So, I saw it coming, but then again, I tried to be optimistic, BUT... the time has come... I am now the last of the bunch... the lone ranger... I am the only remaining single woman of my group of friends... sigh... I've approached this time w/ mixed feelings. To be honest, being single has been more of a subconscious CHOICE for me. I've chosen to spend time w/ some "bad apples" b/c I've never approached single hood nor holy matrimony w/ any specific intent. Everything has been pretty haphazard & w/o real consideration. So, as I've probably stated on this space in the past, I'm not particularly mad about being single to this point, b/c I know that it's been mostly of my own doing. & until a couple years ago, I had no desire to unite w/ any of the "bad apples," or anyone else, for that matter. So now, the desire to be united w/ someone has become a conscious desire for me, yet, I still have mixed feelings...
My sole intent for marriage is children... for whatever reason, it's become a firm requirement that I become married before I even consider giving birth... maybe, it's b/c I've held on to my record of surviving 28 years w/o a single pregnancy/abortion on my record... I'm very proud of that... but, that's not a testament to my discipline... it's been achieved thru sheer luck/blessing; which ever you prefer. YET, I think it would be so "me" to give birth out of wedlock... why, you might ask... b/c I'm not totally sold on marriage... as much as I desire it, it honestly doesn't fit my personality type... I'm a loner... a distant soul, by nature... I love from a distance. & while I have shown signs of being delivered from this debilitating flaw, I've also clung to it throughout my life. So, what success would such a detached person have in marriage... I'm not sure... maybe, I should consult one on this issue.
Not to mention, the idea of a "life partner" has always been intriguing to me. That title affords a person all the benefits of a committed, long-lasting relationship w/o all the political/societal stereotypes & requirements. I will never lie & say that I want to be alone/single for my entire life... @ the end of the day, I'm a hopeless romantic, so I most certainly want to share my life w/ someone... I want security in knowing that I share an unwavering commitment w/ someone. So, here's where I begin to play devil's advocate... does marriage truly provide the security that I, & so many others, seek? My cynic nature tells me that it doesn't. Quite honestly, I believe that marriage is one of the most elusive aspects of life... marriage has become an institution in which so many have chosen to hide behind. Marriage has become the ultimate cover-up. Don't get me wrong, I don't have negative opinions about marriage, just realistic ones. & I love seeing genuinely happy couples... it's the cutest thing.
So, realistically, I believe that too many people get married too soon & for the wrong reasons... too many people marry during the "puppy-love" state... when everything is ooooo & starry-eyed. & while that is definitely the best time of a relationship, it is not the best time to make a serious decision such as marriage... b/c when the oooooo's & starry-eyes disappear, reality sets in... & it's not always pretty. & this is where my argument that marriage is the ultimate illusion is birthed...
Besides having a successful career & all the things that it affords a person, marriage is probably the only other tangible thing that most people associate w/ success & happiness. For single-women, it's a coveted title. Thousands of women rush to the alter each year, w/ the full knowledge that their relationship is in shambles... but, oh how sweet it is to have the ring, the dress, & the title. There are thousands of women marrying men that they barely know, each year; whether it's a result of internet dating, or just good old-fashioned desperation. Ironically, you have the anti-desperatist (an EKM original!) whose sole purpose is to show how UN-desperate she is, so she spends her entire life in single hood... believing that she should be rewarded for her independence & high-standards... YET, she's completely miserable... but, that's another topic for another post. (& I REFUSE to be this woman)
So, we have all these women, rushing to the alter in the attempt to banish the cursed "single-woman" status... in this regard, this gives men total control... not to mention, this shows their maturity in having the ability to make an unemotional, mature decision... some of them (maybe, the majority), @ least. Because, why is it ok for a man to wait 'til his early to mid-30's to become married, but, when a woman does this, it's b/c she's almost expiring or tainted... SHE is the lucky one b/c someone FINALLY chose her... totally a double-standard... But, to be honest, while women do mature faster than men, this may be the one area in which they don't... so, maybe they need the time more than men do, but, men actually exercise the right to use it. Women are usually so in love w/ love that they will stick w/ it @ all costs... & while that could be recognized as unconditional love or an unwavering commitment to a person, sometimes it's just downright useless & unhealthy. & the stigma of being the last to get married has encouraged a rat race among women that's caused numerous forms of deception... putting holes in condoms is one example.
