Tuesday, December 22, 2009

No NY for MY...ers!


NY would be new year's resolution, & I refuse to come up w/ one. I must admit that I have a lot of goals & things planned for 2010, but only b/c I've learned so much in 2009 that I will apply in 2010. 2009 was one of the worst years of my life, & I didn't endure half the crap that most people did. But, it was just a year in which the unexpected was always waiting @ my front door & taking up space in my bed... & as I look back, I could almost shed a tear... I'm actually going to miss 2009... just a little. Why am I going to miss 2009, you ask? Well, b/c the journey has been absolutely beautiful. I am so grateful for 2009. I have learned so much about myself & others, & b/c of that, I will never be able to replace 2009... I almost wish I had more photos to remember 2009... & b/c of 2009, I will forever react differently, more positively, to difficult/crisis-type situations. 2009 gave me serenity, & that's something that you definitely need in this life.

So, I won't disrespect my special relationship w/ 2009 by looking too far ahead into 2010... however, I can't wait to experience 2010 w/ the things that I obtained in 2009.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

School is for fools!

I can't even think of a title b/c I'm so pissed... I hate school. @ times like this, I wish I had a trade b/c I promise I would do that over this crap... this is torture. I'm literally getting a migraine from learning. They should have a disclaimer before you enroll in a class that says: "Side effects may include headache, nausea, vomiting, nose bleed, stress, loss of sleep, loss of appetite..." Seriously, I promise I have suffered most of those symptoms @ one point or another today. How I ever finished my 1st degree, I have no freakin' idea. & to think that I'm talking about getting a Master's degree, & was just telling someone that I might get a Doctorate one day... wtf?! They better serve the absolute best cocktails in those doctoral courses, or else, I'm not going to make it...

I could seriously scream or throw something right now...

Btw, I thought of the title upon completing this here posts!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Some people, some people...

some people really are dreaming...

That song is in my head right now (Nas featuring Kanye West & Chrisette Michele). I really like that song & it is so true. We spend so much time dreaming.

I don't really have anything deep to say, but just wanted to add 2 cents to this here space today.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

I Heart...


something!

I find myself annoyed by various things right now. Most notably, people's incessant need to post all of their business on social networking sites (Facebook, specifically)... it's gotten out of control, & I'm totally disgusted by it. But, that's another topic for another day. I had something else on my mind.

The human heart is an amazing muscle. It's as important, if not more important, than the human brain. How fascinating it is to know that these two mechanisms are the key to every relationship we develop... everything we do in life. Our heart is strong enough to pump blood throughout our entire body, yet, one lie... one disappointment, can make it feel as weak as a damaged flower. Our brain sends signals throughout our body in a matter of nanoseconds, yet, one lie... one disappointment, can cloud and damage it for years. Knowing these things, one might believe that we would be more considerate of each other. However, those simple facts are taken for granted more than life itself.

How beautiful it is to give and receive love... to think about and know love. But, how horrible it is that we take it for granted... thinking that it's as common as a penny on the street. Maybe it is, but just like those pennies on the street, love is unique & valuable. So, why not pick it up & invest it somewhere; instead of picking it up, & throwing it right back down... stepping on it.

Hmm... I was trying to be deep... I don't know, just rambling really. Not in that poetic mood, but definitely feel as if I have something to say... I guess I'm just tired of people shitting on love like it's a damn port-a-potty. Even if you don't want a long-term relationship/friendship w/ someone, respect that person & respect yourself. Respect the institution of love.

Friday, September 4, 2009

The Unknown...


I am a worry wort... I worry about things I'm not even sure of, so much so, that I believe I've completely lost my connection w/ my "gut feeling." The unknown scares me so badly that I create stories in an attempt to make that which is unknown, known... it's horrible, & I'm sick & tired of it! It's exhausting, & most of the time (probably 98.9%) pointless. I'm afraid that I'm going to give myself a damn ulcer if I don't stop. Btw, I am trying to stop. I guess the 1st step in curing the problem is recognizing the problem, & I have done that. The 2nd step is becoming so fed up w/ the problem that you're completely motivated to solve the problem, so I guess that's where I am right now!!!

Pray for me y'all!!! I know I can change!!!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Work it, Girl!


Woohoo!! Someone slapped me on the ass, & got me moving. I'm becoming a workout junkie & I'm loving it... energy in motion!!

Life in motion... I feel a change coming, in so many areas.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Blah, blah, blah

I'm sure I've used that title before, but o well...

Maybe, it's all the commotion over health care, or my virtually, lifelong negative energy (only in the sense that I'm a known pessimist), but I'm growing unbelievably tired of people complaining & making excuses... Everyone wants to give their opinion, but no one wants to listen, & no one wants to offer any solutions. & I've never determined if I'm truly a democrat, republican, or independent, but right about now, I'm tired of all of them. I mean, they are carrying on like a hateful divorced couple... attacking & blaming each other @ every turn.

