A Change Gon' Come

I don't think anyone could sing that song like Sam Cooke... he sang it in a way that made you believe that a change, a major change, was going to come.

@ this exact moment in my life, this song has never rang so true. It's funny how people go thru life w/ slight flaws but they always culminate into something ginormous. I have suffered this common demise. I, for whatever reason, have prided myself on laziness, procrastination, & lack of attention to detail... but, laziness has been the main culprit.

Laziness has cost me, & those that I love, more time & money than I can count. & it has pushed me into a dreadful corner, where I feel trapped & helpless. Laziness has far exceeded my effort, b/c while I have put forth effort @ various things, that effort has been washed away by one single instance of laziness... this coins the phrase "taking 2 steps forward & 2 steps back."

But, like my good friend Sam said, "A change gon' come." Or @ least I hope so b/c this is no way to live.

I find it funny/ironic that so many people suffer from trying so hard not to be something, that they subconsciously become that something.

This is no different in my case... while I have never tried to present myself as "having it all together," I've prided myself on @ least giving it a try... but, in retrospect what was my try, really... but, I've tried my best NOT to be the clueless, spoiled chick, yet no matter what I've done or how hard I've tried, I think this is still the perception of me. I know that some of it is me being my own worst critic, but I also know that some of it is true.

& I think that this is significantly due to my lazy & detached nature... allowing things to "fall by the wayside," for no other reason, but laziness & lack of concern.

Another culprit is self-loathing/self-punishment... most people think that by being hard on themselves, or punishing themselves, it solves the problem or makes those involved feel better, but it doesn't. The remorse only lasts so long & ultimately, more often than not, the person repeats the behavior later on. & that's usually where tough love comes into play, & when it is needed most.

I am probably harder on myself than I need to be. But, like my example, I somehow find myself repeating the same behaviors.

So, I'm finally ready to say that "the buck stops here." I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of feeling clueless. & I'm tired of getting the same results... there is no way that I will be able to succeed, or successfully function as a person, if I continue down the same path... it has not been a terrible path, but I'm sure that it's not the one that my parents, & most importantly, God, have chosen for me... it's not the one that I want for myself b/c it's unbelievably draining & depressing.

So, Sam, I'm taking you up on that... a change is coming.

Update: wow, this was a really depressing entry, BUT, it was honest... & that's the only thing that I know to be.

Julie, Julia, & Me

I really enjoyed this movie... Meryl Streep was superb. But, I couldn't help but think about the fact that it must have been a strain for Julie to take on such an ambitious goal. Judging by the couple's modest apartment, it appeared that Julie & her husband didn't have much money. For that reason, & a few others, it seemed like it would be unrealistic for me to attempt such a goal... Not to mention, I'm not the greatest chef, I'm ok, but I'm often intimidated by complicated recipes... I usually prefer recipes that don't require precise measurements & exotic/unfamiliar ingredients...

However, I've determined that I could attempt a goal somewhat similar, & definitely inspired by the one that Julie accomplished... & that goal is to learn 2 new recipes per week, for this year.

Aside from the CPA exam, income management is probably the biggest goal that I have for this year... for my life. As I mentioned in a previous post, I've already conquered my shopping demons, but I realize that my second largest obstacle in reaching my financial goal is food consumption.

Quite honestly, I don't eat a lot. I'm usually good w/ breakfast & lunch. Dinner is usually an afterthought, & only a major issue after a good workout. Unfortunately, daily visits to random restaurants for lunch, is absolutely killing my budget, & probably my waistline as well. So, as I said, I've conquered the shopping, now I have to conquer the eating.

Of course, the logical solution is to cook more. & to an extent, I have no problem w/ that... but, the extent is that I am not very fond of leftovers. There is a very limited list of items that I enjoy eating a second time around... this list includes fish, stews/soups, & pasta... meatloaf is also a consideration. I don't like chicken b/c it's normally dry by the second day, & it smells horrible when re-heated... the reheat issue also applies to pork & any other meat w/ a bone... truthfully, I think it's the bone that causes the stench... makes the meat smell re-heated, overcooked meat.

