Contingencies

So, I woke up feeling sooooooo good this morning; as if I'd just come from a spa retreat or something. I had this spectacular outlook on the day; excited about the things that I needed to get done, even the little stuff like grocery shopping. But then, my good ole' personal Fox News Channel started running thru all these past events trying to remind me of all the reasons that I couldn't be happy. It was like my brain was saying, "Yea, you're happy, but not fully b/c all of this is going on." But like I said in LIG It, "your thoughts & emotions can only live when you believe them." So, I rejected my mental contingency plan for happiness, & decided that, I am not my thoughts, but I am happy!

Are Cats Next?!

So, I think I wanna take up gardening; old lady ish, right?! But, I figure that I wanna take pride in my home as much as I take pride in myself. After all, my home is a reflection of me, right? Btw, it seems so strange for me to have this thought, as I'm only 26, & supposed to be "in my prime." Anywho, so my yard looks like complete crap right now, & I just went out for all of 5 minutes to pick up some trash & water the already deteriorating grass, but in the few minutes that I took to get to know my lawn, it was rather calming. They say gardening is one of the most calming hobbies.

Random thought: Is it vain to want to indulge in gardening? Like, the fact that I want my house to be a reflection of me; is that vain??

I don't know, but @ whatever rate, I kind of hate that I missed the chance @ being a 50's girl; when home ec was required & gardening was as normal as baking an apple pie. I think it's cool to be a modern, independent woman. But unfortunately, we've had to sacrifice a lot of the skills & qualities that our grandmothers & mothers took so much pride in. How many of us know how to make homemade biscuits??? I know I don't! But, must we sacrifice our feminine virtues & hobbies to be deemed equal to men???

So, in my quest to "beautify my home," am I soon to become the old lady who has like 8 cats?! Or, can I be a stiletto-wearing, Mui Mui toting, career woman, that just so happens to love gardening & knows how to make homemade biscuits?!


Note to self: Learn how to make homemade biscuits!

LIG It

So....... I know the term is old, but it's been one that I've adopted these past couple days. I've realized that I've been held in somewhat of the same position by the same situation all year long. So this past Friday, I decided to "LIG It!" & it's worked out wonderfully well, thus far.

Thought: What would it be like to go through an entire day w/o thought??

I have no idea what this would be like, as my brain is a personal, Fox News Channel. There's not a nanosecond that goes by in which my brain isn't processing some completely random thought. So, to counteract this busy monster, each time I'm confronted w/ such random thoughts, I tell my brain, "let it go." Though, it seems strange to hear myself repeat this phrase @ various moments throughout the day, sometimes w/in seconds, it nips that thought in the bud. To the point where it's nearly trained to "switch channels" to something more productive, w/o me having mention my new mantra.

B/c the fact of the matter is, "your thoughts & emotions only live when you believe them." (taken from The Four Agreements - Companion Book)

So, how about we all just "LIG It," before December 31st comes & we're making the same hopeless promises to ourselves.

Just Being Random.....

So, I really hate when I post something & then find that I need to post something else! But, I had a very frustrating situation occur today in which I found out that a person I'd been communicating w/ was the person that I thought they were. Meaning, I'd had uneasy feelings about this person immediately after 1st meeting them; I immediately knew that they would be someone that I couldn't trust. I always felt like they were frontin'.... like they were trying to persuade me to believe they were a better person or friend than they actually were...... & sure enough, I was totally proven right today. Thankfully, I can find joy in the fact that I didn't allow them so far into my life that it would be hard to remove them.

So, know that you can trust yourself, if no one else.

Lying is only necessary when you're trying to get something that you know you shouldn't have.
- EKM

My Alterego - Part 1

I am not the girl in my head
She doesn't even know me
She's defined me based on the definitions of others
She lives in fear of them
She lives to please them
She lives hating them
She lives not knowing how to understand them
I am not her, & she's not me
But she draws me in w/ shallow desires
I'm held captive by objects I've never known
I'm held captive by poison
B/c she longs for the touch of the one that holds no regard, no concern
Her need to belong is so great that she'd cause me destruction
She doesn't care about me, just as the other lost souls
So, how do I disconnect from her?
How do I shed her skin so that there's only my skin
How do I become the girl that I'm really supposed to be
In this misery, I've learned that this is the human struggle
This is the disease that leads so many to self-destruct
Leading to every ism that corrodes our bodies
We seek peace in every other place b/c we can't find it w/in
So, I am not the girl in my head, & she's not me
But, maybe she should be.

Free

If I wear my hair down, does that make me free
If I travel the world, am I free
If I let go of all of my ambitions & inhibitions, am I free
If I redefine myself, am I free
If I let go of my past, am I free
If I embrace my future
If I embrace my faith
If I become aware
I am free.

Invisible

Today I feel invisible.... like no one sees me or hears me. & then I wonder why it even matters. But, the truth is, who wants to be alone in this world? & @ the same time, I pity those people who recruit random people into their lives to feel validated. So, in that moment, I decide to rebel against the system & baste in my loneliness, to embrace it like a shield. But like any ego, I look forward to tomorrow when I recover from this self-defeating moment, & fill my day w/ meaningless activities that are supposed to speak to my greater purpose; in which I'm still not sure of.... & in the middle of this self-searching moment, I get an ego-driven confirmation from someone that I care for deeply, someone that could potentially be the cause of this tumultuous moment that I'm experiencing. But, am I validated by this confirmation, is my day made better? Have I overcome those previous feelings? Not really b/c I know that my contentment, my life, can't be based on the actions of others. So, in this moment, I pick myself up & start over again.