& most upsetting is my people's (Black people) constant need to diagnose & highlight our illnesses as a people. Our children are poor in so many other ways than financially, but no one wants to do anything about it. Hollywood is rushing over to save Africa, when Brooklyn, Harlem, & L.A. are in virtually the same condition. (well, not the exact same... but, ghetto children need help, too!)

But, I digress b/c I'm doing the very thing that I'm trying to speak out against!

So, in short... It's time for action, people... & if you don't want to be a solution, then shut up!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Welcome back, My Child.

That's probably what God said to me on Sunday afternoon, as I stepped into a place of worship for the 1st time in probably 6 months or more... no, no, no I'm not an atheist. But, as w/ most things, unfortunately, I grew tired of church. The messages are always the same & there are always hidden agendas & opinions... but, before I get on my religion-bashing horse, I must say that I really enjoyed reconnecting w/ that part of myself, again. Unfortunately, my a.d.d set in about 10 minutes into the speaker's sermon, but all in all, I enjoyed myself. I'm going to have to work on building up my spiritual tolerance, again, so that I can listen to the message w/o wanting to blow my brains out... that was a bit exaggerated, but you get my point!

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Some Kind of -Ology...


Could it be... maybe it's the constant exposure to medical shows & the country's fascination w/ forensics, but, I'm thinking that my next career move will involve medicine. I'm currently in the process of mapping out this move, & health, keeps calling my name. Being the aqua that I am, I'm finding myself piece-mealing different degrees together in hopes that I will make my next move as interesting as my warped logic will allow. So, I'm thinking that my next career title will include " "ology... the study of... something!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Through the Darkness...


I have been in a funk, lately... I know what you're thinking, "You're always in a funk, E." Nah, but this is a different type of funk. I'm not sure how long it's been here, but it's come to a head this week. It's one of those illness-causing, constant headache producing, permanent smile upside down seeking, weight gain mandatory funks. & to spare myself the pity party, I won't go into detail on what could be the cause of the funk... I'm not even sure. But, I think it's just normal life stuff. & as I mature, I am realizing that the best way out of any funk is production... being productive. It's so easy to get caught up in a mood & wallow, but it's the worst thing, EVER. So, I'm glad that I'm learning to push through the bullshit & as I love to say, "keep it moving."

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

A House Is Not A Home


No, not Luther's rendition!


Tonight, I took pride in my home, & it felt good... like it was mine, & like I wanted people to love it as much as I did.


What did I do, you ask... I washed dishes, vacuumed, washed my front door, & watered my grass... something that I never do. So much so that all my grass is nearly dead. But, I'm hoping w/ a little TLC, water, & fertilizer, it will be as green as the other side, in no time.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Bills, bills, bills...


Would someone please pay my bills!? Just for a few months... say, 'til august!? Sugar Daddy, Sugar Daddy, Sugar Daddy... where for art thou, Sugar Daddy!?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Shopaholics Anonymous

I will not spend money. I will not spend money. I will not spend money... if I say that 3 times fast, will that cure me!

Whoa is me. I made out a pretty budget & everything. & I think it would have actually worked if I hadn't bought that cute top from Forever 21, then there was food & drinks @ Boudreaux's... totaling a whopping $50. Isn't that sad... I don't have 50 damn dollars to spare... this shit has got to give... WTF!? But, it's my own fault. I'm in a world of debt, which eats up most of monthly. So, my life is currently in the hands of my debt... sigh.

But, the moral of this here sad story is that it could be worse. So, I'm going to smile in the face of adversity & my own stupidity, knowing that one day soon, very damn soon, I'm going to concur this foolishness.

Monday, June 15, 2009

She is me...

So, somewhere along the way this year, I lost connection with the girl in my head again, or we just fell out... I didn't really get the memo. 6 months into the year, I realize that I haven't accomplished anything on my "to-do" list, & for no other reason than pure laziness. & that's mostly because I've truly realized how hard it is to change... How hard it is sometimes to just get up & do something. & for this reason, I'm the worst procrastinator that I know. But, there's a bright spot... I start ballet this Wednesday, so let's pray that this opens the door for me & this girl becoming the best of friends... She should be my best friend... After all, she is me!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Untitled & Unfinished...

I love you & it scares me
I love you & I'm just starting to understand why
I love you & I'm just starting to understand how
I love you & I pray that we have more time.

