So, What's Next...

I'm not sure if it's rejuvenation or a classic example of my ADD tendencies, but this new career opportunity has me energized & eager to pursue other things that I've been longing to pursue. But, this... rekindled desire... has more to do w/ necessity than starry-eyed dreams & aspirations. What is it, you ask... well, I want to learn how to sew. Perhaps, I've previously mentioned that, but as you know by now, I usually have the same playlist on repeat. Anywho, this need directly relates to the fact that I'm currently in debt (not much, but enough to curb my shopping habits) & can't afford to invest in the quality brands/clothes that I'm most often attracted to. Not to mention, most of the merchandise isn't worth the asking price.

& this desire has nothing to do w/ anyone else... it has nothing to do w/ me attempting to provide a fabulous product to the masses... to orchestrate fashion shows. I don't care about the current trends. I just want to be able to express my love for fashion & playing dress-up while still saving money... how hard is that? Not to mention, I want full control of my buying experience.

However, there are significant investments required for such a task... purchasing a sewing machine, paying for classes, purchasing design equipment & fabrics... & how would I have time to pursue this when I'm just beginning a new career, trying to study, sit for, & pass the CPA exam w/in the next year, enrolling in graduate school... not to mention, I'm supposed to attempt to have a spiritual, love, & social life thru all of this madness... it all sounds exciting b/c I know that I'm up for the challenge; however, realistically, I know that one of those things will inevitably fall by the wayside for no other reason than lack of time. Maybe, I could squeeze in some time on the weekends... amongst my volunteer & social-life commitments... *sigh*... I most certainly don't want to get in over my head, nor do I want to exhibit typical "Erika" behavior by becoming involved in a gazillion things only to quit half of them before I've even begun... but, I want it all & I want it all NOW!

I guess I'm so drawn to this project b/c it makes sense... I don't know, I will figure it out & get it done... somehow. This one may have to wait a couple months... maybe once I get a few sections of the CPA exam passed... since there will be a lag in between submitting my application for graduate school, being accepted, & actually beginning coursework...

Whew, one thing's for sure... 2011 is looking to be a pretty busy year.

New Beginnings

I think I've complained on here more than I've expressed joy... BUT... I finally have some good news to report. On Monday, I will start the next chapter of my life... the next chapter in my career... yes, yes, yes... I have a new job! *sigh* It's still accounting, but the business is far more interesting than most of the industries that I've had exposure to, in the past couple years. & the location is soooooooooo swank, it almost compares to having a fabulous career in NYC... I said almost!

BUT... not so fast... there is one thing that has me shaking in my boots... I will have to manage 2 people... yikes!! I don't have any doubt that I will be successful in all aspects of this position; however, I'm a little concerned about the learning curve... like, how long will it take me to get comfortable in my new position, especially the management side.

Another thing that I'm a little concerned about is the fact that it will be so easy for me to convert back to my aloof, dissatisfied, ADD self. This position... this chapter of my life... is going to require more commitment & time management than I've ever had to offer. & I'm extremely determined not to fail & not to revert back to my old, ineffective habits. As I've often complained about, I've been extremely dissatisfied w/ the past couple years of my life. & I finally believe that I have an honest chance to change & find the satisfaction/success that I've been longing for... & it's ALL in my control as of this moment. If I don't choose to go up, from here, then I may never reach the level that I long for. So, it's time to tighten up my boot straps & get to work.

A change has finally come...

Things. Working. Together.

Another mini-hiatus... but, I've been a busy bee... thankful that things are finally starting to come together & make sense... details coming soon...

Eat, Pray, Love

I love watching films that inspire me to want to do & see something different. However, it's a little depressing sometimes b/c I'm not yet able to take the year-long, personal journeys that are usually showcased in such films. "Eat, Pray, Love" was no different.

Not wanting to be depressed about all places that I couldn't go, I decided to find beauty in the place where I currently resided. B/c I spent most of my life in the extra dreary city of Detroit, I love the fact that Houston's weather is the exact opposite. Though most people can't tolerate the humidity, & sometimes neither can I, the sunny weather does wonders for my mood. I love the fact that I can throw on a sundress & flip-flops in the middle of October... as if I were living on an exotic island. & sometimes, I forget to take the gift in & really appreciate it.

But, as it specifically relates to the themes of "Eat, Pray, Love," I have been trying to focus on my journeys in those 3 areas, especially pray & love. Like Liz, the main character, I've long suffered from overthought... I think, & think, & think... which is really nothing more than worry, worry, worry. However, as I believe I've mentioned before, I've recently learned how to "just be" & shut off the incessant thinking. I still have my moments; however, I've definitely noticed significant improvement. & since I've gained more control of my thoughts & being, I've also reconnected w/ God's spirit w/in me. It's been nice to share some of my thoughts & burdens w/ Him, & also knowing that thru the reconnection, I will discover my purpose.

