New Year's... sigh

So, I know most people are all excited about new year's, but I'm not. I'm not ready for another year of failed expectations & aspirations. I most definitely WILL NOT engage in the whole resolution campaign, or celebrate @ some overpriced party full of people that I will never see again.

So, on January 1, 2009 @ 12:00 a.m., I'll probably be sleep, but if not, I will definitely toast to a year full of shit that is supposed to happen...

Area Code

Maybe it's the new year that is swiftly approaching, or just my constant discontentment, but I'm thinking about changing the name of this here space... not sure what the new addy should be, though.

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

I've kind of forgotten all about this here space... cyberspace in general. Once again, my a.d.d is on the prow. I don't think I'll ever be satisfied w/ anything; whether it be my career, financial status, hair, clothes, & the list could go on. So, I've all but given up on trying to search for the pieces that are supposed to fill in my self-created gaps. So, the only thing left to do is to appreciate each day like it's my last, whether everything I want to happen happens or not. I have no positive outlook, I have no negative outlook... all I can do is lookout.

It's My Party...

& I'll cry if I want to.

So, my a.d.d. has set in again, & like so many times before, I've neglected this little space... mostly b/c I haven't been inspired by anything. Not that there haven't been interesting things going on lately, but I'd resided to just hold some things in, & I still am... just one of those periods where I'm not really in the mood to communicate.

Anywho, back to the title of the post... I allowed something very minute, but that had extremely serious undertones, to upset me tonight... culminated w/ other recurring events, I was led to a full 15 minute cry-fest. Afterwards, I went for a run. & now, I feel very good.

So, that's my 2 cents... sometimes a good cry is worth the dry, red eyes that come afterwards.

To be continued...

when I'm inspired by something truly thought-provoking.

Kanye's Workout Plan

This was one of my favorite songs on his 1st release, & now I find myself really needing to find my own plan. I'm getting too close to 30 to stop now. I'm one of the very few women on this earth that absolutely loves her body. I don't look the greatest in a bathing suit (I don't know how to swim anyway... it's on my to-do list), but I love it in most anything else. & unlike most women, food is not my hustle. Most times, I loathe food. However, the down-side is that the little that I do eat is hardly ever healthy. But, what is this thing called healthy, & where do I find it?? I incorporated oatmeal into my morning routine; however, lunch & dinner kill my progress every time. Today's choice.... spicy chicken sandwich w/ cheese & fries from Wendy's for lunch & Pringles & a Bud Light for dinner... I know the last choice is completely despicable, but they're my favorite chips & my favorite beer, & as always, I'm not really hungry!

So, people... help me out. I gotta keep this self-love moving. I damn sure don't wanna enter the next couple years w/ increasingly bigger thighs... I think I've already reached my max for my miniature frame.

So... HELP!

Ahhhhhh...

a sigh of relief. I'll be done w/ the client that has ruined my chi for the past couple weeks. & I have fallen in love again w/ XXI (Forever 21, for you out of touch readers!) But, I love that store b/c I'm broke & will be for a while, so while I love love love Diane Von Furstenburg, BCBG, YSL, Gucci, & all the others that I can't afford... ding ding ding, that's just it, I can't afford them. So, I'll happily rock my $20 knock-off & look as fly as the wanna-be video/fly chics.

Anywho, that's beside the point... my stars are realigning.

Star-light, star-bright

Feeling a bit starry-eyed tonight... been going back & forth lately on this thing we call love. & I find it so soothing that no matter how my relationships have turned out, I can still remember the moments in which I felt those feelings for each person, & when they felt the same feelings for me. & while it might seem strange, I cherish it, & it kind of helps me look forward to the next.

Sadly, I can also still see where things went wrong... but, I kind of feel like each situation is bringing me closer to who I'm supposed to be w/. Each person is a deeper representation of the final act, & each time I'm perfected so that things will really work out...

Blah... I don't know if I'm making sense, but hopefully he'll see my light.

Passion

What are you passionate about?

