No NY for MY...ers!

NY would be new year's resolution, & I refuse to come up w/ one. I must admit that I have a lot of goals & things planned for 2010, but only b/c I've learned so much in 2009 that I will apply in 2010. 2009 was one of the worst years of my life, & I didn't endure half the crap that most people did. But, it was just a year in which the unexpected was always waiting @ my front door & taking up space in my bed... & as I look back, I could almost shed a tear... I'm actually going to miss 2009... just a little. Why am I going to miss 2009, you ask? Well, b/c the journey has been absolutely beautiful. I am so grateful for 2009. I have learned so much about myself & others, & b/c of that, I will never be able to replace 2009... I almost wish I had more photos to remember 2009... & b/c of 2009, I will forever react differently, more positively, to difficult/crisis-type situations. 2009 gave me serenity, & that's something that you definitely need in this life.

So, I won't disrespect my special relationship w/ 2009 by looking too far ahead into 2010... however, I can't wait to experience 2010 w/ the things that I obtained in 2009.

School is for fools!

I can't even think of a title b/c I'm so pissed... I hate school. @ times like this, I wish I had a trade b/c I promise I would do it over this crap... this is torture. I'm literally getting a migraine from learning. They should have a disclaimer before you enroll in a class that says: "Side effects may include headache, nausea, vomiting, nose bleed, stress, loss of sleep, loss of appetite..." Seriously, I promise I have suffered most of those symptoms @ one point or another today. How I ever finished my 1st degree, I have no freakin' idea. & to think that I'm talking about getting a Master's degree, & was just telling someone that I might get a Doctorate one day... wtf?! They better serve the absolute best cocktails in those doctoral courses, or else, I'm not going to make it...

I could seriously scream or throw something, right now...

Btw, I thought of the title upon completing this here posts!

Some people, some people...

some people really are dreaming...

That song is in my head right now (Nas featuring Kanye West & Chrisette Michele). I really like that song & it is so true. We spend so much time dreaming.

I don't really have anything deep to say, but just wanted to add 2 cents to this here space today.

I Heart...

something!

I find myself annoyed by various things right now. Most notably, people's incessant need to post all of their business on social networking sites (Facebook, specifically)... it's gotten out of control, & I'm totally disgusted by it. But, that's another topic for another day. I had something else on my mind.

The human heart is an amazing muscle. It's as important, if not more important, than the human brain. How fascinating it is to know that these two mechanisms are the key to every relationship we develop (everything we do in life). Our heart is strong enough to pump blood throughout our entire body, but one lie, one disappointment, can make it feel as weak as a damaged flower. Our brain sends signals throughout our body in a matter of nanoseconds, but one lie, one disappointment, can cloud and damage it for years. Knowing these things, one might believe that we would be more considerate of each other. However, those simple facts are taken for granted more than life itself.

How beautiful it is to give and receive love... to think about and know love. But, how horrible it is that we take it for granted... thinking that it's as common as a penny on the street. Maybe it is, but just like those pennies on the street, love is unique & valuable. So, why not pick it up & make it grow; instead of picking it up, & throwing it back down, stepping on it.

Hmm... I was trying to be deep... I don't know, just rambling really. Not in that poetic mood, but definitely feel as if I have something to say... I guess I'm just tired of people shitting on love like it's a damn port-a-potty. Even if you don't want a long-term relationship/friendship w/ someone, respect that person & respect yourself. Respect the institution of love.

The Unknown...

I am a worry wort... I worry about things I'm not even sure of, so much so, that I believe I've completely lost my connection w/ my "gut feeling." The unknown scares me so badly that I create stories in an attempt to make that which is unknown, known... it's horrible, & I'm sick & tired of it! It's exhausting, & most of the time (probably 98.9%) pointless. I'm afraid that I'm going to give myself a damn ulcer if I don't stop. Btw, I am trying to stop. I guess the 1st step in curing the problem is recognizing the problem, & I have done that. The 2nd step is becoming so fed up w/ the problem that you're completely motivated to solve the problem, so I guess that's where I am right now!!!

Pray for me y'all!!! I know I can change!!!

Work it, Girl!

Woohoo!! Someone slapped me on the ass, & got me moving. I'm becoming a workout junkie & I'm loving it... energy in motion!!

Life in motion... I feel a change coming, in so many areas.

Blah, blah, blah

I'm sure I've used that title before, but o well...

Maybe, it's all the commotion over health care, or my virtually lifelong negative energy (only in the sense that I'm a known pessimist), but I'm growing unbelievably tired of people complaining & making excuses... Everyone wants to give their opinion, but no one wants to listen, & no one wants to offer any solutions. & I've never determined if I'm truly a democrat, republican, or independent, but right about now, I'm tired of all of them. I mean, they are carrying on like a hateful divorced couple... attacking & blaming each other @ every turn.