Something that I've recently learned/rediscovered about love is the power of & need for relationships. It is so important to build meaningful relationships in all aspects of life. It's also important to do what's necessary to maintain those relationships. & there's so much enjoyment in making a conscious effort to involve various people in my life as well as trying to find ways to ensure that they're aware of how much I value their presence.

I think I've enjoyed or @ least indulged in enough eating to not have to work on that journey. I suppose my next journey is finding the right balance in diet & exercise so that I'm able to sustain a healthy & meaningful life. & Though I'm not yet able to explore my journey in an exotic backdrop, my current surroundings aren't too shabby. & I'm quite sure that every profound principle that I'd discover in the exotic, can also be discovered in the simple.

Eat... pray... love... that may be all I need.

Insomniac Montage

For the record, I chose that title b/c as you'll read, below, I'm suffering from insomnia tonight, & I wrote about quite a few topics, so I had no idea what to title this damn thing hence montage.

I have a terrible case of insomnia. I'd fallen asleep around 11pm, but knew that tonight wouldn't be a good night for beauty rest. I was trying out a gumbo recipe & couldn't get the roux right, which severely pissed me off, especially since I've made roux before. But, I don't know if it was b/c I was tired or in a rush... whatever it was, the cooking gods were not smiling down on me. & what was even more frustrating is that I'm trying to cease the frivolous spending, especially on food, but now I have no choice but to spend money on lunch for the 3rd day in a row :(.

During nights like this, I wish I could just go to 24 & release all of my aggression on an elliptical or treadmill machine. However, I'm severely frightened about leaving my house during the "wee" hours of the night b/c nothing good every happens during this time. & it would be just my luck that I get snatched up by some deranged criminal all b/c I needed to release some steam @ 4am.

So, what's been keeping me up all night? Decisions, decisions, decisions... & waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm not a patient person by any means, nor am I very optimistic. I pride myself on being as realistic as possible; however, most times the realism turns into negative thinking. As I'm sure I've shared before, I often wonder if it would be more beneficial for me to be more optimistic. However, each time that I try, it feels awkward & forced, & that little voice in my head always finds a valid reason for why optimism should be thrown out the window. So, am I causing myself more harm than good??? I don't know. & I suppose to put forth the effort in trying, would be a step outside the old, tattered, brown box.

But, how dare I think that what I want to happen will really happen... does that even work, or does that produce the delusional souls that I, so often, encounter. I don't know.

I heard someone use that cliche phrase about how the race isn't won by the swift... blah, blah, blah... I suppose this thing is called "journey" for a reason b/c every time something pushes you down & makes you fall, you have to dust your old, tired knees off & get back up again... But, I'm tired... can't I sit out this one lap?! Quite honestly, I've sat out for several laps over the years... I'm the runner that approached the track w/ a slow & steady pace... opting for stamina, or pure laziness, over speed & flare. However, all the other runners have left me in the wind, & while I guess I've enjoyed the scenery, I didn't enter this damn thing just to see some damn scenery...

Yep, this was a montage... just like that damn gumbo.

Please Exit Stage Left

Wardrobe malfunctions are the worst, & unfortunately, I've had my fair share of them... my hips usually being the culprit. As much as I love my womanly, curvaceous figure, these bad boys have done damage to many a skirt & pair of slacks. & today is one of those days that could be another blunder... I decided to wear this pencil skirt that I purchased about a year ago... now given my history w/ pencil skirts, I probably shouldn't purchase them anymore. As much as they're a staple item amongst the fashion experts, I've come to believe that the industry is extremely out of touch w/ the figures of real women. For me, wearing a pencil skirt is almost as dreadful as wearing a pair of wretched stilettos from Aldo! & I've tried several variations... w/ stretch, which I thought would be more forgiving, & also w/o stretch. But, no matter the fabric, my hips & butt will always find a way to burst right out of this death-confining garment. So, this may be my last hurrah w/ pencil skirts. As they say, "everything isn't for every body."

The Chosen One

Boot shopping for me is like the average person shopping for a house... & while I am a home-owner, I think I've spent more time searching for this particular style of boot, & boots in general, than I did searching for my home. The most common problem that I encounter is that there are a very select number of designers that will make the boot shaft large enough to fit my curvaceous calves. For a long time, this simply didn't exist, so it was years before I owned my first pair of mid-calf boots... which ironically were purchased from Nine West (see previous post for inside joke :)). So, in the past couple boot seasons, the over-the-knee boot has become outrageously popular, & it has taken me approximately a year or more to find one that would not only fit over my curvaceous calves but also my curvaceous knees... LOL! So, this one by Aldo pictured here, my friends, is the chosen one, & MUST be had ASAP...