So, I've bashed women... but, men are to blame as well... the man that has the honest desire & maturity to make a lifetime commitment to a woman, should be commended... BUT, this commitment rarely last. & while most people will site infidelity as the most popular reason for divorce, it's connected to a larger issue, & that is communication. I don't know very many men that are notable communicators. Most men will say that women talk too much, but, most women will say that men don't talk enough. & while there is a misunderstanding between genders, each side is correct... to an extent. Women have to realize that EVERYTHING isn't up for discussion. Some things should just be released. However, men have to realize that there should be no secret between them & their partner that could potentially alter their lives together or separately... when a union is formed, men have the obligation to communicate their most important issues & concerns to their partner... no questions asked. BUT, this fails to happen way too often. When communication begins to fade & secrets are formed, is when unhappiness & mistrust surface. If a man can't completely share himself w/ his partner, then he shouldn't have chosen her in the 1st place. Undoubtedly, each person should maintain a form of the identity that he/she possessed prior to the union, but, once the union is formed, each person must know that EVERY decision that is made will affect the other person... will alter the union in some manner... this is where most men lack the necessary maturity needed for marriage. & this is why a lot of men don't get married... b/c they are unwilling to relinquish this freedom.
True, the issues that I've mentioned can happen under any union or circumstance; however, I believe that the inherent pressure to maintain the sanctity & laws of marriage can ultimately crack the foundation. You might say, "well... having a life partner ultimately gives the person the freedom or right to make a decision that won't directly affect the other person... it gives a person the freedom to conduct himself as he pleases." I believe this to be completely untrue. A verbal, written, or electronic commitment is what it is... a person's word... if a person fails to abide by or complete a contract or commitment, then he has failed to do what he said he was going to do... the only difference between a life-partner & a marriage partner is that marriage affords you the right to the other person's possessions when the commitment is broken... so, the real question is... do you really want a commitment or access to someone's possessions...
My sole intent for marriage is children... for whatever reason, it's become a firm requirement that I become married before I even consider giving birth... maybe, it's b/c I've held on to my record of surviving 28 years w/o a single pregnancy/abortion on my record... I'm very proud of that... but, that's not a testament to my discipline... it's been achieved thru sheer luck/blessing; which ever you prefer. YET, I think it would be so "me" to give birth out of wedlock... why, you might ask... b/c I'm not totally sold on marriage... as much as I desire it, it honestly doesn't fit my personality type... I'm a loner... a distant soul, by nature... I love from a distance. & while I have shown signs of being delivered from this debilitating flaw, I've also clung to it throughout my life. So, what success would such a detached person have in marriage... I'm not sure... maybe, I should consult one on this issue.
Not to mention, the idea of a "life partner" has always been intriguing to me. That title affords a person all the benefits of a committed, long-lasting relationship w/o all the political/societal stereotypes & requirements. I will never lie & say that I want to be alone/single for my entire life... @ the end of the day, I'm a hopeless romantic, so I most certainly want to share my life w/ someone... I want security in knowing that I share an unwavering commitment w/ someone. So, here's where I begin to play devil's advocate... does marriage truly provide the security that I, & so many others, seek? My cynic nature tells me that it doesn't. Quite honestly, I believe that marriage is one of the most elusive aspects of life... marriage has become an institution in which so many have chosen to hide behind. Marriage has become the ultimate cover-up. Don't get me wrong, I don't have negative opinions about marriage, just realistic ones. & I love seeing genuinely happy couples... it's the cutest thing.
