting... you know that saying, "my heart goes out..." Well, my heart is going out to this person... my heart is w/ this person b/c he stole it! Seems like the more complicated a relationship is, the more difficult it is to remove it from your life... your emotions are wrapped up in a web that you'll never be able to understand, but you know that what you feel is real.

Well, I don't want to delve too deeply into emotions or detail today b/c I've actually had a damn good day, & though I care deeply for this person, I've shed one too many tears in his honor... but, my heart is still w/ him. & I pray that he will find his way soon... perhaps, I'll still be waiting @ the end of the trail.

I now pronounce you...

So, I saw it coming, but then again, I tried to be optimistic, BUT... the time has come... I am now the last of the bunch... the lone ranger... I am the only remaining single woman of my group of friends... sigh... I've approached this time w/ mixed feelings. To be honest, being single has been more of a subconscious CHOICE for me. I've chosen to spend time w/ some "bad apples" b/c I've never approached single hood nor holy matrimony w/ any specific intent. Everything has been pretty haphazard & w/o real consideration. So, as I've probably stated on this space in the past, I'm not particularly mad about being single to this point, b/c I know that it's been mostly of my own doing. & until a couple years ago, I had no desire to unite w/ any of the "bad apples," or anyone else, for that matter. So now, the desire to be united w/ someone has become a conscious desire for me, yet, I still have mixed feelings...

My sole intent for marriage is children... for whatever reason, it's become a firm requirement that I become married before I even consider giving birth... maybe, it's b/c I've held on to my record of surviving 28 years w/o a single pregnancy/abortion on my record... I'm very proud of that... but, that's not a testament to my discipline... it's been achieved thru sheer luck/blessing; which ever you prefer. YET, I think it would be so "me" to give birth out of wedlock... why, you might ask... b/c I'm not totally sold on marriage... as much as I desire it, it honestly doesn't fit my personality type... I'm a loner... a distant soul, by nature... I love from a distance. & while I have shown signs of being delivered from this debilitating flaw, I've also clung to it throughout my life. So, what success would such a detached person have in marriage... I'm not sure... maybe, I should consult one on this issue.


Not to mention, the idea of a "life partner" has always been intriguing to me. That title affords a person all the benefits of a committed, long-lasting relationship w/o all the political/societal stereotypes & requirements. I will never lie & say that I want to be alone/single for my entire life... @ the end of the day, I'm a hopeless romantic, so I most certainly want to share my life w/ someone... I want security in knowing that I share an unwavering commitment w/ someone. So, here's where I begin to play devil's advocate... does marriage truly provide the security that I, & so many others, seek? My cynic nature tells me that it doesn't. Quite honestly, I believe that marriage is one of the most elusive aspects of life... marriage has become an institution in which so many have chosen to hide behind. Marriage has become the ultimate cover-up. Don't get me wrong, I don't have negative opinions about marriage, just realistic ones. & I love seeing genuinely happy couples... it's the cutest thing.


So, realistically, I believe that too many people get married too soon & for the wrong reasons... too many people marry during the "puppy-love" state... when everything is ooooo & starry-eyed. & while that is definitely the best time of a relationship, it is not the best time to make a serious decision such as marriage... b/c when the oooooo's & starry-eyes disappear, reality sets in... & it's not always pretty. & this is where my argument that marriage is the ultimate illusion is birthed...

Besides having a successful career & all the things that it affords a person, marriage is probably the only other tangible thing that most people associate w/ success & happiness. For single-women, it's a coveted title. Thousands of women rush to the alter each year, w/ the full knowledge that their relationship is in shambles... but, oh how sweet it is to have the ring, the dress, & the title. There are thousands of women marrying men that they barely know, each year; whether it's a result of internet dating, or just good old-fashioned desperation. Ironically, you have the anti-desperatist (an EKM original!) whose sole purpose is to show how UN-desperate she is, so she spends her entire life in single hood... believing that she should be rewarded for her independence & high-standards... YET, she's completely miserable... but, that's another topic for another post. (& I REFUSE to be this woman)

So, we have all these women, rushing to the alter in the attempt to banish the cursed "single-woman" status... in this regard, this gives men total control... not to mention, this shows their maturity in having the ability to make an unemotional, mature decision... some of them (maybe, the majority), @ least. Because, why is it ok for a man to wait 'til his early to mid-30's to become married, but, when a woman does this, it's b/c she's almost expiring or tainted... SHE is the lucky one b/c someone FINALLY chose her... totally a double-standard... But, to be honest, while women do mature faster than men, this may be the one area in which they don't... so, maybe they need the time more than men do, but, men actually exercise the right to use it. Women are usually so in love w/ love that they will stick w/ it @ all costs... & while that could be recognized as unconditional love or an unwavering commitment to a person, sometimes it's just downright useless & unhealthy. & the stigma of being the last to get married has encouraged a rat race among women that's caused numerous forms of deception... putting holes in condoms is one example.