My only, sincere reservation in purchasing this lovely boot is that Aldo is infamously known for creating the most uncomfortable, cheaply-made, overpriced footwear known to man... Case in point, I purchased a delicious pair of pointy-toed, stiletto, black patent leather pumps from Aldo, for about $100 (not too expensive, but also not worth it given the following story) approximately 4 years ago. Now being that I have a healthy shoe collection, these pumps were not worn on a regular basis. I'd estimate their usage to be 4 times per month over the course of the 3or 4 years that I owned them; probably much less. So, sometime last year, I noticed that either the soles or heels (I can't remember which one, right now) of the shoes were somewhat unsteady... meaning it felt like that part of the shoes would split in half @ any moment. But, being that I didn't wear them that often, I didn't believe that it would actually happen & hardly remembered the issue when I pulled them out for wear earlier this year. But, sure enough, no more than 30 minutes after I'd arrived @ work that day, I felt the shoes slightly, not fully, break. Luckily, I had a pair of flats in my car that I quickly retrieved; however, unfortunately I had to walk around the rest of the day w/ extremely long slacks folded up b/c I had to switch to the flats... a rather tacky look. So, I've since retired those shoes, & haven't decided if I'll invest in having them repaired, which I'm famously known for... example being that I spent $30 for re-enforced soles for a pair of booties that I purchased from Forever 21 for around $25... yes, I loved those shoes that much! Another example of Aldo's wretched footwear is a pair of peep-toe, ankle boots that I purchased about a year ago... lovely, sexy little darlings... but, when I tell you that those boots signify foot-murder, I MEAN IT! The sheer thought of those boots makes me want to cry... I don't know when I'll ever wear them again! It would have to be for an event that entails extensive sitting!

So, I must, must, must think loooooooong & hard before I invest in these lovely creations. & @ $250, they're not exactly a cheap buy, though I have paid much, much more for the object of my affection in the past. But, I'm a firm believer in cost-benefit analysis where boots are concerned. I don't mind the cost to invest b/c I know that they will be w/ me for many, many, many seasons to come.

Pure Greed

Let the season begin... boot season, that is! If boots were food, I'd completely be ok w/ being overweight for the sake of my affection for this perfect creation... so versatile... so eye-catching, even in its simplest form... w/ the exception of a pair from Aldo, & the ones that I previously posted, these should round out my purchases for this year's boot season. I'm not exactly sure if booties are still "in" according to the fashion experts, but I'm not a particular fan of booties anyhow, & have yet to discover an eye-catching pair for this season.

I will never forget an episode of "Will & Grace" in which Grace's assistant (her name slips my mind, presently) ridiculed Grace for wearing shoes from Nine West. & for the longest time, I felt a bit ashamed of my closet full of purchases from the store. But, as the years have gone by, I can't stop professing my love for Nine West. They're not always my first choice, but w/ each new season of trends, I can always rely on them to produce the most wearer-friendly version on the market... case in point are the newly-discovered gems pictured @ the very top. The style is a classic that can translate into any new season of trends... perfectly trendy in a safe sort of way... which is what Nine West is known for, in my mind... I'll never forget that after hearing the criticism of Nine West on the show, I quickly tried to turn to the higher-end footwear, fashion houses, & was both sadly & happily informed that the sheer discomfort that is produced in a $300-$500 pair of Jimmy Choo's, Christian Louboutin's, & Stuart Weitzman's is enough to keep Nine West as a mainstay in my footwear collection for years to come... which ultimately saves me time, money, & any embarrassment in sporting the semi-knockoffs that Nine West produces. The minute that I tried on shoes created by each of those designers, it wasn't luxury, quality, or superiority that I felt, but discomfort. & I've since ignored most of their design efforts as if they were rejects produced by Payless.

As an after-thought: the second pair, shown above, are by Marciano... they're an option, but I think my craving is stronger for the Nine West version... happy shopping, people!

Cravings

Nope, not food! I'm seriously craving some riding boots... & the two that have featured here are extremely yummy... to me! They look kind of similar, huh?! Ah, but it's all in the minor details. The 1st pair is by Ugg, whom I've never really paid attention to b/c of those gawd-awful fuzzy boots that put them on the map, & the 2nd pair is by Frye, whom I absolutely love but can never afford... these bad boys are about $400, I think... *sigh*...Yes, I already have a pair or two... BUT, so what! I absolutely love them w/ dresses & skirts.

Vintage

I'm a sucker for a dainty, vintage silhouette... I love this look!

Summary... Please!

I can't believe that I wrote all that in that last post! I think I said too much & not enough @ the same time... the moral of the story is that I think the education system should focus on career choices & training. After the 8th grade, children should be required to start learning & forming some idea of what the work-force entails... what opportunities & occupations are available, & how to obtain them. The system that we have now has essentially created a workforce full of robots. There's hardly ever a sense of independence & innovation. I think that a new system would benefit everyone b/c it will allow children & young adults to determine if they want to become the average US worker, or something more inventive & unconventional... that is all... in a nutshell!

