Open, open, open, open...

Dare I say it... I used to be closed-minded... gasp, sigh... yes, I know. I can't believe it, either. I'd completely forgotten about this unspeakable behavior until a conversation that I had yesterday w/ a couple people regarding interracial dating... Ironically, I've always been open to dating outside of my race, though, I prefer brown skin & have always said that I would never marry someone outside my race... YET, I have ridiculed my male counterparts for dating outside our race... sigh... yes, it's true... I used to be one of the evil, angry black women that said that black men had sold out if they chose a white woman. So, I am here today to repent for my ignorant sins.

Truth is... no one knows the circumstances that surround a person's decision in choosing to date outside his race... could it be, that he is as open-minded as I claim to be. I believe this to be the case now, more than ever... but, I can honestly say that to a large extent, I wouldn't be mad @ a black man for making this choice for certain malicious, vindictive reasons... of which, I will list, below:

1. Black women have bad attitudes & are unbearable to tolerate...

Now, before you assume that I'm all about bashing black women, remember that I am one & that I love being one; however, there are some undeniable flaws in our ability function in & sustain healthy relationships. Most often, I've heard, & most times sided w/, the argument that black women have endured a slew of distress that has caused our aggressive & combative nature. & while this is somewhat true, this does not excuse ANY of our behavior... whatever distress we've experienced, shouldn't give us the audacity to believe that we won't be held accountable for our actions. Our experience w/ heartache, suffering, & distress is no different than a difficult life that's experienced by any other person in this world... we all have the right to be angry & grieve over pain that we've experienced; however, we all have the responsibility to seek out the source of that pain, & the method/actions necessary for eliminating & overcoming that pain. A person that moves thru life reacting to every situation based on past experiences, failures, & pain, is as ignorant as a person that doesn't want to pursue an education.

2. Black women don't know how to care for black men...

Ironically, this statement probably wasn't true until the 70's or 80's... but, most likely the 70's (I think)... which is the time when black women began to stand side-by-side w/ black men in militant & civil-rights organizations like Black Panthers & NAACP. Prior to that, we were as dedicated to motherhood & "wifely duties" as our white counterparts. But, the 60's came & went, & had opened up doors for the race as a whole. Black women began stepping out of the kitchen to earn their own income. & as previously mentioned, we began standing by our male leaders... speaking up & taking new leadership roles... w/ this progress, began the struggle to be identified as an equal, not just a "help-mate." Sure, our white counterparts were also fighting to be equal, & who knows how many families that fight divided... but, in the black community, this divide, unfortunately, became a mainstay... & so, the single-mom was birthed... During the 70's, thousands of black women began the journey of guiding & teaching black children... trying to teach a young girl how to be a respectable woman as well as trying to teach a young boy how to be a respectable man... all the while, trying to maintain a respectable income & household... all alone. Prior to the 70's, this was more the exception than the norm, & most of the exceptions were due to widows. Perhaps, the increase single-mothers during the 70's was a direct correlation to an increase in the divorce rate... I'm not sure, but, unfortunately now, divorce is a minute fraction in the causes of single-mother parenting. In the past 20-30 years, having children out of wedlock has become the standard for most black couples.

Well... that's all background information... that's not even my main point... the black woman's ability to care for a black man, or any man for that matter, was lost when the black family began to disintegrate... how can a woman learn how to care for a man, if there isn't one around? & this unfortunate circumstance had a direct impact on the children... the young girls & boys that spent their childhood in this environment. The children that were products of this environment grew up, & guess what, they didn't know how to care for or communicate w/ one another b/c there was no positive example of this within their household as children. This has become a constant cause of frustration in the black community, & has developed into decades of pain & resentment between the genders, caused by the inability to effectively communicate.