So, I've bashed women... but, men are to blame as well... the man that has the honest desire & maturity to make a lifetime commitment to a woman, should be commended... BUT, this commitment rarely last. & while most people will site infidelity as the most popular reason for divorce, it's connected to a larger issue, & that is communication. I don't know very many men that are notable communicators. Most men will say that women talk too much, but, most women will say that men don't talk enough. & while there is a misunderstanding between genders, each side is correct... to an extent. Women have to realize that EVERYTHING isn't up for discussion. Some things should just be released. However, men have to realize that there should be no secret between them & their partner that could potentially alter their lives together or separately... when a union is formed, men have the obligation to communicate their most important issues & concerns to their partner... no questions asked. BUT, this fails to happen way too often. When communication begins to fade & secrets are formed, is when unhappiness & mistrust surface. If a man can't completely share himself w/ his partner, then he shouldn't have chosen her in the 1st place. Undoubtedly, each person should maintain a form of the identity that he/she possessed prior to the union, but, once the union is formed, each person must know that EVERY decision that is made will affect the other person... will alter the union in some manner... this is where most men lack the necessary maturity needed for marriage. & this is why a lot of men don't get married... b/c they are unwilling to relinquish this freedom.

True, the issues that I've mentioned can happen under any union or circumstance; however, I believe that the inherent pressure to maintain the sanctity & laws of marriage can ultimately crack the foundation. You might say, "well... having a life partner ultimately gives the person the freedom or right to make a decision that won't directly affect the other person... it gives a person the freedom to conduct himself as he pleases." I believe this to be completely untrue. A verbal, written, or electronic commitment is what it is... a person's word... if a person fails to abide by or complete a contract or commitment, then he has failed to do what he said he was going to do... the only difference between a life-partner & a marriage partner is that marriage affords you the right to the other person's possessions when the commitment is broken... so, the real question is... do you really want a commitment or access to someone's possessions...

2010, I heart you :)

Sooooo, 2010 got off to a slow, annoying, & mundane start for me... I was confused as ever & totally dissatisfied w/ my life... I'd invested a lot of time & energy into things that I knew were pointless... BUT, I'm happy to report that I've finally come out of hibernation & am moving in the right direction. & for once, it feels like this year could be the best one in a really long time... not that my life has ever been bad or hard, but I've been living purposeless & uninspired for way, too long.

So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed... hoping that my efforts will no longer be in vain.

Sometimes...

I wish I could just fly away...

I wish I would've enrolled in a foreign exchange program when I was in college... my college Spanish teacher told us how he lived in Mexico for like 3 or 4 years & just immersed himself in the culture, & that's how he learned the language... I love stories like that!

Insanity

I get tired of hearing the definition of insanity... so many people have used it as their FB statuses... I think it annoys me b/c it's so simple, it's almost too simple... but, it is sooooooooooooooooo true... & I've discovered that I've driven myself insane w/ the same silly mistakes... I almost want to believe that I just have dumb luck... that maybe it isn't my fault... maybe, it's b/c of some unknown being or universe that has chosen me to torture... but, it's not... it's just me being dumb & unbelievably careless... my carelessness NEVER ceases to amaze me... it's amazing how many different areas of my life it affects... one of the most important areas is finances...

With that said, I've decided that I need to go on a spending freeze... SO, I'm pledging to not spend money on any items other than necessities, i.e., bills, food, & gas... & food is limited to cooked meals... I really need to understand where my money is going & how I can stop it from leaving my hands/bank accounts so quickly... SO, wish me luck... I'm sure it will be hard, but it MUST be done...

Hmmm... to make it even more interested, I think I may try a fast as well... going to have to find a good & reasonable one... fasting is so hard for me... not that I really enjoy eating, but fasting just makes it 20 times more difficult to make food choices...

The spend freeze will begin tomorrow... I may wait til Monday to begin the fast.

Motivational/Inspirational

I'm always so moved when I attend conferences, whether it be @ work or on my personal time... it's like a drug... it provides a temporary high. But, I normally tuck that high in my back pocket & forget all about it. I think I have a very compulsive personality... & as I left the conference that I attended today, I thought, "I should attend conferences like all the time!" Yea, right! Or, maybe that's the whole purpose of attending church regularly... hmm... that makes a lot of sense.

