Insomniac Montage

For the record, I chose that title b/c as you'll read, below, I'm suffering from insomnia tonight, & I wrote about quite a few topics, so I had no idea what to title this damn thing hence montage.

I have a terrible case of insomnia. I'd fallen asleep around 11pm, but knew that tonight wouldn't be a good night for beauty rest. I was trying out a gumbo recipe & couldn't get the roux right, which severely pissed me off, especially since I've made roux before. But, I don't know if it was b/c I was tired or in a rush... whatever it was, the cooking gods were not smiling down on me. & what was even more frustrating is that I'm trying to cease the frivolous spending, especially on food, but now I have no choice but to spend money on lunch for the 3rd day in a row :(.

During nights like this, I wish I could just go to 24 & release all of my aggression on an elliptical or treadmill machine. However, I'm severely frightened about leaving my house during the "wee" hours of the night b/c nothing good every happens during this time. & it would be just my luck that I get snatched up by some deranged criminal all b/c I needed to release some steam @ 4am.

So, what's been keeping me up all night? Decisions, decisions, decisions... & waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm not a patient person by any means, nor am I very optimistic. I pride myself on being as realistic as possible; however, most times the realism turns into negative thinking. As I'm sure I've shared before, I often wonder if it would be more beneficial for me to be more optimistic. However, each time that I try, it feels awkward & forced, & that little voice in my head always finds a valid reason for why optimism should be thrown out the window. So, am I causing myself more harm than good??? I don't know. & I suppose to put forth the effort in trying, would be a step outside the old, tattered, brown box.

But, how dare I think that what I want to happen will really happen... does that even work, or does that produce the delusional souls that I, so often, encounter. I don't know.

I heard someone use that cliche phrase about how the race isn't won by the swift... blah, blah, blah... I suppose this thing is called "journey" for a reason b/c every time something pushes you down & makes you fall, you have to dust your old, tired knees off & get back up again... But, I'm tired... can't I sit out this one lap?! Quite honestly, I've sat out for several laps over the years... I'm the runner that approached the track w/ a slow & steady pace... opting for stamina, or pure laziness, over speed & flare. However, all the other runners have left me in the wind, & while I guess I've enjoyed the scenery, I didn't enter this damn thing just to see some damn scenery...

Yep, this was a montage... just like that damn gumbo.