& most upsetting is my people's (Black people) constant need to diagnose & highlight our illnesses as a people. Our children are poor in so many other ways than financially, but no one wants to do anything about it. Hollywood is rushing over to save Africa, when Brooklyn, Harlem, & L.A. are in virtually the same condition.

But, I digress b/c I'm doing the very thing that I'm trying to speak out against!

So, in short... It's time for action, people... & if you don't want to be a solution, then shut up!

Welcome back, My Child.

That's probably what God said to me on Sunday afternoon, as I stepped into a place of worship for the 1st time in probably 6 months or more... no, no, no I'm not an atheist. But, as w/ most things unfortunately, I grew tired of church. The messages are always the same & there always hidden agendas & opinions... but, before I get on my religion-bashing horse, I must say that I really enjoyed reconnecting w/ that part of myself, again. Unfortunately, my a.d.d set in about 10 minutes into the speaker's sermon, but all in all, I enjoyed myself. I'm going to have to work on building up my spiritual tolerance, again, so that I can listen to the message w/o wanting to blow my brains out... that was a bit exaggerated, but you get my point!

Some Kind of -Ology...

Could it be... maybe it's the constant exposure to medical shows & the country's fascination w/ forensics, but, I'm thinking that my next career move will involve medicine. I'm currently in the process of mapping out this move, & health, keeps calling my name. Being the aqua that I am, I'm finding myself piece-mealing different degrees together in hopes that I will make my next move as interesting as my warped logic will allow. So, I'm thinking that my next career title will include " "ology... the study of... something!

Through the Darkness...

I have been in a funk, lately... I know what you're thinking, "You're always in a funk, E." Nah, but this is a different type of funk. I'm not sure how long it's been here, but it's come to a head this week. It's one of those illness-causing, constant headache producing, permanent smile upside down seeking, weight gain mandatory funks. & to spare myself the pity party, I won't go into detail on what could be the cause of the funk... I'm not even sure. But, I think it's just normal life stuff. & as I mature, I am realizing that the best way out of any funk is production... being productive. It's so easy to get caught up in a mood & wallow, but it's the worst thing, EVER. So, I'm glad that I'm learning to push through the bullshit & as I love to say, "keep it moving."

A House Is Not A Home

No, not Luther's rendition!

Tonight, I took pride in my home, & it felt good... like it was mine, & like I wanted people to love it as much as I did.

What did I do, you ask... I washed dishes, vacuumed, washed my front door, & watered my grass... something that I never do. So much so that all my grass is nearly dead. But, I'm hoping w/ a little TLC, water, & fertilizer, it will be as green as the other side, in no time.

Bills, bills, bills...

Would someone please pay my bills!? Just for a few months... say, 'til august!? Sugar Daddy, Sugar Daddy, Sugar Daddy... where for art thou, Sugar Daddy!?

Shopaholics Anonymous

I will not spend money. I will not spend money. I will not spend money... if I say that 3 times fast, will that cure me!

Whoa is me. I made out a pretty budget & everything. & I think it would have actually worked if I hadn't bought that cute top from Forever 21, then there was food & drinks @ Boudreaux's... totaling a whopping $50. Isn't that sad... I don't have 50 damn dollars to spare... this shit has got to give... WTF!? But, it's my own fault. I'm in a world of debt, which eats up most of monthly. So, my life is currently in the hands of my debt... sigh.

But, the moral of this here sad story is that it could be worse. So, I'm going to smile in the face of adversity & my own stupidity, knowing that one day soon, very damn soon, I'm going to concur this foolishness.

She is me...

So, somewhere along the way this year, I lost connection with the girl in my head again, or we just fell out... I didn't really get the memo. 6 months into the year, I realize that I haven't accomplished anything on my "to-do" list, & for no other reason than pure laziness. & that's mostly because I've truly realized how hard it is to change... How hard it is sometimes to just get up & do something. & for this reason, I'm the worst procrastinator that I know. But, there's a bright spot... I start ballet this Wednesday, so let's pray that this opens the door for me & this girl becoming the best of friends... She should be my best friend... After all, she is me!

Untitled & Unfinished...

I love you & it scares me
I love you & I'm just starting to understand why
I love you & I'm just starting to understand how
I love you & I pray that we have more time.

But, how do I set aside my own desires so that we continue to grow separately & jointly
How do I learn to say no to something/someone that I want so severely
How do I begin to trust a heart & a person that has betrayed me w/o merit
How do I forgive & forget about the past when it's continuously affecting our present.