3. Black women have a looooooong list of demands...

I find it completely hilarious, & sometimes frustrating, that Hollywood consistently portrays black women as these closed-off, dissatisfied, demanding, super-divas... but, you know what... Hollywood has a damn good point... this couldn't have been portrayed more clearly than on the recent dating show which starred Chili from TLC... (as I type this, I'm hit w/ the revelation that her actions were probably solely for the camera... BUT, they could still be true... anywho...) Chili had the most unrealistic, annoying "list" that I'd ever witnessed in my entire existence. & to be honest, I just realized that I have actually encountered women w/ these dreadful "lists." un-freaking-believable... how the hell do you function w/ a "list" (I totally imagine saying that word w/ disdain on my face that can only be rivaled w/ eating a spoiled, sour apple)... I mean, do you go on each date w/ a "list" of questions, & check each one off as the candidate answers... & do you dismiss a candidate b/c you didn't like his watch... cause clearly it was on your list that you had to like his watch... I mean, WTF?! How in the hell do you expect to build a connection w/ a person when all you can concentrate on is the fcuking "list" of demands running thru your head??? (throwing my hands up in the air in complete despair) I just don't get it. Don't get me wrong, I definitely have preferences, but am I going to dismiss someone b/c they don't fully match my "list?" & I'm sorry, my memory is terrible, so I would either forget to carry my "list" w/ me, or I would completely forget what the hell I included on the damn thing... *huffing & puffing*... that's just STUPID!

& I'm going to let you in on a little secret, ladies... usually, the woman that has the damn "list" is the one that has ALL the demands w/ no intention of reciprocating... who the hell wants to be w/ someone like that!?

Sure, we're supposed to be treating like queens, but shit... y'all want the royal treatment & then treat the dude like an UN-royal subject... & SURPRISE, ladies... you're outnumbered... so, you can walk around like yo' shit don't stank if you want to... you can walk around thinking that you are just too royal to be passed up by anyone... & I guarantee that you will continuously watch those potential kings pass you by... looks only last so long... attraction only last so long...

Oooooo, but don't think I've forgotten the flip-side of the list-toting interviewer... we also have the list-toting advertiser... AH YES!... these are the black women that walk around w/ their "list" of attributes... I'm a good woman b/c... 1. I'm intelligent, 2. I can cook... blah, blah, blah... These women wave their "good woman" status around like a fcuking get-out-of-jail free card... holding it over every suitor's head as if to say, "you'll never find another like me!" UMMMMM, boo, yes he will... while the market is flooded w/ skanks, hood-rats, & video hoes alike, there is also an army of educated, independent, soul-food cooking women that are ready & willing to "cater" to a man, or @ least show him the "list." But, a good woman/candidate doesn't have to advertise her "good" qualities b/c she allows her actions to speak louder than her words... & btw, the only thing that separates you from another "good woman" is timing & chemistry... so, while your peach cobbler may be the best in Mayberry, he will gladly choose the candidate that hasn't cooked a cobbler a day in her life, but is willing, b/c he enjoys her "conversation."

4. Black women are too... RELIGIOUS...

I must admit, this is an EKM original... I had to include it for shock-value & good ol' comedic flare! Please don't think that I'm the 2nd coming of Satan, ladies... of course, I love God & have a personal relationship w/ them... however, I must admit that I have to laugh every time I see these bible-toting, Christian women try their hand @ having a dating/social life. These are the women w/ a clear "list" of what they don't do... 1. I don't drink, 2. I don't want to go here or there b/c the devil is there, 3. I don't kiss until the 8.5th date b/c God told me not to... Extreme??? I don't think so... These people exist. No one is asking you to sell your soul to the devil in order to have a relationship w/ a man, but I strongly doubt that the most God-fearing man would want such an uptight & restricted woman... there's a difference in representing yourself as a God-fearing, respectable woman, & the bible-toting, door-to-door knocking, missionary that is often replicated in such movies as the Friday series. If you really trust in God, you don't have to shout out His name every time you're faced w/ an uncomfortable situation... how about being confident in your faith enough to not use it to call every activity "evil" or "un-Godly." I can't stress enough, how annoyed I am w/ people that are always putting God's name on everything... 1. God told me that I should go to the store, 2. God told me that he's the one... no, he's the one... no, he's the one... There is only ONE ONE... every man can't be "The One." You're so busy putting God's name on everything that you probably DON'T hear him when He's really trying to speak to you... hell, He's probably trying to tell you to lighten up & have some fun.