Anyway... I'm not sure where I want to go w/ my career, but what I do know is that I want to do something different... & I want to provide a service to people, but I'm not sure what that service is... I don't know... I'm thinking... (as the Jeopardy song plays in my head).

I wonder how long it's going to take me to figure it out... not that I'm on a time crunch, but I'm just curious... I'm curious about the next couple chapters in my little story (my life).

& maybe I should start doing that church thing more often!

No Child Left Behind

The idea of giving every child in this country a chance to earn an education is wonderful; however, unfortunately, the reality is that some children want to be left behind... not literally speaking, but figuratively... I'm only arguing this point to support things that I will discuss later in this post... but, anyway... many children & young adults are aware of the resources and opportunities available to them, but they're too damn lazy to tap into them... they don't want to put forth the effort to excel, to do what's necessary to create a stable & respectable life...

I say all this b/c I know from personal experience... as I've often spoken of, I've realized in recent years that I'm too damn lazy for my own good... my educational experience can be summed up in one phrase, "doing enough to get by." I was often an honor roll student, but I made a comfortable home in the "middle of the pack." I was comfortable w/ a 3.0 - 3.2 range of gpa's... achieving a 4.0 was just too much damn work... not really, but I just preferred to do other things than to spend an extra hour or 2 studying or whatever.

All of this lack of effort has finally come full circle & taken a ginormous bite out of my ass... of all the professions available to me, I would choose one that would require more technical & critical thinking skills than any one other than medicine, maybe... & I now realize that my half-hearted effort just isn't good enough to attain the recognition and financial security that this profession does actually offer... Yea, I'm working towards my CPA, but even that seems like a task that's more than I can chew... though, I'm praying that for once in my life, I can step up to the plate & complete & accomplish something that will benefit me far, far into the future.

Am I in love w/ this profession, of course not, but for an indecisive, aloof individual, as myself, it's the best decision that I've made in my life, thus far, b/c it has forced me to confront my laziness & complacent attitude.

To get right down to it... I'm faced w/ being left behind & unneeded, & it's not a good feeling... I've watched as several people that were hired w/ me, or after me, have been promoted, recognized, & consistently chosen. & the scary truth is that I have no other option @ this point... right now, I need this profession far more than it needs me. & I believe until I overcome the issues that have caused me to consistently underachieve, I'll never be able to accomplish & reach my true goals or passions.

As I've said, repeatedly, old habits die a really slooooow death... but, the first step in every road to recover is acceptance & admittance. But, no matter if it's in this profession or another, I am determined to overcome the things that I have continuously allowed to stunt my progression.

I'm sure I've said all these things before, @ some point in this space... but, writing is a subconscious reminder... I needed a reminder today.

It's that time, again...

Time to get my workout plan together... whether it's Kanye's plan or someone else's plan, I need a good one, ASAP! I had some other topic on the brain, but I'm too tired to remember right now... 3 miles of running took all the energy that I had... but, it felt so good; so glad that I went... Hoping that I can maintain a consistent routine thru the summer... it's not really about being a certain size or losing weight, but maintaining a healthy lifestyle... so many of the illnesses that we suffer from, are caused by lack of exercise & poor eating habits... & also, I still want to turn heads @ 40 & 50! But, it starts @ 20, or in my 20's... so, now! I've done decently, thus far. But, in the past couple months, my midsection has grown frightful... so, I want to take control before the situation becomes out of control... exercising, especially running, is also good meditation & relaxation for me... one of the few times that my brain is talking, excessively. I need to put forth more effort into making sure that I balance my life... & need to stop being so damn lazy, in general... I'm trying, I'm trying... but, old habits die soooooooooo slowly!

Rogue

I feel like I've had this topic before, & I probably have... I swear my brain is like a merry-go-round... & I'm not sure if it's due to my bad memory or just good ol' dejavu that causes me to often times be in situations or say things that have already happened or been said... anywho, someone asked one day, what superhero did I identify w/ or would I want to be... I chose Rogue from X-men b/c she's like a chameleon... she absorbs the powers of those that she comes into contact w/... I believe that this is a quality that I have; however, I'd like to develop it to be a lot more beneficial for me... I believe that I'm pretty good @ adapting to most situations & environments; however, what I don't do well is absorb the good qualities of those that surround me... I have so many examples of good & inspiring people around me... & I often times feel their energy; however, I hardly ever put the energy that I've absorbed to use. It's a blessing to be around such good company... as much as I know that I'm a loner, I also know that I starve w/o real, meaningful human interaction... I would never want to completely shield myself from the world... of course, a lot like Rogue, I do seclude myself @ times in order to revitalize or recharge my powers! & I'm more about quality than quantity, anyway... I don't like being surrounded by a lot of people just to feel important... I'd rather stick w/ 5 or 6 people that I know will enrich my life to the fullest. As I said in my previous post... I am such a dreamer... & I fear that I will never become the girl in my head b/c the girl that stands before me is too damn lazy! BUT, I'm taking baby steps... after all, how does that saying go about the one that wins the race... there goes that bad memory, again!