I think I'm tired of the cliche, "I'm passionate about life" answer. While that's not a bad thing, I think I'd like to find one concrete thing that I'm passionate about... a hobby, a career... something. This week has been so draining emotionally, & work was the main culprit. But, it seems like I have no other options right now, so it's like, what am I supposed to learn in my current position, like "why am I here," & "how long will I have to be here?"

So, I'm still searching for my passion. Hopefully, it won't hide from me much longer.

Calgon

or something, please take me away. Funny, I've never used Calgon; does it work? I don't even remember what it is... bubble bath, right? I don't like bubble baths, I'd rather a hot shower. I am soooo rambling right now, but after a long day, I'm loving the mindless thought showers.

My President, My Inspiration

Beauty

So, I realized that I had several conversations w/ myself today (see previous post for clari on wth I'm talking about!).... & one of them was about beauty. I feel like I need to write a piece about this one, but it hasn't all come to me, yet. Anywho, lately, I've been questioning beauty & what it means to be beautiful, & how important or unimportant compliments are. I must say, I enjoy receiving them; however, sometimes, they can be a little nerve-recking. That sounds so extremely conceded, but I promise I'm not! But, it's like every guy I meet is infatuated w/ this thing or that thing about me, & I just get tired of hearing the same old sh*t... I mean, really. & usually, it's about my body, which is quite honestly, the most annoying of all b/c you know what, all they're doing is having some 2-minute fantasy @ my expense. I'm near the point of charging for my services. Not to mention, I'm really scared that by the time I get to the person that I'm supposed to be w/, I'll be desensitized like a male gynecologist. His compliments won't even matter b/c so many other losers have stolen his joy. I've completely rambled, but this has really bothered me lately.

Then it's like, what does it even mean to be beautiful, or to have this attribute or that one?? None of them really separate you from the next b/c if he likes those things enough, then he'll most certainly find it in someone else. So, you're in no better position than the next random chic... huh, I'm tired from just thinking of all this trash. I wish I would've just written the damn poem, then I wouldn't be rambling so... o well, I'll get to it one day. Perhaps this is a little brainstorming.

Speechless

Dangit, I had this real deep, thought-provoking conversation w/ myself earlier (yes, conversation w/ myself!), & I said, "I gotta write that sh*t down." Low & behold, I forgot the entire thing... shoot, shoot, shoot. Sometimes, having a bad memory really bites me in the ass!

Oscar the Grouch

It's still early, but I'm extremely grumpy right now; one of those days when I just wanna stay in bed & not be a participant in my life. I hope this mood subsides, or things could get real ugly. Maybe I should contact Cookie Monster, maybe some cookies & milk will do the trick!

Namaste

My 1st yoga class is today, it's bittersweet b/c I'm extremely sleepy this morning, so I would love to relish extra hours in my bed. But, I have high hopes for the addition of yoga into my life. My biggest goal... more flexibility, loosening up my muscles. So many have told me that I'm uptight, so I'm hoping that yoga will loosen my mind & body.... so, I guess I should start w/ the loosening now, I have about 3 hours til start time... Namaste, namaste, namaste. Btw, what does that really mean?!

@ a loss...

for words for the moment, & looked thru some past words spoken only to find that they don't reflect who I am right now... damn that writer's block!

O well, not like I have a huge fan base! But perhaps all this gibberish is preparing me for my future, or... it could be worth something one day... ha!

Haphazard

Can you ever truly know someone?? I feel like people always present themselves as who they want to be & not who they really are... & what if they never even become who they want to be?

My 2nd Hero... after my papa, of course!

My New Obsession

As if I need another... By: my most fabulouso cousin, BMW a.k.a Cris Monay.