So, realistically, I believe that too many people get married too soon & for the wrong reasons... too many people marry during the "puppy-love" state... when everything is ooooo & starry-eyed. & while that is definitely the best time of a relationship, it is not the best time to make a serious decision such as marriage... b/c when the oooooo's & starry-eyes disappear, reality sets in... & it's not always pretty. & this is where my argument that marriage is the ultimate illusion is birthed...
Besides having a successful career & all the things that it affords a person, marriage is probably the only other tangible thing that most people associate w/ success & happiness. For single-women, it's a coveted title. Thousands of women rush to the alter each year, w/ the full knowledge that their relationship is in shambles... but, oh how sweet it is to have the ring, the dress, & the title. There are thousands of women marrying men that they barely know, each year; whether it's a result of internet dating, or just good old-fashioned desperation. Ironically, you have the anti-desperatist (an EKM original!) whose sole purpose is to show how UN-desperate she is, so she spends her entire life in single hood... believing that she should be rewarded for her independence & high-standards... YET, she's completely miserable... but, that's another topic for another post. (& I REFUSE to be this woman)
So, we have all these women, rushing to the alter in the attempt to banish the cursed "single-woman" status... in this regard, this gives men total control... not to mention, this shows their maturity in having the ability to make an unemotional, mature decision... some of them (maybe, the majority), @ least. Because, why is it ok for a man to wait 'til his early to mid-30's to become married, but, when a woman does this, it's b/c she's almost expiring or tainted... SHE is the lucky one b/c someone FINALLY chose her... totally a double-standard... But, to be honest, while women do mature faster than men, this may be the one area in which they don't... so, maybe they need the time more than men do, but, men actually exercise the right to use it. Women are usually so in love w/ love that they will stick w/ it @ all costs... & while that could be recognized as unconditional love or an unwavering commitment to a person, sometimes it's just downright useless & unhealthy. & the stigma of being the last to get married has encouraged a rat race among women that's caused numerous forms of deception... putting holes in condoms is one example.
So, I've bashed women... but, men are to blame as well... the man that has the honest desire & maturity to make a lifetime commitment to a woman, should be commended... BUT, this commitment rarely last. & while most people will site infidelity as the most popular reason for divorce, it's connected to a larger issue, & that is communication. I don't know very many men that are notable communicators. Most men will say that women talk too much, but, most women will say that men don't talk enough. & while there is a misunderstanding between genders, each side is correct... to an extent. Women have to realize that EVERYTHING isn't up for discussion. Some things should just be released. However, men have to realize that there should be no secret between them & their partner that could potentially alter their lives together or separately... when a union is formed, men have the obligation to communicate their most important issues & concerns to their partner... no questions asked. BUT, this fails to happen way too often. When communication begins to fade & secrets are formed, is when unhappiness & mistrust surface. If a man can't completely share himself w/ his partner, then he shouldn't have chosen her in the 1st place. Undoubtedly, each person should maintain a form of the identity that he/she possessed prior to the union, but, once the union is formed, each person must know that EVERY decision that is made will affect the other person... will alter the union in some manner... this is where most men lack the necessary maturity needed for marriage. & this is why a lot of men don't get married... b/c they are unwilling to relinquish this freedom.
True, the issues that I've mentioned can happen under any union or circumstance; however, I believe that the inherent pressure to maintain the sanctity & laws of marriage can ultimately crack the foundation. You might say, "well... having a life partner ultimately gives the person the freedom or right to make a decision that won't directly affect the other person... it gives a person the freedom to conduct himself as he pleases." I believe this to be completely untrue. A verbal, written, or electronic commitment is what it is... a person's word... if a person fails to abide by or complete a contract or commitment, then he has failed to do what he said he was going to do... the only difference between a life-partner & a marriage partner is that marriage affords you the right to the other person's possessions when the commitment is broken... so, the real question is... do you really want a commitment or access to someone's possessions...
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