Also, I only know a limited number of recipes. The limited repertoire also bothers me b/c I want to be a decent chef for my future husband. I always think about my dad & how he complained about his ex-wife's limited menu options... I think she rotated the same 5 recipes each week, & that really is unacceptable & boring. So, I don't want to torture my husband or my children. Our generation has become so accustomed to dining out & it negatively affects so many aspects of our lives, including our health.

I always tell people how I wish I would've had the opportunity to take home economics in school. I think that course should be reinstated in our schools. Girls really don't know how to cook anymore, & I think it's sad. I wish I knew how to cook like women did "back in the day..." making everything from scratch, from biscuits to ice cream. I think it's a lost art among my generation.

So, my little goal will ultimately kill quite a few birds w/ one stone.

My only dilemma is that busy season starts in a couple weeks, & spans thru May, so it's going to be quite difficult to accomplish. Not only are we required to work @ least 55 hours/week during this time, but my schedule for this year includes quite a bit of traveling, including a couple months stay in New Jersey. But, I think I will still be able to swing it when I'm in town b/c I can just commit to trying one recipe on a weekday & then one recipe on the weekend. Of course, I'll have to put the project on hold while I'm in New Jersey.

But, I'm excited... I even want to reach out to my FB friends & ask for recipes & suggestions.

I think I will start the project next week. I'd like to start it this week, preferably Saturday, but a friend & I are planning to go hiking so I'm sure that will consume the day.

But, I will start digging for recipes... I actually have a pretty decent cookbook.

So, let the games begin!

In Your Skin

I take issue w/ people that don't know how to be themselves... I think people have become so concerned w/ confidence that everyone has now adopted personas that they don't even know how to control... & a lot of people aren't even aware that they suffer from this issue.

A line from one of my favorite songs by Sy Smith says "I don't know myself, though I know a few who do, & they seem sort of shallow, so I take my time & start anew."

I've always been sort of unsure of myself, but as I've matured, I've grown very confident in everything that I do... this doesn't mean that I'm arrogant, but that I'm ok w/ who I am or what I'm doing in the midst of any situation... surprisingly, I'm very indecisive; however, once I decide, that's it... So, if I decide to be emotional in a certain moment, then I'm going to follow that emotion to the depths of the sea!

I'm ok w/ being confused @ times, I'm ok w/ making mistakes... I know that it's ok that I'm not perfect... I try not to take myself too seriously, & I love laughing @ myself.

However, I meet so many people that have developed personas, & they don't know how to recover after a slight misstep... they try too hard in awkward moments... trying to appear as if they have control in every situation... trying so hard to maintain the image that they've created for themselves.

I'm no good w/ awkward moments, in the sense that I don't force what I know is not there. So, sometimes that means not engaging in small talk w/ someone that I don't know or really don't care to know... sometimes, I don't care to know what a person did w/ their weekend... now, some may say that's arrogant & impolite... but, is it necessary when each person has a dislike for the other... I don't know, but that's just a quick example.

Anyway... People have come to believe that the more that you do, or the more you know, then the more "together" or confident you are, the more important you are... but, you don't always have to fill the empty spaces in life... sometimes, you discover the most important things in the midst of silence.

I've been told that I'm confident & that's cool, but I'm really not sure if I am one way or another, & I'm ok w/ that... what I know about myself is that I am moody, goofy, detached, emotional, intelligent, forgetful, insecure, arrogant, organized, messy, lazy, determined, rude, compassionate, thoughtful, & selfish... I am all those things @ one point or another & I'm ok w/ that.. so, if that makes me confident, cool... if that makes me confused/confusing... cool... but, I'm not going to pretend that I am or am not any of those things.

Stop F*cking w/ me...

