Friday, January 22, 2010

A Change Gon' Come




I don't think anyone could sing that song like Sam Cooke... he sang it in a way that made you believe that a change, a major change, was going to come.

@ this exact moment in my life, this song has never rang so true. It's funny how people go thru life w/ slight flaws but they always culminate into something ginormous. I have suffered this common demise. I, for whatever reason, have prided myself on laziness, procrastination, & lack of attention to detail... but, laziness has been the main culprit.

Laziness has cost me, & those that I love, more time & money than I can count. & it has pushed me into a dreadful corner, where I feel trapped & helpless. Laziness has far exceeded my effort, b/c while I have put forth effort @ various things, that effort has been washed away by one single instance of laziness... this coins the phrase "taking 2 steps forward & 2 steps back."

But, like my good friend Sam said, "A change gon' come." Or @ least I hope so b/c this is no way to live.

I find it funny/ironic that so many people suffer from trying so hard not to be something, that they subconsciously become that something.

This is no different in my case... while I have never tried to present myself as "having it all together," I've prided myself on @ least giving it a try... but, in retrospect what was my try, really... but, I've tried my best NOT to be the clueless, spoiled chick, yet no matter what I've done or how hard I've tried, I think this is still the perception of me. I know that some of it is me being my own worst critic, but I also know that some of it is true.

& I think that this is significantly due to my lazy & detached nature... allowing things to "fall by the wayside," for no other reason, but laziness & lack of concern.

Another culprit is self-loathing/self-punishment... most people think that by being hard on themselves, or punishing themselves, it solves the problem or makes those involved feel better, but it doesn't. The remorse only lasts so long & ultimately, more often than not, the person repeats the behavior later on. & that's usually where tough love comes into play, & when it is needed most.

I am probably harder on myself than I need to be. But, like my example, I somehow find myself repeating the same behaviors.

So, I'm finally ready to say that "the buck stops here." I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of feeling clueless. & I'm tired of getting the same results... there is no way that I will be able to succeed, or successfully function as a person, if I continue down the same path... it has not been a terrible path, but I'm sure that it's not the one that my parents, & most importantly, God, have chosen for me... it's not the one that I want for myself b/c it's unbelievably draining & depressing.

So, Sam, I'm taking you up on that... a change is coming.
Update: wow, this was a really depressing entry, BUT, it was honest... & that's the only thing that I know to be.

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