System Overload...

.I HATE SYSTEMS... not to be confused w/ structure... I really do hate systems. & this is pure E-logic right now, but I think that the difference between a system & structure is the fact that structure is necessary... to me, structure is law & order, to an extent... & a system can fall into the realm of structure, but systems can be changed & augmented to better fit w/in a given structure... There is a certain business structure that exists that will tell a person how to start a business, how to raise capital for a business, etc... & w/in this structure is several systems that are used... a hiring system, an IT system, an accounting system... all of these things can be changed to fit the needs of a particular business, but no one can change the fundamental structure of business that says that some sort of system needs to be in place for a given function.

I spent the day being severely agitated by systems... hiring systems, evaluation systems... I could go on & on. Mostly, I hate these systems b/c I believe them to be ineffective & a complete waste of time. Most employers have implemented various personality & reasoning tests to differentiate between applicants. First of all, I thought I could stop taking tests when I earned my damn degree. Second of all, I would really like to sit down w/ the developer of these tests to understand the significance of these tests b/c to me, it seems like they're just duplicating the robotic system of college... a system where you can get by if you know how to take a test.

I don't know... I suppose I could understand both sides of the argument... I can understand trying to assess someone's reasoning capabilities; however, if a company's Human Resources personnel aren't competent enough to judge someone's personality then perhaps the company should hire new personnel. I know, I know... the argument is probably that of: people try to tailor their personalities to what they believe the company is looking for & what the position might require... well hell, maybe the company should hire a psychic... LOL! Seriously, it really isn't that hard to discern someone's personality, a resume is a resume... the information is there, so one should be able to access the success levels that a person has achieved in previous positions, & also how well his/her personality will blend w/ the rest of the department/team.

Hiring isn't a science... there is no right or wrong person in the sense that a company could hire a person that has extensive experience in its industry, but that person still may not do well in the position... an under experienced person may do far better.

But, I seriously digress... I think that my real gripe is w/ the education system. By no means, would I blame this system for any of my failures, but I do look back & realize all of the missed opportunities, & lack of communication & preparation. First of all, I wish there were some sort of system for children, like me, that fall thru the cracks... not that I'm the product of some unfortunate environment, but I believe that all these movements of children that join this cult & that gang... & all these emo & punk-rock groups... these are the lost souls... These are the children that usually have absolutely no freaking idea where they belong & what they want to do w/ their lives... I was fortunate to not be lost enough to join an outrageous group, but I had no freaking idea what I wanted to be in life.

I realize that some schools have all sorts of personality test that can tell you what you should be in life... I think I even took one... I can't remember what it said... something artsy & liberal, I suppose... LOL! & maybe that was my biggest mistake in not taking heed. & maybe all these words are useless b/c I can't complain b/c I didn't listen. Eh... I still have a gripe w/ this system!

I somewhat admire the technical schools like ITT Technical Institute b/c, based solely on their advertisements, they provide on the job training... the education system needs more of this. Children should be exposed to the various occupations @ an early age. I can't remember any instance of a "career day" occurring during my years in grade school. So, other than teaching & some of the other well-known careers, I had no idea what opportunities & occupations were available, let alone the duties that they entailed.


But, I digress, sort of, on that subject as well... what I would really like to know is, especially since I'm basically the product of inner-city/urban/HBCU education systems: what is it like on the other side. How are my Caucasian & Asian counterparts prepared for adulthood & career stardom. It appears that the resources & preparation far exceed that of the systems that I took part in... no, no, no... I'm not one to complain about the unfair advantages that exist amongst the races, but I do wonder... most of all, I wonder why these disparities still exist, & I wonder how I can change them. I don't regret choosing to be a part of the system... maybe it was for a reason... maybe it was so that I could experience it & change it... but, I still wonder... I guess b/c I witness some of the disparities every day... I'm surrounded by people that are products of systems that could probably be considered just under Ivy League (so, I can't imagine what the Ivy League products are really like!) & I don't feel inadequate when compared to them, but I do feel ill-prepared.

& perhaps, it could be a personal thing... where I didn't take advantage of certain opportunities & techniques as I should have. I won't completely say that these things didn't exist... maybe I was too lazy & ignorant to seek them out... But, I must say that I do see the advantages that those systems have that mine lacked... for example, internships & on-campus recruiting... PPA programs... Don't get me wrong, there were some internship opportunities, but they were somewhat inferior in comparison to what I've witnessed in my current position. Big 4 didn't come to my university... hell, my current firm didn't, & still doesn't.

I've blabbed long enough... but, I've said all this to say that I think that outside of the Ivy League, our education system is seriously flawed & lacking. The conventional methods that were once popular & effective, are nearly obsolete now. It's past time for restructuring & an overall system upgrade.