:)... I was going to title this "Makes Me Want to Scream," but then I thought of that other line in MJ's song.

Today has been long & exhausting... I am beyond tired & frustrated. But, in the midst, I'm relishing my freedom... as I said, previously, I am no pretender... it is the hardest thing for me to pretend to be interested in someone... but, the thing that I find troubling, most often, is that guys won't allow you time to get to where they are... they believe that you should be just as attracted to them as they are to you, & w/ no additional effort or anything... totally amazes me each time it happens to me. So, sometimes, being single is so refreshing to me, b/c I'm not being forced to be involved in any situation that I don't want to be involved in... I'm even growing tired of the person that I really care for... I don't know, it could just be the day... I'm really tired... I have no energy for anyone, not even myself.

I'm thankful for having used brain cells today, but I am no good... how in the world am I going to survive when I have children...

Monday vs. Friday

What is it about Mondays & Fridays??? Mondays are the worst b/c they are the beginning of the week, & Fridays are just as hard b/c they are the end... & on each of these days, I think I am the least productive. Though, Mondays are a little bit easier b/c, most times, I have to make up for "slacker Fridays!" & I am always so tired on Fridays that they end up feeling just as bad Mondays... I don't know if it's age or what, but I'm better @ hanging out on a random weeknight than a Friday... what is that about?! I am so tired right now... but, it is wet, rainy, dreary here today, so maybe those things are the culprit. Also, I did go to happy hour w/ co-workers last night & had a few beers, but the beers helped me sleep, so I don't know... I guess I am just old.

So, if Fridays are just as hard as Mondays to be productive, then my work week only spans over 3 days: Tuesdays, Wednesdays, & Thursdays! I'm sure my employer would not be happy to know that. BUT, I believe most American workers are just the same... I wish we had a set-up like Japan... I think they are allowed to take naps & get massages @ work... that would be so awesome!

But, between 8 & 4, I hate Fridays just as much as I hate Mondays... so, come on 4:00... SAVE ME!

Go for Broke

The new year always inspires me, & gives me a new found hope & energy. Though, I severely disdain resolutions, I unintentionally end up w/ a few... I'd rather refer to them as goals, though.

For the past couple years, I've always found more time to spend on this space @ the beginning of the year, only to become completely m.i.a by mid-year. There are a few other repeat offenses, but the most notable & nerve-wrecking one is my finances.

Each year, I begin w/ an annual budget, only to see it blown each month. In 2009, I finally learned how to deny my thirst for shopping. However, there were so many other things that replaced that thirst, & what extra income I would've had... for example, bills, bills, & more bills. 2009 was the year of emergencies. I didn't have many, but usually couldn't afford to cover the ones that I did have. I got behind in just about all of my financial obligations @ one point or another; & most times, for no other reason than mismanaging my income.

This year has been no different... I ended 2009 w/ a minor car accident, which seems to have spilled over into this year b/c now my car's engine has failed, & I believe that this was caused by the accident.

But, I'd like to dig myself out of the perpetual whole that was 2009, & that has been most of my life. I'd also like to close the chapter on living "check to check." It's no fun, & it is the most... the only... depressing aspect of my young life. More than ever, I'd like to see my emergency fund & savings materialize.

Have I made some poor choices this year, thus far... a few... but, I pray that they don't snowball into the rest of the year.

This accomplishment isn't about 2009 or 2010... it's about the rest of my life.

Perhaps, I will kill two birds w/ one stone & use this space to chronicle my financial journey.

The Creative Intellectual

I wonder what I'd be doing if I weren't in accounting... when the days are slow, as they often are, I can't help but imagine that I'd have some fabulous career where I could be creative & set my own rules & schedule... but, I have no idea what this fabulous career would entail. I'm over fashion... the industry is way too pretentious for me. I enjoy writing, but it's not something that I've considered actively pursuing. Though, I must admit that my opinionated nature lends me to believe that I'd be successful in radio, or as a free-lance writer...