Hmmm...

So, I've been away... I don't have much to say but wanted to write something... feeling a little inspired... I'm such a dreamer... not many of my dreams have become reality, yet; however, I'd like to think that I'm putting forth an honest effort to accomplish that. It seems like such a long process, though. I don't want to live a boring life forever... I'll get it right soon enough... ok, I'm done typing jibberish!

Age Ain't Nothing But A Number...

...throwing down ain't nothing but a thang... used to love that song! thought I was grown listening to all that "baby making" music... Whew... thank God, I didn't end up pregnant.

Anywho... I celebrated my born-day on yesterday... didn't really celebrate, but I was surely thankful to see another one. Most women stop revealing their age @ one point or another, & I've sort of decided to adopt this practice as well... but, not @ all b/c I'm ashamed of my age, but moreso b/c I don't feel my age. Most people don't believe how old I am when I tell them, anyway... so, I'm going to continue to embrace my youth! Why not!? Why not live as if I have 5 or 10 more years before I turn 30?!

No, no, no... this doesn't mean that I'm going to revert to immaturity, but that I'm going to do all I can to sustain my health, image, & vibrancy/vitality.

So... here's to many more years as a 23-year old... LOL!

A Change Gon' Come

I don't think anyone could sing that song like Sam Cooke... he sang it in a way that made you believe that a change, a major change, was going to come.

@ this exact moment in my life, this song has never rang so true. It's funny how people go thru life w/ slight flaws but they always culminate into something ginormous. I have suffered this common demise. I, for whatever reason, have prided myself on laziness, procrastination, & lack of attention to detail... but, laziness has been the main culprit.

Laziness has cost me, & those that I love, more time & money than I can count. & it has pushed me into a dreadful corner, where I feel trapped & helpless. Laziness has far exceeded my effort, b/c while I have put forth effort @ various things, that effort has been washed away by one single instance of laziness... this coins the phrase "taking 2 steps forward & 2 steps back."

But, like my good friend Sam said, "A change gon' come." Or @ least I hope so b/c this is no way to live.

I find it funny/ironic that so many people suffer from trying so hard not to be something, that they subconsciously become that something.

This is no different in my case... while I have never tried to present myself as "having it all together," I've prided myself on @ least giving it a try... but, in retrospect what was my try, really... but, I've tried my best NOT to be the clueless, spoiled chick, yet no matter what I've done or how hard I've tried, I think this is still the perception of me. I know that some of it is me being my own worst critic, but I also know that some of it is true.

& I think that this is significantly due to my lazy & detached nature... allowing things to "fall by the wayside," for no other reason, but laziness & lack of concern.

Another culprit is self-loathing/self-punishment... most people think that by being hard on themselves, or punishing themselves, it solves the problem or makes those involved feel better, but it doesn't. The remorse only lasts so long & ultimately, more often than not, the person repeats the behavior later on. & that's usually where tough love comes into play, & when it is needed most.

I am probably harder on myself than I need to be. But, like my example, I somehow find myself repeating the same behaviors.

So, I'm finally ready to say that "the buck stops here." I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of feeling clueless. & I'm tired of getting the same results... there is no way that I will be able to succeed, or successfully function as a person, if I continue down the same path... it has not been a terrible path, but I'm sure that it's not the one that my parents, & most importantly, God, have chosen for me... it's not the one that I want for myself b/c it's unbelievably draining & depressing.

So, Sam, I'm taking you up on that... a change is coming.

Update: wow, this was a really depressing entry, BUT, it was honest... & that's the only thing that I know to be.

Julie, Julia, & Me

I really enjoyed this movie... Meryl Streep was superb. But, I couldn't help but think about the fact that it must have been a strain for Julie to take on such an ambitious goal. Judging by the couple's modest apartment, it appeared that Julie & her husband didn't have much money. For that reason, & a few others, it seemed like it would be unrealistic for me to attempt such a goal... Not to mention, I'm not the greatest chef, I'm ok, but I'm often intimidated by complicated recipes... I usually prefer recipes that don't require precise measurements & exotic/unfamiliar ingredients...

However, I've determined that I could attempt a goal somewhat similar, & definitely inspired by the one that Julie accomplished... & that goal is to learn 2 new recipes per week, for this year.

