I went & got a massage last night & for some reason, I could not relax for the 1st half of it. My mind was everywhere.... what I needed to do for the week, what my life was really about, my dating life or lack there of. & in the midst of all this thinking, I began getting frustrated. Mostly b/c I wasn't benefiting from its sole purpose.... relaxing.
So, I then began to think, "I've felt this way before, but when?" & it immediately hit me like a brick.... during relationships, during sex, even.
Various moments in my life w/ various people, I lay numb, unfulfilled, dissatisfied.
As I lie on my back, while the masseur rubbed his hands quickly over my skin, I thought about the few men that have come into my life hastingly trying to reach their goal, trying to get me where they are, or where they think I want to be. I thought about how many times I've lied on my back as someone received a pleasure that didn't include me, & didn't consult me. I compared the best to the worst & realized that in the end, I was always giving when I was supposed to be the receiving, I was supposed to be the customer; I was supposed to be the focal point, but never felt like I was. I was cheated, but couldn't get a refund!
Once the massuer switched to my backside, pleasure came from every angle. My body came alive, but I was relaxed. I realized that looking down, or if you wanna get blunt, on top.... that's when I can receive pleasure & provide pleasure; that's when I have control. I even thought face forward, rather than lying down or back turned, that's when I'm able to take any situation head-on & be in control. He moved to my back, which is always so tight, that most massage therapists have to literally dig their elbows into it. & I had to encourage him to go deeper, slower; often more pleasurable when making love! & once he was done, I felt freer, looser, than I'd felt in a long time.
Once I dressed, he thanked me & said, "You have a very high tolerance for pain." & I thought about the various times that I've felt unspeakable, crippling pain; pain that has weakened me to temporary paralysis, I've recovered to find that I've come out lighter, wiser, eager, more confident, fulfilled, & whole.
2 comments:
that was a good story.
Thank you!
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