Maybe, once I get this damn CPA exam out of the way, I will look into doing some small projects.

No Pretender

I don't want to overwhelm FaceBook w/ my constant cynicism, so thank goodness for this here, personal space.

It is such a complete shame when I'm not interested in something. I seriously feel sorry for the object of my non-affection...

I had a whole personal example, but I don't feel like being personal today... I'm in such a detached mood today, & sadly, I'm relishing it.

I wonder is it a good or bad thing that I don't hide my feelings very well... most often, my dislike for something... I call it honesty, but I know that on most occasions, it borders pure asshole-ism.

But, this issue mostly affects my relationships w/ men... I'm sure that I've discussed this before. O well, it's still an issue, & I have nothing else to do right now... But, it's so hard for me to show interest in someone for too long... the initial thrill is all I can usually offer. There has been only one person that has held my attention, consistently, for longer than a year. I know that this isn't a good thing, but it really amazes me... & it's completely hilarious @ times.

I know, I know... the cliche line, "when the right person comes along..." & that's probably true, but it just seems like I'm one of the few women that have this issue so severely... maybe not...

& the thing is, I feel like most women just pretend to be as detached as I am, but as the title says, I'm no pretender... for example, a lot of women cling to that "independent woman" status to justify why they are single, & all these other comforting or empowering reasons... & while I am independent & a host of other things, I know that none of those things justify why I am single. Quite honestly, the major reason why I'm probably single is b/c I haven't cared enough to try... I haven't met too many men that I want to try w/; however, that is also my fault, b/c I haven't cared enough, thus far, to incorporate that type of man into my life... I guess I'm wishing that he would just fall into my lap, otherwise, I honestly don't think I will ever meet him.

Now, fortunately, there is a flip side... I am a completely, recklessly emotional, loving woman... when it's warranted. So, no, I am not dead inside... I know that I have the ability to love.

Blah... I hate talking about relationships...

I will not spend any more time than necessary, this year, talking or thinking about a damn relationship... there is no reason for anyone to pretend like they don't know why they're single, or why they suck @ relationships... cynicism is still in effect!

The Hollywood Illusion

So, I really feel a way about the recent deaths of Brittany Murphy & Casey Johnson... two more additions to the long list of celebrities that have died from drug overdose. It sickens me that the medical community continue to cater to the dysfunctional personalities that crowd the entertainment industry. I wouldn't say that the blame should be solely placed on the medical community; however, something should be done. How a person functions on medicinal cocktails, that sometimes include double-digit prescription drugs, is beyond me. Why would someone want to try to function that way, & what is so bad in that person's life that they have this co-dependency?

However, this is only part of the issue.... the beginning starts @ the beginning. What type of home a person comes from, what type of beliefs or morals that a person has, & the maturity level of a person, are just some of the factors that determine how successful one can be, & how one will handle success.

Our generation, more than ever, is dominated by fame & wealth. Everyone wants to be rich, famous, powerful, connected, or important. Each person takes whatever slice of the pie that they can afford... from the ghetto chick that loves to rock Prada, Gucci, & Fendi, or the like (knock-off), to the CEO that has the multi-million dollar home, luxury vehicle, & never-ending wealth.

Unfortunately, the common denominator any each case is the lack of real happiness. Everyone is so busy chasing happiness that they have no clue of what it actually is. Those that have not, envy those that have, & those that have envy those that have not.

In Casey Johnson's case, here was a girl that stood to inherit billions of dollars from the wealth that her family had amassed from the Johnson & Johnson product line. Casey grew up around Paris & Nicky Hilton. Casey was used to having whatever she wanted. Like most of our young "socialites," Casey didn't have a genuine career. Her life was mostly filled w/ shopping, parties, & other social events. Sounds like the life... right? Well, Casey also had a terrible drug addiction. She'd made an attempt @ normalcy by adopting a child last year; however, her drug addiction & lack of maturity caused her parents to take the child away from her.