My Alterego - Part 2

She sits in a corner booth, alone.
Smoke filling her air, as dark as the eyes staring from underneath long, layered bangs
She relishes the solitude that she knows all too well
Loving the opportunity to get to know those that will never know her
How refreshing it is to sit amongst a room full of people & go unnoticed
Body language & facial expressions tell a story that words never will
Her body language, her facial expression, as unreadable as Chinese literature to an American tourist
Those that look her way are greeted w/ eyes that speak evil & they quickly turn back to their superficial conversations
Her mind & hormones sway w/ the music
It’s the only sanity she recognizes in the room
She takes turns sipping dark liquor & puffing, slowly & methodically
Very few suitors have approached, & those that have, have fumbled over their words so, that she lost patience w/ them two sentences into their claim
She’ll know him when she sees him
He’ll know her when he sees her
He’ll approach w/ little hesitation
He’ll take control of the conversation far before she has the chance to turn away
Her one word answers won’t sway him b/c he knows it’s a front
& then he’ll sit, uninvited
& when she smiles, they’ll both know
But, he didn’t come
So, she quickly conjures up a plan b
She’ll call those that have been neglected yet still feening for her
She likes the control but will relinquish it if it causes annoyance
There’s really only one that matters
Years, tears, & lies, have gone by & still they remain
On limited & sometimes strained terms
But, still they remain
& it has worked best this way
He’s pretended monogamy & she’s shunned it
She maintains a constant tri-month rotation, but he has what others wish they could have
She gave it to him w/o wanting, w/o control
Something she never intended to do
Something she would never do again
He’d given her all that she’d planned to attain from another
Love, friendship, passion, sensuality, sexuality, compassion, guidance, support, lies
& even another piece of him, a namesake
As engaging & heart-stopping as their union had been
An ironic reminder of where her life had gone
But no love lost all the same
So, she called him last, expecting the disappointment that often came w/ their arrangement
An arrangement that was filled w/ as much love as a young college couple
They’d tried the monogamy, had discussed taking the walk
But, realized that it would never work b/c neither could give the other what they truly desired, which neither really knew what that was
She wanted to explore the world, but he only talked about it
W/ him, she couldn’t accomplish this, b/c he was her world
Making him happy would be who she would become
& he loved her too much to take that away from her
She was often tormented into illness & mental insanity when w/ him
The darkness that surrounded their union fought w/ her still innocent spirit
So many of those times ran thru her mind as the phone rang
He didn’t answer, not a surprise, but a blow to her heart
Moments later, the phone rang, one of her newly recruited, unsatisfying prospects
He wasn’t the best, but he would do for this night
He was available, & she was lonely, & heated
Thinking of the one she really wanted had sent her into uncontrollable ecstasy
She would give the replacement half of what she would’ve given him
She couldn’t give him all, never would, to anyone
All was his
They met @ his house, he wasn’t allowed @ hers
Never would be
She didn’t waste time b/c she knew if she thought about it long enough, she would cry
She would feel the pain, the rejection, the loss
So, she blocked the memories as she had so many times before, & gave what she could
Once she got hers, she made sure his was quick & stealth
She knew his buttons, & had no desire to give anymore than she had to
He arrived quickly & violently, & she made sure to ignore his satisfying spasms b/c if she didn’t, she’d probably vomit
Just as she had so many times before, she quickly gathered her things, dressed, & vanished
just as quickly as he’d came
It was still early, just after 10
She picked up her namesake & was made whole again
She looked @ him as she always did, as if it were her first time laying eyes on him
Brown eyes just like his pro-creator
Skin color that was such a perfect mixture of mahogany, that neither could take credit
Wavy hair, as if he’d been given to an Indian surrogate after conception
She loved him, she adored him, & she’d die for him
She didn’t look @ him resenting her past
She didn’t spend moments crying over what could have been
She was thankful
She was fulfilled.

Aimless

ly surfing the 'net, yet I feel like I'm in the midst of zen.

Btw, "in the midst" has found its way in my thoughts a lot lately...

Facebook, MySpace, & Me

So, I have been an opponent of these social sites for as long as I could... I must admit that I have a MySpace page but there's abs nothing on it. &, now I'm on Facebook, & I've actually put stuff on there.

Why have I been against these social innovators?? B/c their purpose & use have been misconstrued & abused so much that they've now become G-rated porn sites... maybe not Facebook, but most certainly MySpace.

Not to mention, I'm usually about going against the grain, but sometimes grains are so bad. I guess it won't kill me.

The Devil

Who is the devil??

This is what I believe:

The devil is that part of you that is fearful, resentful, impatient, selfish, unconscious, & disconnected from God.... your emotions & your ego. The Devil is not some supernatural force, or a big red beast. Your devil is you & my devil is me.