Aside from the CPA exam, income management is probably the biggest goal that I have for this year... for my life. As I mentioned in a previous post, I've already conquered my shopping demons, but I realize that my second largest obstacle in reaching my financial goal is food consumption.

Quite honestly, I don't eat a lot. I'm usually good w/ breakfast & lunch. Dinner is usually an afterthought, & only a major issue after a good workout. Unfortunately, daily visits to random restaurants for lunch, is absolutely killing my budget, & probably my waistline as well. So, as I said, I've conquered the shopping, now I have to conquer the eating.

Of course, the logical solution is to cook more. & to an extent, I have no problem w/ that... but, the extent is that I am not very fond of leftovers. There is a very limited list of items that I enjoy eating a second time around... this list includes fish, stews/soups, & pasta... meatloaf is also a consideration. I don't like chicken b/c it's normally dry by the second day, & it smells horrible when re-heated... the reheat issue also applies to pork & any other meat w/ a bone... truthfully, I think it's the bone that causes the stench... makes the meat smell re-heated, overcooked meat.

Also, I only know a limited number of recipes. The limited repertoire also bothers me b/c I want to be a decent chef for my future husband. I always think about my dad & how he complained about his ex-wife's limited menu options... I think she rotated the same 5 recipes each week, & that really is unacceptable & boring. So, I don't want to torture my husband or my children. Our generation has become so accustomed to dining out & it negatively affects so many aspects of our lives, including our health.

I always tell people how I wish I would've had the opportunity to take home economics in school. I think that course should be reinstated in our schools. Girls really don't know how to cook anymore, & I think it's sad. I wish I knew how to cook like women did "back in the day..." making everything from scratch, from biscuits to ice cream. I think it's a lost art among my generation.

So, my little goal will ultimately kill quite a few birds w/ one stone.

My only dilemma is that busy season starts in a couple weeks, & spans thru May, so it's going to be quite difficult to accomplish. Not only are we required to work @ least 55 hours/week during this time, but my schedule for this year includes quite a bit of traveling, including a couple months stay in New Jersey. But, I think I will still be able to swing it when I'm in town b/c I can just commit to trying one recipe on a weekday & then one recipe on the weekend. Of course, I'll have to put the project on hold while I'm in New Jersey.

But, I'm excited... I even want to reach out to my FB friends & ask for recipes & suggestions.

I think I will start the project next week. I'd like to start it this week, preferably Saturday, but a friend & I are planning to go hiking so I'm sure that will consume the day.

But, I will start digging for recipes... I actually have a pretty decent cookbook.

So, let the games begin!

In Your Skin

I take issue w/ people that don't know how to be themselves... I think people have become so concerned w/ confidence that everyone has now adopted personas that they don't even know how to control... & a lot of people aren't even aware that they suffer from this issue.

A line from one of my favorite songs by Sy Smith says "I don't know myself, though I know a few who do, & they seem sort of shallow, so I take my time & start anew."

I've always been sort of unsure of myself, but as I've matured, I've grown very confident in everything that I do... this doesn't mean that I'm arrogant, but that I'm ok w/ who I am or what I'm doing in the midst of any situation... surprisingly, I'm very indecisive; however, once I decide, that's it... So, if I decide to be emotional in a certain moment, then I'm going to follow that emotion to the depths of the sea!

I'm ok w/ being confused @ times, I'm ok w/ making mistakes... I know that it's ok that I'm not perfect... I try not to take myself too seriously, & I love laughing @ myself.

However, I meet so many people that have developed personas, & they don't know how to recover after a slight misstep... they try too hard in awkward moments... trying to appear as if they have control in every situation... trying so hard to maintain the image that they've created for themselves.

I'm no good w/ awkward moments, in the sense that I don't force what I know is not there. So, sometimes that means not engaging in small talk w/ someone that I don't know or really don't care to know... sometimes, I don't care to know what a person did w/ their weekend... now, some may say that's arrogant & impolite... but, is it necessary when each person has a dislike for the other... I don't know, but that's just a quick example.

Anyway... People have come to believe that the more that you do, or the more you know, then the more "together" or confident you are, the more important you are... but, you don't always have to fill the empty spaces in life... sometimes, you discover the most important things in the midst of silence.

I've been told that I'm confident & that's cool, but I'm really not sure if I am one way or another, & I'm ok w/ that... what I know about myself is that I am moody, goofy, detached, emotional, intelligent, forgetful, insecure, arrogant, organized, messy, lazy, determined, rude, compassionate, thoughtful, & selfish... I am all those things @ one point or another & I'm ok w/ that.. so, if that makes me confident, cool... if that makes me confused/confusing... cool... but, I'm not going to pretend that I am or am not any of those things.