But, how do I set aside my own desires so that we continue to grow separately & jointly
How do I learn to say no to something/someone that I want so severely
How do I begin to trust a heart & a person that has betrayed me w/o merit
How do I forgive & forget about the past when it's continuously affecting our present.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Gaining Weight

So, I have gained a few (maybe 4 or 5) lbs. in the past month or so. & each time I look in the mirror, I'm reminded of what a frustrating situation it is... a few lbs. isn't a problem, but it's what those few lbs. can bring that is... more friends, more lbs... so I'm committing myself to getting off my lazy ass this week, & making an effort to keep it tight. B/c Lord knows I would die if I lost my sexy!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Closed Mouths Don't Get Fed


In keeping w/ my "back in love" theme, I pose the question of what is the appropriate way to let someone know that you want a future w/ them, i.e. marriage, children, the white picket fence... ya know. Historically, I've prided myself on being the "anti-woman." I don't like engaging in the emotional & self-righteous acts that most women do. To make it simple, here is a list of the things that I refuse to do:


1. search through phones, pockets, wallets, drawers, etc.

2. ask too many questions

3. ridicule "the other woman"

4. argue

5. ask "where is this going?"

6. demand marriage


Very short list, but they're some of the most common. Granted, I'm extremely emotional, as I've learned over the past couple years, but, some things seem so unnecessary to me. But, the point of this here post is that I had a conversation w/ my love last night in which we somewhat discussed our future & what we want. B/c so much has happened between he & I, we'd grown comfortable w/ not speaking too much into our future together; sort of a "take things as they come" or "one day @ a time" type situation. So, we started talking about marriage & kids, & I stated that I really want those things. He in turn said that he didn't think that they were something that I really wanted, & that most women who really want them, say so... repeatedly.


So, there's my dilemma... that the man that I love, & knows me better than anyone else (except my parents, of course... then again!), didn't think that I was a woman that really wanted the "American dream." But, maybe the fact that he knows me so well is the problem. So, must I become one of those nagging, pleading, demanding women, all for the sake of love & to get what I really want?? Is there a balance, or am I forever type casted as the woman that doesn't need a man; an independent woman? & must I make him "unknow" (I know that's not a word) me to believe that I'm just like any other woman vying for a chance @ love & to build a family? I suppose that I assumed that his knowledge of who I was, & the relationship that we've built, would be enough. But, I suppose it does make it difficult to plan a future w/ someone that's extremely lackadaisical! (I hate that word btw, no idea why I decided to use it!)

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Back in Love... Again


Makes me think of Maze's song...

So, I was pretty bitter my last time here, & I'm not even sure why, but I'm sure I know who's to blame! Yea, I'm in love... have been for a while. & the sailing has been pretty smooth lately. O, but don't I know that when it's bad, it's really bad. So, I'm fully enjoying it while it lasts. I wish I had more of these times when I could sit back & feel & enjoy the beauty of love. It's good to feel loved, & to have that feeling for someone. But, those are the exact things that make the bad times so wretched.

I wish I had more to say, but my inner writer has been blocked for a while now. But, o well... today, I love love.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Grrrrrr!

I think I've used this title before, but o well... I guess I'm feeling that way again.

I am angry. I am hating love. I am completely upset & disgusted w/ love. It's not beautiful. It's not anything that resembles positive thoughts. It's horrible. & when I feel this way, is when I truly believe & feel comfy w/ the fact that I will be single for the rest of my life.


Sorry to be negative... not really, but I don't believe that there is this 1 right person for you, or as so many like to call "the one." Doesn't exist in my world. I believe that there is 1, maybe 2, in your lifetime that you wil deem as a person that you will sacrifice for; sacrifice everything that you believe in, but is this person always right for you... hardly. is this the one that you will spend most of your life trying to find... of course.

I had a lot to say... most of it probably not good. But, love... what does it really mean??? Not a got-damn thing. & I'm starting to believe that my life's purpose is not to find, but just give it when I can... so, F falling in love w/ a big ass capital letter!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Is it just me???

Wow, it's been a while... hadn't had much to say & not sure I do now!

Current events have taken hold of my attention & further solidified my completely unorthodox way of thinking... some call it warped.