Voting... the new Dior

So, eeeeeeeeeveryone took to FB on yesterday to talk about voting. I'm sure that some people were being passionate & genuinely concerned about encouraging people to vote, but unfortunately, some were just trying to be in vogue. Since this past presidential election, voting has ironically become a new trend amongst the younger generations... but, will the trend last??? Well, it did seem to spill over into yesterday's election.

However, the sad part is: how much do we really know about each candidate, so are we just voting just be voting? African Americans have long been known for submitting the straight party ticket for democratic candidates. & while it's nice that a lot of us are trying to pay homage to our forefathers for fighting for our voting rights, what good is it to vote for one party? How effective is this type of ballot, & are we contributing to the political problem by only looking @ one side... not to mention, not even knowing what that side really stands for.

Now, I'm not one to point a finger w/o realizing that I have 3 of them staring me in the face... so, a quick disclaimer: I did vote. I voted a straight libertarian & democratic ticket. I had no idea who the candidates were, or what they stood for... hell, I was happy to see that I liked the names of some of the people that I chose... LOL... that was cool to me. I had no reason to vote b/c I had no idea what I was doing, BUT... I figured that I should pay my civil & cultural duty to society. & why did I choose libertarian, you might ask... well, b/c I didn't want to be caught in between the republican/democratic war... & the positions in which I did choose a democratic candidate, only had choices from the two main parties. But, I honestly felt like I wasted time by voting & not knowing anything about the candidates... it's like taking communion, knowing that you haven't been committed or obedient to God.

Quite honestly, yesterday's election was extremely important, & I wish the media would really highlight each candidate's platform instead of highlighting the bullshit that these candidates were involved in 10 & 20 years ago. But, this election was important b/c these are the people w/ the most influence... the representatives & senators are responsible for passing legislation. The president does have the ultimate say, but the people's connection & voice lie in the House & Senate.

I really don't care who's in office... republican, democrat, libertarian, Big Bird, Barney... whomever... I just want problem solvers & leaders. It doesn't matter who solves the problem, just solve it... just do something & stop arguing about the solution, & worrying about who gets credit for it.

So, while everyone else wants to walk around w/ their "I voted" stickers like a new Dior bag, & ridicule those that didn't vote as if they're carrying a "knock-off," I don't feel a way about either status b/c what has Dior or any other designer/candidate done for me lately... & what will these people do for me now? All I can worry about, is what I can do for myself. & did voting do anything for me; did it make me feel better about myself... will it do anything for me... I really don't know.

Inaugural Post

So, b/c I'm bored & too tired & sick to study for the CPA exam, I figure that I should do what I said I would do in this here space... I'm still not sure that fashion is the way that I want to go, but it's worth a try.

So, to start it all off, I chose the easy route of critiquing... & critiquing a celebrity @ that... super easy.

I'm a huge fan of Eva Mendez... not necessarily her acting abilities, but I do admire her sense of style & willingness to take risks. & while I do actually like the flowy silhouette of this dress, I am not a fan of the fringe. I think the fringe hanging off the arm & even @ the bottom of the dress were fine... creative. But, all the extra in the middle, is just overkill & really cheapens the dress. Unfortunately, I don't think she would've escaped, one way or the other, w/o the obvious quilt comparisons... as it does remind me of quilts that my grandmother owned... but, it would've been a lot more tolerable w/o the extra. I'm almost willing to say that the diagonally intersecting, seam pattern is rather annoying as well... not to mention the fact that the designer chose to randomly place the fabric pattern in the middle of her leg... which further cheapens the look of the dress, & highlights the chaos that is this dress.

Eva hardly ever disappoints, me @ least, so hopefully she'll rebound quickly & triumphantly.

Hmmm...

Maybe, I should tinker around w/ fashion blogging... I'm not into fashion as much as I used to be, but it would be an additional escape... other than the other random things that I post on here... hmmm... & talking about fashion is like watching TV... it doesn't require much brain power!

1, 2, 3, 4, 5... 6, 7, 8, 9, 10... 11, 12...

If you follow the count pattern, you'll realize that it's the rhythm to the numbers song that so many of us grew up hearing on Sesame Street.

If you don't already know, I have the worst memory known to man... so, I often repeat the same subjects... simply b/c I can't remember if I did or didn't address them in the past... anyway...

I never thought that my life would be surrounded by numbers. As a child, I always dreamt of colors, lights, movement, & various other artistic expressions. But, for the past 10 years, maybe more, my life has been surrounded by numbers. I've excelled in my mathematics since elementary school, & I honestly don't mind those numbers. But now... well, now I have accounting & budgets; professional & personal, that haunt me on a daily basis. So much so, that I fear the thought of numbers... I really do... it sounds nerdy as hell, but right now, mathematics would be a welcomed release for me... I keep thinking that I should just go ahead & teach it... I don't know.