My spiritual counselor spoke from Romans 8: "...everything works for the greater good."

Is it that everything works for the greater good, or is it just that God is present in every situation? Meaning that the devil resides in you & when you listen to that part of yourself, the God in you is activated; called & comes to save you from yourself... you are awakened in the midst of your unconsciousness. You are reconnected to God in the midst of your bad decisions b/c He never leaves you. The devil resides in you, but so does God, & your God side is your more powerful side, it is who you really are, it is where/how you find & fulfill your purpose. God is who you really are.

God allows you to make those bad & unconscious decisions b/c He knows that He can pull you out of them, & sometimes He knows that you need to endure them to be awakened. God never leaves you, nor does he leave you confused or misguided. God is certainty. God is peace, serenity.

There is no need to go searching for what's already in you & there is no reason to blame other people, the devil, or other spirits for your wrongdoing... but, you have to awaken to your real self, to the God w/in you to be found, redeemed, & accountable for the mistakes in your life.

Peace of Mind

Still in bum status... But, I've had several posts about my battle w/ incessant thinking & while it's something that I struggle w/, never has it been so severe that it has caused me to lose my mind. I lay here remembering that I've heard of 3 incidents this weekend in which someone has lost their mind; the murderer of Jennifer Hudson's family members, a close family member of mine who struggles w/ mental illness, & a young man in Houston who killed his fiance, her mother, & younger sister.

So, in this moment, I'm not only thankful that I am not my incessant thinking, but also that I have peace of mind even in the midst.

Bum Status

So, my bed has kidnapped me once again... it's soooo comfy. I believe I'm married to it. I know, this is all completely random, but I have absolutely nothing to say; just wasting time before a halloween party that I'm set to attend... losing motivation to attend w/ each second that passes by. But, I actually bought a costume; really cute too, so it'd be a waste if I didn't go.

I'm going, I'm going, I'm going.... that made Dorothy's dream come true, right!

Btw

When I was younger, I looooooved taking pictures. My favorite pose was standing w/ my hands on my hips or sitting w/ my legs crossed.

As time has passed, I can't remember the last time I took a random picture. I mean, I'll strike a pose @ events, but, during just random acts of living... nah. So, I gotta get on it, & I gotta put something on here; more than my sometimes aimless rambling... like now!

So, coming soon to a blog near you!

The Real Me... The Real You

Who is that???

This has been the topic of discussion in church this week.... based on the premise that there are 3 you's: the you that others see, the you that you see, & the real you. So, we're all in a quest to find "the real me."

While most people came up w/ all these adjectives that would define their "real" or "new" self, I could only think of two, spirit & freedom.

I wanna be spirit, not a spirit, b/c I am already a spirit; there is a spirit that lies w/in me, & that's what/who I want people to know. I want freedom from every definition known to man. I am not of this group or that one. More specifically, I am a spirit of God, & God is everything, & so am I, but everything is not definitive.

Seems like I'm turning into a broken record. But, while everyone is on a search to find themselves, how about we all stop trying to attach ourselves to this or that & just be... random, if you like!

P.S.

So, my untamed self (the part of me that is never satisfied) wants to take a mini vacay... I have no dollars, the economy is shot to hell, & most of all, I haven't fully discovered & appreciated my own fabulous city. Houston has my heart, I believe I'll forever be connected for some reason. Yet, I know as much about it as a frequent flyer that passes thru. But, I always feel like I need to leave it in order to appreciate it. I also always feel like I'm missing something, like I have another life to live somewhere else before I settle here. (different day, different post!)

On my many trips to Chi & Atl, I always think to myself, "Houston has this," but I rarely delve into the things in Houston that I enjoy in those places.

So, I think I need to find a way to calm my broke-ass, untamed self down, & make a commitment to appreciate Houston like I appreciate the others.... note to self!

When I Grow Up

When is it time to let go of your dreams?

Earlier, I was trying to determine what I wanted to be when I grew up... the only thing I could recall was fashion designing.