So, gay marriage is now legal in Iowa, Massachusetts, and Vermont... 3 states that seem so conservative & all-American that it's completely hilarious that they got it right & ultra-liberal Cali, couldn't step up to the plate. & I'm led to believe that I just don't know where I belong. I've lost connection w/ the church again, & it seems like I find new reasons to stay away each day... that sounds really bad, huh?? But, seriously, I have a major problem w/ the church's opposition to gay people, & here are my primary reasons:

1. Gay people are PEOPLE, so they should be treated as such.
2. Black people (the most notorious homo-phobes) have forgotten what it's like to be hated for superficial reasons; I believe that hating/disowning someone for what they've chosen to do w/ their life is just as superficial, ignorant, and immature as hating/disowning someone for the color of their skin.
3. Would someone please be progressive?? The church has held on to century old traditions that, to are a large extent, are completely out of touch w/ today's world... yea, yea, yea... Christians are not of the world. BUT, how can you relate or convert the world if you won't get off of your pearly-white horse to get to know them & understand why they're in the position that they're in, or made the decisions that they've made... isn't that what sinners are; bad decision makers (whole other subject!)
4. Christians, the ones that @ least try to be open, accept prostitutes, liars, adulterers, thieves, murderers, etc... why not gay people?? Why associate the person w/ the sin that they've chosen to commit?? Aren't we all sinners, & haven't we all been in church on Sunday after having raised hell on some day/days throughout the rest of the week, @ some point in our lives??
5. How can you pass judgement on someone that you don't know?? You don't know what brought that person to that decision; maybe they were molested, abused, outcast, etc. Maybe they have a hormonal imbalance or a brain defect; there is some research that proves such instances (the same is also true for some serial killers). & if they've chosen it b/c it's popular... we've all gone astray...

Huh, I could go on & on... but, I won't!

Btw, were all my reasons the same?? Maybe... maybe it just shows that there aren't enough reasons to hate/condemn someone.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Kooties

I officially have kooties; the weather has been absolutely dreadful this week. & I now officially hate cold weather... that's why I moved to Houston in the 1st place, damnit!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Optimism???

Is an extremely funny thing. I guess I should try it sometimes, but I can't help but find the irony in it... like how people use it to actually cover up their insecurities about a situation instead of just admitting that they fucked up & that they're just taking the necessary steps to get themselves out of the b/s... & then, people also use it as a defense mechanism in order to defer people from questioning them about a bad decision, or a decision that clearly makes no damn sense... you'll ask them, "so, what's the plan?" & they'll respond w/ "well, this is what's happening, but I'm believing that good will come from this."

But, then again, someone could say the same things about skepticism or cynicism. However, I'd rather walk in my cynistic (I made this word up!), morbid ways & look @ shit for what it really is... b/c sometimes fuck ups are exactly that... nothing more, nothing less.

I guess we all have to decide which is most comfortable for us... but, who really wants flowers covered in shit??? I'm so silly :)

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Daily Horoscope

Feeling a bit lucky today...

This is a terrific day for you, dear Aquarius, and you will find that there is a great deal of power at your disposal. This is a day of new beginnings. You have the opportunity now to start over and create a solid emotional base from which to work. Rid yourself of negative feelings and self-doubt. Use this day as an opportunity to strike out on new ground and achieve whatever you set your heart on.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Daily Horoscope

Too close for comfort...

You may need to slow down your pace a bit after the hectic pace of the last couple of days, dear Aquarius. With matters especially having to do with the heart, it is essential that you take a more reserved and sensitive approach. Try to ground and center yourself. Instead of thinking about conquering someone, try simply sitting back and receiving their appreciation and affection.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Daily Horoscope

I always feel this way...

You probably aren't going to feel very social today, dear Aquarius. In fact, you're likely to want to work on projects and tasks alone if you can. This actually might be good for you, as you probably need to concentrate on crossing certain things off your list without being distracted. Still, you should get out among others at some point during the day. You might want to be alone, but you'll still need to feel that you belong.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Daily Horoscope

Noooooooo, not this again...

Today much of your mental energy, and possibly your physical energy, is likely to be directed toward career matters. You might find yourself re-evaluating your goals and ambitions, dear Aquarius, and possibly considering other possibilities. The desire for additional income might be the catalyst that gets you going, but there's more to it than that. This is definitely a good day to give thought to a number of options. By this time next week, you might have actually made a few decisions.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

It's Morning Time


I wish I had about 2 or 3 extra hours in the day; preferably in the morning... My brain has been overloaded this week w/ my need to start back exercising. But, by the time I get off of work, all I can imagine is grabbing something to eat so I can go home & decompress, & ultimately go to bed.

Maybe, I need to start pushing myself in the evenings... there are so many things that I would like to add to my evening agenda like exercising & studying... 2 things that are actually good for me, but now that busy season has reared its ugly head, my main goal is to have as much energy as possible just so I can get thru the 9-11 hour work day.

What is a girl to do?

Daily Horoscope

Hope this really helps me today...

An increased psychological awareness and heightened intuition could have you tuning in to the thoughts and feelings of family members before they even know what they want, dear Aquarius. You might even be able to pick up on the thoughts of strangers. This is definitely the day to trust your inner voice, especially when it comes to making plans with others. They might not be too communicative while this atmosphere lasts, and may be less inclined than usual to say what they want.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Mr. Telephone Man


So, my phone has not rang in the past 2 days... weird, but not a bad thing. I think it just means that I need this time to myself. Or, maybe I just need some new friends :)

Daily Horoscope

Very iresing...