All I know is that I'm completely exasperated w/ looking at the numbers in my life right now... from bills to budgets to costs for exams, certifications, & degrees that I need/want to attain.

Where in the world can I run to??? I need a hiding place... QUICK! Not sure if I'd want to go back to my Sesame Street days, though.

New-new...

I need a new start... ASAP!!! NOW!!! Like yesterday, like 8 days ago... I know, I know... I'm being impatient. I'm trying to allow God to move... but, good lawd, I feel so stuck in my current state, & that even if I do move, it's going to be in the wrong direction... *sigh*... give me patience, Lord.

Touche' 'Touffee

I don't know how I come up w/ these titles... but, I did finally cook the etouffee, & I believe I should be commended for a job well done! Eh, I'm tooting my own horn, but someone has to do it!

Cooking has become pretty therapeutic for me, lately... has helped me take my mind off of the jumble flowing thru my head, & just focus on one thing... which I have the hardest time doing... it's gotten me to thinking about pursuing catering or something. Not that I feel like I'm ready, or accomplished enough, to even pursue that avenue right now, but it would be something nice to slide into my back pocket for later... isn't that how most women like Paula Deen & Rachel Ray got started... cooking @ home & decided to venture out & cash-in one day... I'd seriously like to get better @ it... if I ever did pursue some sort of career or business, it'd have to be something small, since I'm such a slow, messy cook!

I've always dreamed of being a self-defined 'Renaissance woman'... maybe, this will get me one step closer... up next: maybe, an instrument of some sort... hmmmm!

Neeeext...

So, I think that my next three recipes will be shrimp etouffee, an African stew, & bbq chipotle meatloaf... yummy!

I'm a little nervous about the African stew, though... I think I have curry in mind & I'm scared that it won't turn out that way... maybe, I should just look for a good curry recipe.

& I need to buy a crockpot ASAP!! Those things are gold... so many recipes, & you can just dump everything in them... my kind of cooking!

Chef Boyar-mee

So, I never did start the ambitious cooking project that was the subject of the movie Julie & Julia... a new recipe every night... way too much! But, I have committed to trying one new recipe each week... so far, I've cooked jambalaya & chili... each turned out really good... up next: shrimp etouffee... & maybe red beans & rice after that.

I love cooking, but I'm in desperate need of an expansion in arsenal... & who knows, maybe I'll expand it to 2 per week... but, I am such a slow & sloppy cook... I mean, I literally have to block out an hour or more, usually 1 & 1/2, for the simplest recipes... but, it's mostly b/c I like to take my time b/c it usually doesn't turn out well when I rush.

I hadn't visited in a while, & just wanted to share that little tid bit...

Cock-blocking...

So, I've had writer's block for days... I keep thinking of topics that I'd like to write about, only to get on here, & write about something completely different, & then hate it & delete it... there's a subject that's been gnawing @ me for days, but the things that I want to say haven't fully developed, mentally... not even enough to start free-styling when I get here... & then I have a bunch of random thoughts that are clouding my brain right now (actually, this isn't outside the norm)... I'm sure I've said this before, but I find my "a.d.d" nature to be endearing @ times, but sometimes, it's just downright annoying...

So, hopefully my brain will stop cock-blocking sometime soon... btw, I'm not sure I really like that term... that I've ever liked that term... but, it served its purpose for today's brief post.

The Illusion of Power

I'm always thinking of fun/funky ways that I can spice up my life... & this lead to a conversation w/ a good friend of mine about stripping & the likes.

For a very, very split second, I hypothesised about how exciting it could be... but, I quickly recanted this burst of excitement... realizing that there was nothing empowering or fun about this act... @ all.

& I thought of the millions of women that venture into this business, & similar ones, each year... believing that their new endeavor will carry power... buying into the cliche belief that "p*ssy is power." & while there is power in the p*ssy, eventually, the powerful will feel completely powerless, disrespected, & lonely.

There's no real respect to be had when a woman operates under this mindset... she basically lessens her entire worth to one body organ... it's not even a unique organ... p*ssy is a dime a dozen, & it's only as unique & "good" as the person that's attached to it... so, why on earth would a woman allow herself to be guided in this world buy a single body organ?

Certain songs trigger this "secret" desire of mine... I think most women would admit that they've thought about stripping, or the likes, to some degree, @ some point in their lives. It's sexy, it's sensual, it's arousing, it's exhilarating... but, the thought of a strip club is just... disgusting... I mean, I'm disgusted by some of the men that hit on me while I'm out & about... I can't imagine how those same men would behave when I'm half-naked & grinding & gyrating to some Drake, 50-cent, Lil' John, or Ying-Yang Twins' song.

I've never been to a female strip club, but I can imagine that they're not much different from what's displayed on TV & in movies... dark, sweat mixed w/ all kinds of other stale odors.