Most of my astrology readings say that I'm a dreamer... I've realized that the fashion designing thing was just that. I went thru a few hoops to try to get there, but unlike those that truly grab hold & never let go of their dream, I nursed my dream w/ the detached love of a stepmother to a stepchild. It was nothing more than chemical reactions in my brain, making me feel good; making me believe that I could be this thing that I'd never even trained to be; that I'd never sacrificed for. Most important, I didn't know how to draw, not to mention, sew. So, as the clock ticked, my dream lay dormant, as I aimlessly navigated thru most of my years in school.

Now, though I still have love for fashion & those that truly have the "gift," I find that its superficial make-up doesn't speak to my spirit. So, in essence, that leaves me dreamless.

I have no dream. I'm Martin's nemesis. That's a bit dramatic, but it sounds so poetic!

But, the truth is, as I grow, I no longer feel lost, I am no longer attached to dreams... I am not my dreams. So, there is no regret for failed manifestation.

So, what were/are your dreams?

Electric Relaxation

One of my favorite songs by A Tribe Called Quest is "Electric Relaxation." The hook says it all, "relax yourself girl, be settled down." @ various times, I've heard this song, feeling like the subject..... this week has been one of those times, especially today. & I'm starting to get tired of myself, like "girl, calm the hell down!"

So, until I really figure this out, I think I'll try yoga.

Who is your God?

This would come on a Sunday morning....

I recently had a reading affair with Parable of the Sower by Octavia E. Butler, which is about a young black girl's quest to find a better life in the late 2020's, & to create a new religion called Earthseed, that is based on the concept that "God is change."

I found it extremely easy to get caught up in this mythical religion; however, as my mind has had time to settle the knowledge attained from this book & others, & from my own perceptions, I wonder who my God is, & do I really want to define Him. I'm quickly learning that my God may not be the God in the Bible. My God isn't Buddha or the Virgin Mary. As a matter of fact, I don't think my God wants me to define him b/c if I tried, I wouldn't understand Him; moreover, I would belittle His existence.

The truth is that, I see my God in all religions; I see myself in all religions b/c my God resides w/in me; He is me & I am Him.

It's very hard to not have this conversation w/ most people, & to not get angry @ Sunday sermons... I find most churches today completely spiritually-defeating & co-dependent. We are told when & how to praise. We are made to believe that our bad decisions are caused by "the devil." True enough, some of us need this type of structure; however, that should not cause us to ridicule & reject those that don't; those that are able to tap into their spirit w/o rehearsed assistance; those that feel God's presence more on a daily basis, than on Sunday.

What would happen if church stopped being held on Sunday?? What if it were held on a different day each week?? Would we become more conscious of our daily behavior, & stop saving Sunday as our "holy day?" Could we possibly become more in tune w/ the spirit that resides in us daily?

God is change. God is love... God is everything.

Each day is new, each moment is opportunity, each person is God. -EKM

Nico Movement

Every time I get a little stressed or upset, I have a vision of myself, in my head, puffing on a cigarette. & in some kind of subconscious way, it relaxes me, or allows me to want to regain control of whatever situation I'm in. It's like I envision this as a source of power, this puffing on my cigarette, nonchalantly.

Low & behold, I detest cigarettes. I was all about the "Truth"commercials. Yet, here I am beginning to fall prey to the old-school cigarette ads in which they represented sexiness & power.

So, am I to become a part of the nicotine life, the "nico movement?"

Kindred Spirit

Funny how you meet these scarce souls, & you never wanna let them go. But most times, their time in your life is as sporadic as a shooting star. & you know when you've encountered one b/c you know that your journey is their journey. & though you all may never see one another again, for the brief moment that you all shared, life stood still & made sense.

The Analogy of a Massage

I went & got a massage last night & for some reason, I could not relax for the 1st half of it. My mind was everywhere.... what I needed to do for the week, what my life was really about, my dating life or lack there of. & in the midst of all this thinking, I began getting frustrated. Mostly b/c I wasn't benefiting from its sole purpose.... relaxing.

So, I then began to think, "I've felt this way before, but when?" & it immediately hit me like a brick.... during relationships, during sex, even.

Various moments in my life w/ various people, I lay numb, unfulfilled, dissatisfied.