I often here people say that they don't feel sorry for rich kids... they always mock the kids w/, "Oh, I'm rich, please have sympathy for me." & while the child's economic situation is better than most, their mental state, ability to understand, lead, & be a responsible person, rival that of an adolescent, well into adulthood. On any given day, all of their decisions are made for them. Their lives are planned far before they even realize who they are, & the consequences of life, in general. So, how could anyone expect a person that hardly ever has to think for themselves, to be happy, successful, and responsible? & how could you not feel sympathy for a person that has no clue, and ultimately, that is lost? Sure, the ultimate responsibility lies w/ their parents, but I don't have enough energy to open that can of worms... besides, it all revolves around my initial point, what was their beginning like?

Similarly, an impoverished child suffers the same; however, their circumstances are the result of not having access to things that are supposed to prepare them for all the challenges that life will bring. & even when this child is given access or an opportunity, the probability of failure is great. Professional athletes are prime examples of children that grew up without, but were given access later in life. Not all, but the vast majority of professional athletes encounter financial and legal trouble because of lack of education & preparation. Not to mention, a vast majority of them engage in drugs & other detrimental activities due to lack of real happiness.

People often assume that money cures all. But, money is only half of the battle. Money gives you access to enjoy luxuries, but these luxuries can only cure so much. If self-identity & worth are absent, then it's like throwing money into a body of water & watching it as it disappears. The presence of money brings on a host of other responsibilities & intangible pressures that can tear down a weak person. A person is then accountable for their image & also for the profitability of multiple corporations, whether it be an NBA team or a beverage company. Actresses and models have to maintain a certain weight & style to even be marketable.

In Brittany Murphy's case, the intangible pressures are what ultimately caused her death. Like so many of her colleagues, she became addicted to a medical cocktail. She continuously struggled to stay thin, turning to anorexia on several occasions. She'd recently began a new movie, and wanted to have a child this year. But, on the day of her death, she relaxed in her bath tub, & took what would be her last cocktail. Was this done purposefully due to lack of happiness, or had her body failed due to the ravage that was caused by the constant drug usage? No one may ever know.

& what scares me the most, is that there are so many people that are traveling on the same roads as the stars that have suffered untimely deaths... not to mention, these are the people that the younger generation considers to be role models. Why would you want to model your life after an unhappy person? Why would you pursue something believing that it will bring you happiness?

Happiness isn't obtained thru a career, a car, a house, a dress, a purse, a woman, or a man. Happiness is obtained thru a meaningful connection with yourself & those that truly care about you. You shouldn't have to chase happiness, b/c like God, or whomever your spiritual leader is, happiness is always with you. Happiness is as constant as the sun & the air that we breath. It's not wrapped up in some unknown equation that you have to spend your entire life trying to solve. & we should all have sympathy for those that don't understand these things.

So, I pray that people will stop chasing happiness. I pray that people will do what's necessary & not what's popular. Only then will they begin to enjoy the euphoric thing known as happiness.

The Beginning

I'd like to send a special shout out to the first 7 days of 2010 & how productive they have been for me! I am the worst when I have too much time on my hands... I was off from work for like 5 days last week & didn't do a thing... hopefully, I can kick my procrastinator happen @ some point, I doubt it, but it won't matter much to me, if I can accomplish the things that I intend to... I kind of relish my procrastinating nature. Though, w/ the CPA exam looming, I CANNOT afford to procrastinate. I am the absolute worst @ studying, & that's all that this damn test is about... I'm already shaking in my boots & I haven't submitted my application for it, yet... which I'd created a task reminder in my phone that required a completion date of, oh, about 4 weeks ago! Don't worry, it will get done. I'm as excited to get the whole process over with as I am to buy a new pair of boots... hopefully, both will be in my near future.

So, keep your fingers crossed, & wish me luck! I will continue to be productive... in my own way!