I was even more intrigued by this phenomenon when I watched "Brooklyn's Finest" the other day. In the movie, Richard Gere plays a soon-to-be retired police officer that hasn't had the most decorated or honorable career or life, for that matter... so much so, that he has regularly visits w/ a Spanish prostitute... very pretty girl; I'm sure the directors chose her to invoke curiosity in the viewer... curiosity about why she would choose such a lifestyle. So, towards the end of the movie, she buys him a watch as a retirement gift... doomed by the life he's created & relishing in the genuine act of kindness displayed by the prostitute, he asks her to move away w/ him... she quickly declines his offer & tells him to leave... he goes down to his car, right outside her apartment, & contemplates shooting himself... already feeling like sh*t, he's just been rejected by a prostitute.

Even more thought-provoking than his misery & desperation, is her reaction... I immediately thought that her self-worth has to be so low that she couldn't even appreciate & accept his request... or, her self-worth is why she couldn't do these things... b/c after all, he was ready to run away w/ a person that he barely knew... he was infatuated w/ the fantasy that they'd shared.

But, why does a woman subject herself to also live in this fantasy... after all, isn't that why women engage in this lifestyle... unable to receive or understand genuine love, they allow their p*ssy to lead the way... they allow men to fall in love w/ this organ b/c they don't know how to get men to fall in love w/ who they are as a person.

So in this sense, the illusion of love & the illusion of power, are one in the same. I can't find anyone to love me, so I'm going to buy it w/ my p*ssy... I can't find anyone to respect me, so I'm going to demand/earn it w/ my p*ssy... that line of thinking is even more shallow than the tragic beauty who believes that she's owed something b/c of her beauty. & for this reason, stripping, prostitution, & the likes, are the most powerless, disrespectful, simple-minded careers known to man.

From Red to Black...

It's amazing... the things that are required in adulthood. I think I took a personal financial management class in college, but I can barely remember the material that it covered... I say this b/c I believe that young adults should be required to maintain budgets either in high school or college. Matter of fact, high school students should be required to examine & understand their parents' monthly/annual budgets... maybe, I'll implement this practice for my children.

Parents have traditionally believed that b/c they say something, their children will understand the concept/consequences, & take heed to the advice given, but that's rarely ever the case. I had plenty of adults, including my parents, that warned me about the consequences of debt & the mismanagement of finances... yet, these issues have been my biggest hurdles as an adult.

I've created monthly budget after monthly budget, & w/o fail, each month, I end in the "red"... it's a perpetual cycle that continues to grow & worsen.

So, here I am... yet again. But, I am determined to end this month in the "black"... so, here's to a month of creative concepts in the pursuit of financial freedom & triumph... wish me luck!

Don't Worry... Be Happy...

"I was too thoughtful to be happy. It was this everlasting which distressed & tormented me; & yet there was no getting rid of the subject of my thoughts." My Bondage, My Freedom by Frederick Douglas

I've been thinking about that quote a lot, lately... it basically sums up my current state. Today, I'm trying to push thru it.

There are so many things on my mind... so many things that I want that I don't have... I don't think I really know how to be happy... people say that you have to choose to be happy... I suppose that's true...

It's a funny feeling/thing b/c I'm not miserable, & definitely not dissatisfied enough that I don't have the will to live (suicidal), but I wish that I could fast-forward on this period of my life & get to the "good" part! The part where everything makes sense & comes together.

But, I know that I have to be patient... I mean, how am I going to appreciate the future, if I don't appreciate the present... yea, yea, yea... I do, so hate cliche sayings, but I suppose that they're cliche for a reason.

I always said that I never wanted to be the woman that puts a time-stamp on everything... "I want to be married by..." "I want to have kids by..." But, I think all the dissatisfaction is drawing me closer & closer to this woman. I don't want to limit my life to a certain age... if I have children @ 30, great... if I have children @ 40, great... I don't want to feel bad b/c I didn't accomplish certain things @ a certain age. I don't want to get caught up in societal expectations & the over hyped "American Dream."

So far, I've accomplished most things in my own time & understanding, so I'm hoping that this will remain true for the remainder of my life... but, I guess I'm getting impatient w/ my own time.

What If...

I suppose I'm what you would call "spoiled;" a little ungrateful even... however, the older I get, the more tired I become of chasing "things." I'm getting tired of working to have "things." I realize that we all need some things to survive, but I think we've confused these things w/ the things that we desire... we've confused the necessary things w/ the things that we lust after... & here I am @ a point in my life where I've decided that I need to acquire more education & I'm not sure if it's so that I can acquire more things or if it's so that I can finally start fulfilling my purpose... maybe, a little of both, but I'm praying that it's more of the latter... b/c above all, I'm tired of chasing, desiring, & being defined by "things."

All of that got me to thinking about the "haves" & the "have nots," & how there should be a balance w/in these categories of people...