As I lie on my back, while the masseur rubbed his hands quickly over my skin, I thought about the few men that have come into my life hastingly trying to reach their goal, trying to get me where they are, or where they think I want to be. I thought about how many times I've lied on my back as someone received a pleasure that didn't include me, & didn't consult me. I compared the best to the worst & realized that in the end, I was always giving when I was supposed to be the receiving, I was supposed to be the customer; I was supposed to be the focal point, but never felt like I was. I was cheated, but couldn't get a refund!

Once the massuer switched to my backside, pleasure came from every angle. My body came alive, but I was relaxed. I realized that looking down, or if you wanna get blunt, on top.... that's when I can receive pleasure & provide pleasure; that's when I have control. I even thought face forward, rather than lying down or back turned, that's when I'm able to take any situation head-on & be in control. He moved to my back, which is always so tight, that most massage therapists have to literally dig their elbows into it. & I had to encourage him to go deeper, slower; often more pleasurable when making love! & once he was done, I felt freer, looser, than I'd felt in a long time.

Once I dressed, he thanked me & said, "You have a very high tolerance for pain." & I thought about the various times that I've felt unspeakable, crippling pain; pain that has weakened me to temporary paralysis, I've recovered to find that I've come out lighter, wiser, eager, more confident, fulfilled, & whole.

Quote for the Day

Love w/o fear, but stay true to yourself....

Know Thy Self??

I discovered that I don't know myself. I discovered that I have no idea what I want & where I'm going. I discovered that w/ each day a new hope, a new desire is birthed.... not lasting long enough for me to build a meaningful anything. I discovered that I'm lost & may never be found....

The Perfect Day....

when you're not consumed by thought, when you're not rushing around trying to feel the day w/ meaningless activities, when the actions or lack their of from others don't matter, when you're thankful for & enjoy every minute.

....when you're able to just be.

Fortuitous

Sounds deep, doesn't it?!

Haha, nope.... just an expensive synonym for random!

Anywho, I have no idea why I have this blog. Initially, I wanted it to be all meaningful & maybe even political, but being inundated w/ so much information throughout the day, I decided it would be my haven for my completely aimless & sometimes meaningless thoughts.... I hope someone besides me will enjoy them! If not, o well!

Blah... on the verge of melancholy

So, I was gonna say that my mood is somewhat melancholy today. But, when I looked up its definition on dictionary.com to be sure it fit, it turned out to be such a dreadful word. So, I'm just blah; neither here nor there; neither upset nor overjoyed.... right smack dab in the middle, & fighting off any signs of extended glee & extended gloom.

So.... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

Contingencies

So, I woke up feeling sooooooo good this morning; as if I'd just come from a spa retreat or something. I had this spectacular outlook on the day; excited about the things that I needed to get done, even the little stuff like grocery shopping. But then, my good ole' personal Fox News Channel started running thru all these past events trying to remind me of all the reasons that I couldn't be happy. It was like my brain was saying, "Yea, you're happy, but not fully b/c all of this is going on." But like I said in LIG It, "your thoughts & emotions can only live when you believe them." So, I rejected my mental contingency plan for happiness, & decided that, I am not my thoughts, but I am happy!

Are Cats Next?!

So, I think I wanna take up gardening; old lady ish, right?! But, I figure that I wanna take pride in my home as much as I take pride in myself. After all, my home is a reflection of me, right? Btw, it seems so strange for me to have this thought, as I'm only 26, & supposed to be "in my prime." Anywho, so my yard looks like complete crap right now, & I just went out for all of 5 minutes to pick up some trash & water the already deteriorating grass, but in the few minutes that I took to get to know my lawn, it was rather calming. They say gardening is one of the most calming hobbies.

Random thought: Is it vain to want to indulge in gardening? Like, the fact that I want my house to be a reflection of me; is that vain??

I don't know, but @ whatever rate, I kind of hate that I missed the chance @ being a 50's girl; when home ec was required & gardening was as normal as baking an apple pie. I think it's cool to be a modern, independent woman. But unfortunately, we've had to sacrifice a lot of the skills & qualities that our grandmothers & mothers took so much pride in. How many of us know how to make homemade biscuits??? I know I don't! But, must we sacrifice our feminine virtues & hobbies to be deemed equal to men???