So, there... here's my list of reasons why black men choose to go to the other side... & the moral of the story is: a little open-mindedness never hurt any body...

Darkness...

You'd assume from the title that I'm in some sort of turmoil... that my day has been terrible, or that I'm in a dark place... I'm not... but, someone very dear to me is... & though I don't fully feel or understand the depths of his situation, a part of me can still feel his pain & see him hurting... you know that saying, "my heart goes out..." Well, my heart is going out to this person... my heart is w/ this person b/c he stole it! Seems like the more complicated a relationship is, the more difficult it is to remove it from your life... your emotions are wrapped up in a web that you'll never be able to understand, but you know that what you feel is real.

Well, I don't want to delve too deeply into emotions or detail today b/c I've actually had a damn good day, & though I care deeply for this person, I've shed one too many tears in his honor... but, my heart is still w/ him. & I pray that he will find his way soon... perhaps, I'll still be waiting @ the end of the trail.

I now pronounce you...

So, I saw it coming, but then again, I tried to be optimistic, BUT... the time has come... I am now the last of the bunch... the lone ranger... I am the only remaining single woman of my group of friends... sigh... I've approached this time w/ mixed feelings. To be honest, being single has been more of a subconscious CHOICE for me. I've chosen to spend time w/ some "bad apples" b/c I've never approached single hood nor holy matrimony w/ any specific intent. Everything has been pretty haphazard & w/o real consideration. So, as I've probably stated on this space in the past, I'm not particularly mad about being single to this point, b/c I know that it's been mostly of my own doing. & until a couple years ago, I had no desire to unite w/ any of the "bad apples," or anyone else, for that matter. So now, the desire to be united w/ someone has become a conscious desire for me, yet, I still have mixed feelings...

My sole intent for marriage is children... for whatever reason, it's become a firm requirement that I become married before I even consider giving birth... maybe, it's b/c I've held on to my record of surviving 28 years w/o a single pregnancy/abortion on my record... I'm very proud of that... but, that's not a testament to my discipline... it's been achieved thru sheer luck/blessing; which ever you prefer. YET, I think it would be so "me" to give birth out of wedlock... why, you might ask... b/c I'm not totally sold on marriage... as much as I desire it, it honestly doesn't fit my personality type... I'm a loner... a distant soul, by nature... I love from a distance. & while I have shown signs of being delivered from this debilitating flaw, I've also clung to it throughout my life. So, what success would such a detached person have in marriage... I'm not sure... maybe, I should consult one on this issue.


Not to mention, the idea of a "life partner" has always been intriguing to me. That title affords a person all the benefits of a committed, long-lasting relationship w/o all the political/societal stereotypes & requirements. I will never lie & say that I want to be alone/single for my entire life... @ the end of the day, I'm a hopeless romantic, so I most certainly want to share my life w/ someone... I want security in knowing that I share an unwavering commitment w/ someone. So, here's where I begin to play devil's advocate... does marriage truly provide the security that I, & so many others, seek? My cynic nature tells me that it doesn't. Quite honestly, I believe that marriage is one of the most elusive aspects of life... marriage has become an institution in which so many have chosen to hide behind. Marriage has become the ultimate cover-up. Don't get me wrong, I don't have negative opinions about marriage, just realistic ones. & I love seeing genuinely happy couples... it's the cutest thing.


So, realistically, I believe that too many people get married too soon & for the wrong reasons... too many people marry during the "puppy-love" state... when everything is ooooo & starry-eyed. & while that is definitely the best time of a relationship, it is not the best time to make a serious decision such as marriage... b/c when the oooooo's & starry-eyes disappear, reality sets in... & it's not always pretty. & this is where my argument that marriage is the ultimate illusion is birthed...