When you feel that your friends are trying to change your every day life, you shouldn't try to resist it so stubbornly, dear Aquarius. Open up your heart and allow yourself to be led - you will be surprised at the feeling of freedom this brings. You will probably have interesting encounters today that might change your life completely. Get ready for a really exciting day.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Daily Horoscope

I love, love, love this one...

As the dawn of another quiet and peaceful day appears, dear Aquarius, you will be in the best disposition to observe and appreciate the lightness of things. Life can seem so beautiful some days. You will benefit from this state of mind, as you'll be able to meditate. But be careful not to start reminiscing about sad memories.

Table for 1... Please.

Singlehood... it's something that, to most women, is as dreadful as weight gain. But, based on conversations I've had recently, I'm officially going to begin my singlehood celebration in year 27.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Daily Horoscope

I think I feel like this everyday...

Today, dear Aquarius, you will be submerged by a lot of emotions. In a way, you will be visiting your childhood, and you will be very edgy! You will be in the best disposition to analyze your life. You will be able to see if everything around you is where you think it belongs. Try to make the most out of this frame of mind.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Random pick-ups

Yea, there's no room in '09 for these...

You know the ones... where the guy has only laid eyes on you for like 5 minutes, yet he just knows that he needs your #. He approaches you & can't even introduce himself b/c he's in such a rush to get to where he's probably supposed to be... probably w/ his boo; & he drops a halfway charming line, just enough to peek your interest. He calls maybe a day or two later & his 1st date suggestion is watching a movie @ your crib...

But, watch out b/c these guys often disguise themselves as legit suitors... they take you out to dinner once or twice before trying to parlay @ your crib, or asking you to do the same @ theirs...

Nope... I don't need a free meal that bad; keep it moving, homie. & I damn sure don't wanna sit in the house & watch a movie... I can do that alone!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Girls...


So, I've often spoken about the girl in my head... quite honestly, I think there are about 3 of them! The 1st two that I've written about are needy, fearful, & very brash. They want to be in love but their impatience causes them to choose the wrong men. They use detachment as their defense mechanisms... they differ in the fact that #1 tries not to care, but is extremely sensitive, & #2 is the meanest bitch you will ever find in a 5' body, so she really doesn't care. Her pure evil nature will be the death of me or someone else!

Now, #3... the one that is fighting to emerge from the other two, is completely outgoing & optimistic. She doesn't have time to worry or regret b/c she's too busy leading the life that she wants to lead. She's involved in all kinds of extracurriculars, & has a genuine love & thirst for life & all things new.

So, my habitual lethargic nature has been constantly interrupted today by images of all these damn activities that this girl wants to do! & I'm like, "man, that would be fun." I'm envying her life, & she's really me; a part of me... so, I believe she is the one that will rule my '09, b/c I'm tired of those other 2 sad, lonely, mean-spirited bitches!

Lethargic


Sometimes, I believe I'm too lazy for my own good. I'm always thinking, "crap, I have no life." & the minute I go out & get one, I wanna run & hide.


Somehow, my schedule for the week is pretty hectic. I almost believe I have a long-lost twin that's getting me involved in all this crap; & while it's good crap, I can think of nothing better than just going home & enjoying my dear, sweet bum status.


But, I can't do that; b/c it's almost as exhausting as actually having a life. I'm thinking it's just b/c I'm tired as usual, due to lack of sleep. I'm hoping that this energy-stealing critter leaves me soon, so that I can live up to my '09 agenda.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Work-life Balance?

Today was a little rough… I made a mistake on one of my work-papers, & while I’ve seen so many of my other co-workers make mistakes, for me, I feel like it’s different. I always feel like people are judging me because I don’t have the recommended education. I’m sure it could be my own insecurity that’s causing me to think this way; however, I try to stay as humble as possible.

& I find myself wanting to revert back to the fact that I don’t like or care about this gig, but that’s really just a cop out; an escape. Because, truth is, I haven’t found another career that would suite both my financial & personality-related aspirations. So, I can no longer use that excuse.

But, my primary thought is that when I have children, my primary focus will be to teach them the importance of, & how to build a life for themselves. I think it’s frightening that so many people grow up not knowing what their most important purpose is… we spend so much time trying to be happy, but life isn’t about happiness, it’s about doing what’s necessary.