So, in my quest to "beautify my home," am I soon to become the old lady who has like 8 cats?! Or, can I be a stiletto-wearing, Mui Mui toting, career woman, that just so happens to love gardening & knows how to make homemade biscuits?!


Note to self: Learn how to make homemade biscuits!

LIG It

So....... I know the term is old, but it's been one that I've adopted these past couple days. I've realized that I've been held in somewhat of the same position by the same situation all year long. So this past Friday, I decided to "LIG It!" & it's worked out wonderfully well, thus far.

Thought: What would it be like to go through an entire day w/o thought??

I have no idea what this would be like, as my brain is a personal, Fox News Channel. There's not a nanosecond that goes by in which my brain isn't processing some completely random thought. So, to counteract this busy monster, each time I'm confronted w/ such random thoughts, I tell my brain, "let it go." Though, it seems strange to hear myself repeat this phrase @ various moments throughout the day, sometimes w/in seconds, it nips that thought in the bud. To the point where it's nearly trained to "switch channels" to something more productive, w/o me having mention my new mantra.

B/c the fact of the matter is, "your thoughts & emotions only live when you believe them." (taken from The Four Agreements - Companion Book)

So, how about we all just "LIG It," before December 31st comes & we're making the same hopeless promises to ourselves.

Just Being Random.....

So, I really hate when I post something & then find that I need to post something else! But, I had a very frustrating situation occur today in which I found out that a person I'd been communicating w/ was the person that I thought they were. Meaning, I'd had uneasy feelings about this person immediately after 1st meeting them; I immediately knew that they would be someone that I couldn't trust. I always felt like they were frontin'.... like they were trying to persuade me to believe they were a better person or friend than they actually were...... & sure enough, I was totally proven right today. Thankfully, I can find joy in the fact that I didn't allow them so far into my life that it would be hard to remove them.

So, know that you can trust yourself, if no one else.

Lying is only necessary when you're trying to get something that you know you shouldn't have.
- EKM

My Alterego - Part 1

I am not the girl in my head
She doesn't even know me
She's defined me based on the definitions of others
She lives in fear of them
She lives to please them
She lives hating them
She lives not knowing how to understand them
I am not her, & she's not me
But she draws me in w/ shallow desires
I'm held captive by objects I've never known
I'm held captive by poison
B/c she longs for the touch of the one that holds no regard, no concern
Her need to belong is so great that she'd cause me destruction
She doesn't care about me, just as the other lost souls
So, how do I disconnect from her?
How do I shed her skin so that there's only my skin
How do I become the girl that I'm really supposed to be
In this misery, I've learned that this is the human struggle
This is the disease that leads so many to self-destruct
Leading to every ism that corrodes our bodies
We seek peace in every other place b/c we can't find it w/in
So, I am not the girl in my head, & she's not me
But, maybe she should be.

Free

If I wear my hair down, does that make me free
If I travel the world, am I free
If I let go of all of my ambitions & inhibitions, am I free
If I redefine myself, am I free
If I let go of my past, am I free
If I embrace my future
If I embrace my faith
If I become aware
I am free.

Invisible

Today I feel invisible.... like no one sees me or hears me. & then I wonder why it even matters. But, the truth is, who wants to be alone in this world? & @ the same time, I pity those people who recruit random people into their lives to feel validated. So, in that moment, I decide to rebel against the system & baste in my loneliness, to embrace it like a shield. But like any ego, I look forward to tomorrow when I recover from this self-defeating moment, & fill my day w/ meaningless activities that are supposed to speak to my greater purpose; in which I'm still not sure of.... & in the middle of this self-searching moment, I get an ego-driven confirmation from someone that I care for deeply, someone that could potentially be the cause of this tumultuous moment that I'm experiencing. But, am I validated by this confirmation, is my day made better? Have I overcome those previous feelings? Not really b/c I know that my contentment, my life, can't be based on the actions of others. So, in this moment, I pick myself up & start over again.