Besides having a successful career & all the things that it affords a person, marriage is probably the only other tangible thing that most people associate w/ success & happiness. For single-women, it's a coveted title. Thousands of women rush to the alter each year, w/ the full knowledge that their relationship is in shambles... but, oh how sweet it is to have the ring, the dress, & the title. There are thousands of women marrying men that they barely know, each year; whether it's a result of internet dating, or just good old-fashioned desperation. Ironically, you have the anti-desperatist (an EKM original!) whose sole purpose is to show how UN-desperate she is, so she spends her entire life in single hood... believing that she should be rewarded for her independence & high-standards... YET, she's completely miserable... but, that's another topic for another post. (& I REFUSE to be this woman)

So, we have all these women, rushing to the alter in the attempt to banish the cursed "single-woman" status... in this regard, this gives men total control... not to mention, this shows their maturity in having the ability to make an unemotional, mature decision... some of them (maybe, the majority), @ least. Because, why is it ok for a man to wait 'til his early to mid-30's to become married, but, when a woman does this, it's b/c she's almost expiring or tainted... SHE is the lucky one b/c someone FINALLY chose her... totally a double-standard... But, to be honest, while women do mature faster than men, this may be the one area in which they don't... so, maybe they need the time more than men do, but, men actually exercise the right to use it. Women are usually so in love w/ love that they will stick w/ it @ all costs... & while that could be recognized as unconditional love or an unwavering commitment to a person, sometimes it's just downright useless & unhealthy. & the stigma of being the last to get married has encouraged a rat race among women that's caused numerous forms of deception... putting holes in condoms is one example.


So, I've bashed women... but, men are to blame as well... the man that has the honest desire & maturity to make a lifetime commitment to a woman, should be commended... BUT, this commitment rarely last. & while most people will site infidelity as the most popular reason for divorce, it's connected to a larger issue, & that is communication. I don't know very many men that are notable communicators. Most men will say that women talk too much, but, most women will say that men don't talk enough. & while there is a misunderstanding between genders, each side is correct... to an extent. Women have to realize that EVERYTHING isn't up for discussion. Some things should just be released. However, men have to realize that there should be no secret between them & their partner that could potentially alter their lives together or separately... when a union is formed, men have the obligation to communicate their most important issues & concerns to their partner... no questions asked. BUT, this fails to happen way too often. When communication begins to fade & secrets are formed, is when unhappiness & mistrust surface. If a man can't completely share himself w/ his partner, then he shouldn't have chosen her in the 1st place. Undoubtedly, each person should maintain a form of the identity that he/she possessed prior to the union, but, once the union is formed, each person must know that EVERY decision that is made will affect the other person... will alter the union in some manner... this is where most men lack the necessary maturity needed for marriage. & this is why a lot of men don't get married... b/c they are unwilling to relinquish this freedom.

True, the issues that I've mentioned can happen under any union or circumstance; however, I believe that the inherent pressure to maintain the sanctity & laws of marriage can ultimately crack the foundation. You might say, "well... having a life partner ultimately gives the person the freedom or right to make a decision that won't directly affect the other person... it gives a person the freedom to conduct himself as he pleases." I believe this to be completely untrue. A verbal, written, or electronic commitment is what it is... a person's word... if a person fails to abide by or complete a contract or commitment, then he has failed to do what he said he was going to do... the only difference between a life-partner & a marriage partner is that marriage affords you the right to the other person's possessions when the commitment is broken... so, the real question is... do you really want a commitment or access to someone's possessions...

2010, I heart you :)

Sooooo, 2010 got off to a slow, annoying, & mundane start for me... I was confused as ever & totally dissatisfied w/ my life... I'd invested a lot of time & energy into things that I knew were pointless... BUT, I'm happy to report that I've finally come out of hibernation & am moving in the right direction. & for once, it feels like this year could be the best one in a really long time... not that my life has ever been bad or hard, but I've been living purposeless & uninspired for way, too long.

So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed... hoping that my efforts will no longer be in vain.