We also spend so much time trying to discover greater meanings to everyday activities, & our experiences. But, I believe if we exerted more energy in getting the simple things right, we would experience more success with the complex things. But, how do you make someone understand this? How do you explain to a young person that simple acts of discipline like reading, studying, or praying will benefit them for the rest of their lives? & not just because they are good things to do, but because the very act of doing them consistently will instill in them an innate skill that will benefit them in everything that they will ever do. How do you warn someone of this before they are even able to fully understand it?

Because now, as I reach year 27, I’m discovering that most of the things that I’ve held true in my life are complete bullshit. I also realize how much better off I would’ve been if my father had a more significant presence in my life as I was growing up.

Daily Horoscope

I wanna make this happen...

Today you could be feeling especially intuitive, dear Aquarius, and more sensitive than usual to unacceptable social and political conditions. Ideas for new goals, perhaps humanitarian in nature, might come to you. You should be in an especially idealistic mood, so you just might come up with some wonderful possibilities that might not be workable at this time. Write your ideas down, then consult with someone else who shares your interests. Then decide how to proceed.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Get In My Belleeeeeeee


This is how I feel right now...


Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Loss = Change

So, I'm feeling rather prolific tonight. As I was getting ready to shower, I had a somewhat epiphanic moment in which I realized that this month... this year, could possibly be one of the hardest of my life. W/ the year already starting w/ a major car repair & home invasion, I'm feeling like things could possibly get worse. & while I know that may be attributed to my habitual negative thinking, I feel like I should brace myself just in case.

Fortunately, my epiphanic moment was not followed by fear, but interest. Specifically b/c, as the title states, "loss = change." I've already made all kinds of promises to myself that I will not be the same in year 27 & thereafter, so I believe in order for this to occur, a lot of things have to change. I'm not totally sure what those things will be, but I'm prepared to believe that they could include anything, including my job.

So, if losing my job, some of my possessions, some of my personality traits, & some of my friends will get me to the person that I'm supposed to be, then I can honestly say that I've never been more ready to let any of those things go.

I'd like to go on & on about how this has nothing to do w/ any sort of spiritual connection, but maybe it does. & while I know I should probably give God all the credit for this moment, I'd like to believe that it's a natural progression of life. God is life & vice versa. & I'd like to believe that I blame neither of them for anything that occurs in particular, esp. bad things; however, as they are intertwined, I believe at some point your growth in them inspires change.

Perhaps I'll pick up that subject on another post... I'd hate to make this any longer than it has to be. The point is that I'm ready to lose.

Year 27

So, year 27 is fast approaching, & I'm scrambling to get sh*t done that I said I wanted to do, not by 27, but just in general. But, here is what I've learned about myself so far, & these are probably some of the things that have hindered me from accomplishing what I'd love to accomplish:

1. I'm an habitual negative thinker... the glass is always half-empty for me, so if it happens to be filled @ some point, it's a pleasant surprise.
2. I'm a constant dreamer/thinker... there is a whole other world inside my head that somehow fails to manifest into real life.
3. I'm not easily motivated... inspirational messages or words only last as long as it takes for someone to speak them or for me to read them; that's probably b/c of #1.
4. I don't have any set goals or desires... everything is relative, & nothing is ever important enough to me to truly commit to; goes back to #3.
5. I'm easily distracted b/c of #2 - 4.
6. I'm not as detail oriented as I once believed; most things fly right over my head, esp. if I don't care about what they relate to.
7. I'm lazier than I thought, & it's b/c of the aforementioned issues.

I reserve the right to update this list @ any time.

So, my goal in year 27 is to abolish this list.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Friendship

I had this deep & meaningful bit to write about how friendship is so important to me when trying to begin a romantic relationship... it really is, but I forgot every last one of the words of that deep & meaningful message. But, I wanted to occupy my space w/ this thought, so there... maybe the words will come back to me later...

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Aqua Child

I just love, love, love reading my profile... kind of full of myself, huh?! Here's some bits & pieces...

Your Moon is in Cancer

On the day you were born, the Moon was in Cancer. Emotionally, you act as a watery sponge who picks up on the vibrations of everyone you come in contact with, both positively and negatively. You can feel the effects of the aura of any place you work, house you live in, or location you go to visit. It is also true that you are a moody person, since your emotional nature ebbs and flows like the Moon-ruled ocean tides.

courtesy of http://www.aquarius-profile.com/:
These people are never money orientated, but they do know how to earn it. You will often find that many Aquarius people have slaved away at a university and earned their degrees only to wind up doing voluntary work in a place no one has ever heard of! The Aquarius often takes on degrees and other such tasks simply to prove that he/she is capable of it. And that is all. They are highly efficient people, if they chose to be.

The Aquarius is just as zany in love as he/she is in any other aspect of his/her life. These people need to be with a person who understands them and boy do they take some understanding. If you enjoy gushing romance, hearts and flowers I suggest that you walk right past the Aquarius. Don’t get me wrong, if an Aquarius loves you then you are very lucky indeed as they don’t give their hearts to just anyone. And even less do they open up to anyone. Very few people know the inside workings of an Aquarius.
Every second with an Aquarius is like living on a different planet and this can be wonderful depending on how you feel about other life forms! I must mention their loyalty. If they have given you their heart then it belongs to you. They will look after you and love you; they will never cheat on you or hurt you. Even when they seem to have lost interest, they haven’t; they are just visiting their home planet somewhere in outer space…they will always come back to where their heart is.

courtesy of http://astrocenter.atrology.msn.com/:

Aquarians present themselves in one of two ways. One on hand, you'll see someone who is shy and quiet. On the other, an Aquarius can be boisterous, eccentric, and energetic. Both are deep thinkers with a love of helping others. Highly intellectual, this is a fiercely independent sign that prizes intuition tempered with logic. Both personality types have an uncanny ability to see both sides of an argument without prejudice, making them excellent problem solvers. While very much attuned to the energies around them, Aquarians have a deep need to take time out alone and away to rejuvenate themselves. The keyword for this sign is imagination. The Aquarian can see a world of possibilities even when there appears to be none.

Friends & Family
Even though Aquarians are great with groups of people, it takes a bit when it comes to making close friends. Deeply sensitive and cautious, closeness means vulnerability to an Aquarius, and this is not something to be taken lightly. Aquarians' direct, no-nonsense approach in combination with their strong values can make it challenging to get to know the inner person. Yet those who are able to do so will discover a friendship that lasts through the years. An Aquarius will go the distance for a loved one to the point of self-sacrifice if necessary. They look for creativity, intellect, and honesty in their friends. When it comes to family, the expectations are no less. Although dedicated to a sense of duty to relatives, the Aquarius isn't one for developing close bonds unless the same qualities they expect in their friendships are there.

Career & Money
Aquarians bring enthusiasm to the work they do, especially when it involves expression. They have an exceptionally high ability to put their imaginative qualities to the task and to think outside the box. Careers that allow for concept development or demonstration can suit this sign well. I know is the key phrase for the Aquarius. High intellect combined with an Aquarius' willingness to share their talents inspires many who work in the same environment. Being visionary types, Aquarians love to engage in careers that aim to benefit humankind in the long-run. When it comes to money, this sign really has a knack for keeping a healthy balance between having the things that they need and putting money away. When they are out shopping, the shiny, glittery, and extravagant will catch their attention even though their homes are generally decorated with great taste. It's not uncommon to find the Aquarius turning heads dressed in daring, brightly colored outfits. Most are well-attuned to their individual sense of style and aren't afraid to show it. Careers that suit the Aquarius are acting, writing, teaching, photography, or piloting. The best environment is one that gives the freedom to tackle the task without a lot of strict guidelines. The Aquarius is unconventional, and given the opportunity to show their true talents, they can perform amazing feats.

Love and Sex
Intellectual stimulation is by far the greatest aphrodisiac for the Aquarian. There's nothing like a lively chat rich in culture and future possibilities to get this sign going. When it comes to love, people best suited are those that are not thrown off by Aquarian frankness. Open, communicative, imaginative, and willing to risk are all qualities that blend well with this sign's perspective on life. Honesty and sincerity are essential for anyone seeking a long-term connection to this dynamic personality.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Cute Girl


It's fun to be the cute girl w/ the cute hair, cute outfit, cute purse, cute car... cute, cute, cute... But, what does it costs besides the obvious purchase price? I mean, what does it cost your future... putting your current desires ahead of what is so much better in your future.

Walking around w/ the latest Louis, while barely able to maintain $20 in your bank account.

What does it cost to attend this event or that one w/ your friends... chillin' in NYC when you're $5K in debt.

I'm not one to judge, b/c I've lived this life for as long as I can remember... so much so, that I've never been able to see my future for trying to escape my past by satisfying my present. & I just wonder how many of us are living this life? How many of us really know how to live life the right way; being patient, & taking the necessary steps to reap the tremendous rewards that await us.

As I dig deeper into '09 & my 20's, I vow to dig deeper into myself, so that those desires of my past are not the desires of my future... so that my "cute girl" image has more weight than just materialistic possessions.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Sour Apples


No matter what does or doesn't happen in my life, I never want to be bitter. I never want to blame anyone for anything that has occurred in my life. It's human nature to want to point the finger @ someone or something when things don't happen as we want them to, but the fact of the matter is that, we have control over our lives. So, if we don't like something, we have the power to change it; & that power is more powerful than any amount of money.


So, there will be no sour apples in my way.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Friday, January 16, 2009

Idiot Box

Watching television has to be one of the most confusing activities I can think of.... I don't do it often, but last night, I found myself caught up in ABC's Thursday night medical line-up, Scrubs, Grey's Anatomy, & Private Practice. & the common theme in each show... broken people trying to find healthy relationships. I found myself wishing I were a doctor, wondering what my life would be like if I were, & fully relating to the broken characters... getting caught up in the fantasy; somehow allowing their situations to persuade me to believe that this brokenness was ok, though I don't believe it is. True, the situations were as realistic as possible; however, what isn't shown is the agony in between the epiphanies & happy-endings... leaving viewers to travel into a place of denial where they believe this agony won't exist, but it definitely does.

Maybe that's why the old-timers called it the idiot box...

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Daisies


Idk why, but daisies popped in my head when I looked @ this here space. I guess I need to spruce it up a bit. So, here goes...

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

No Dose

So, I don't sleep; hardly ever, & there's really no reasonable explanation other than maybe my piss-poor diet. & for the life of me, I wish I could eat better, but the fact is, I hate eating; not in a bulimic way, but in a "food just isn't enjoyable for me" way. Like, I truly wish we lived like the Jetsons where we just ate pills for bl&d... it would kill all the rigmarole that I dread.

& I feel like absolute death today; like someone took an ultraviolet light & shined it in my eyes for like days, sucking all the moisture & life out of them.

& the sad part... I'm too tired to even appreciate sleep right now; like I'm too tired to even want to go to sleep.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Bright Side, Right Side

So... in all of my monotony & complaining, I forgot to disclose that I got a promotion... woohoo!! It would feel much better if I knew that I was one of those people that really fought for it... but, I didn't. But, it's still cool. My goal is to become one of those people; one of those people that don't settle for mediocrity & that gives 100% all of the time.

So, here's to my transition onto the right side.

Deja...

who.??

I'm starting to feel like I say the same things, & probably I'm having the same issues. Everything is so much the same... wth?!

When does the monotony end?! I suppose when I say it does.

Like this post, I feel like I've said this before... good grief.

Feels like that scene in Fight Club, in which Edward Norton gave a pbp on his daily tasks @ work... it was always the same.

Whoa is me. But, on the bright side, I do feel a bit positive... like the monotony will end soon; somehow.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Breathe

Hehehe.... hooooo :)

This is completely random, but just felt like I needed to do that after the previous post... a bit scary; not feeling as overwhelmed now, hoping for a smooth sail in the rest of '09... or maybe just January.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Over...


whelmed.


So, maybe I was too quick to denounce the new year. It seems like it's coming back to bite me in the ass. Or, maybe it's just all the mistakes I made in '08 catching up w/ me in '09. So, @ the start of '09, I find myself in somewhat of the same position I was in @ the beginning of '08, & I'm damned pissed about it... FUCK! But, a change is coming...

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Freedom

I feel like I've used this title before...

But, I'd like to know... where is your freedom? What in your life brings you freedom?

I'm still in search of that thing, & I've realized that all the things that I thought were it, are not... so, I'm still searching.

Aqua Overview

A friend forwarded this to me... dk where it's from.

Year 2009 Overview

Aquarius is all about a new vision in 2009, and working to move our planet toward the highest and healthiest quality of life. You are highly energized with this wonderful alignment, and your inspiration is rekindled to move energy in grandiose ways. You are able to utilize these high frequencies in order to create new structure and value in people's lives.

This is no time to sit back and let anything slip through your fingers. Express yourself and move forward with your visionary ideas. As you forge ahead, you find a reworking of meaning on a deep level, and discover possibilities as you connect with your highest star.

Your ideas have always been ahead of the times, and now you are a shining example of what the Earth force can assimilate into everyday living. You realize that the world was created with structure, and outdated modes of living that no longer serve mankind are being recognized around the world. It's time to let go of anything that holds you back. New thinking is on the horizon, and people are ready to align with the quickly changing energies of the planets. Your leadership skills will help humanity make these shifts, and you will feel supported by those who understand the need to create peace and harmony.

Be inventive in channeling your dreams into reality. As you find a place to manifest this energy, it will become easy for you to usher in a better world. The time to realize your highest ideals is here!

Not really sure how I feel about it... I almost feel like it's too vague; then again, it is for a whole damn year!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy 09?!

So, I didn't do anything exciting for one of the most overrated holidays in existence; I recognized it as just another day, as it should be. I was actually in the drive-thru line @ Whataburger waiting on overpriced chicken tenders! & I'm perfectly ok w/ that.

So, on this 1st day of 2009, I am continuing my celebration ban.

Damn, I sound pretty cynical; perhaps I should stop bitching & become a member of society.