What if the people w/in these two categories had to switch places ever so often... like 10 years... that seems a little harsh, but still... wouldn't this force people to be grateful for what they have. & wouldn't this give an opportunity to the people that may never have anything... I know, I know... that's what charities & non-profit organizations are for, but it's not the same. I think those that "have" should experience a few moments in their life when they don't have. I think this is the reason that so many wealthy children are so lost & destructive... they spend so much time trying to find fulfillment; & usually, the only place that they know to look, usually houses some sort of material thing.

I've discovered that I'm unimpressed w/ most "things." & I believe that this gets confused w/ lack of gratitude... maybe, it is to some extent. Don't get me wrong, I love to shop & look nice, but most everything else, I could do w/o. & I've grown so accustomed to having certain things that acquiring them has become more of a habit than an enjoyment... which probably also explains the lack of gratitude.

This sounds like a simple problem to solve... & maybe it is... I just hope that I can spend most of my life giving back to people, as much as I've received, b/c I certainly don't want a life that's only filled w/ "things."

Out the Window...

All those warm & fuzzy feelings that I felt last night have flown out the window... I figured they would be short-lived... oh well.

My Heart is Full...

I've been missing this space. I've wanted to post something for the past couple weeks, but just hadn't made the time. I have a subject that I've stored in my back pocket for whenever I have time to for a lengthy post.

Anywho... there are times when I hate love & all the mixed emotions that come w/ it. I've said several times, on here, how I fear that I'll be too stubborn or lazy to find it or receive it... but today, I'm loving love... mostly b/c I feel like it's possible, again. I'm filled w/ butterflies & nervous feelings... something that hasn't happened in a while. & even if these things are short-lived, I realize, again, that I can feel this way about a person. Not to mention, though I've experienced some very hurtful situations w/ another person, I discovered that I still love this person. & even if things never change or get better, it's been a very memorable experience loving this person, & I know that I may never love anyone that way again... there is both beauty & pain in that knowledge.

Being that I'm such a pessimistic cynic, I have to relish the days in which I feel like a hopeful cornball... a hopeless romantic... LOL!

Open, open, open, open...

Dare I say it... I used to be closed-minded... gasp, sigh... yes, I know. I can't believe it, either. I'd completely forgotten about this unspeakable behavior until a conversation that I had yesterday w/ a couple people regarding interracial dating... Ironically, I've always been open to dating outside of my race, though, I prefer brown skin & have always said that I would never marry someone outside my race... YET, I have ridiculed my male counterparts for dating outside our race... sigh... yes, it's true... I used to be one of the evil, angry black women that said that black men had sold out if they chose a white woman. So, I am here today to repent for my ignorant sins.

Truth is... no one knows the circumstances that surround a person's decision in choosing to date outside his race... could it be, that he is as open-minded as I claim to be. I believe this to be the case now, more than ever... but, I can honestly say that to a large extent, I wouldn't be mad @ a black man for making this choice for certain malicious, vindictive reasons... of which, I will list, below:

1. Black women have bad attitudes & are unbearable to tolerate...

Now, before you assume that I'm all about bashing black women, remember that I am one & that I love being one; however, there are some undeniable flaws in our ability function in & sustain healthy relationships. Most often, I've heard, & most times sided w/, the argument that black women have endured a slew of distress that has caused our aggressive & combative nature. & while this is somewhat true, this does not excuse ANY of our behavior... whatever distress we've experienced, shouldn't give us the audacity to believe that we won't be held accountable for our actions. Our experience w/ heartache, suffering, & distress is no different than a difficult life that's experienced by any other person in this world... we all have the right to be angry & grieve over pain that we've experienced; however, we all have the responsibility to seek out the source of that pain, & the method/actions necessary for eliminating & overcoming that pain. A person that moves thru life reacting to every situation based on past experiences, failures, & pain, is as ignorant as a person that doesn't want to pursue an education.

2. Black women don't know how to care for black men...

Ironically, this statement probably wasn't true until the 70's or 80's... but, most likely the 70's (I think)... which is the time when black women began to stand side-by-side w/ black men in militant & civil-rights organizations like Black Panthers & NAACP. Prior to that, we were as dedicated to motherhood & "wifely duties" as our white counterparts. But, the 60's came & went, & had opened up doors for the race as a whole. Black women began stepping out of the kitchen to earn their own income. & as previously mentioned, we began standing by our male leaders... speaking up & taking new leadership roles... w/ this progress, began the struggle to be identified as an equal, not just a "help-mate." Sure, our white counterparts were also fighting to be equal, & who knows how many families that fight divided... but, in the black community, this divide, unfortunately, became a mainstay... & so, the single-mom was birthed... During the 70's, thousands of black women began the journey of guiding & teaching black children... trying to teach a young girl how to be a respectable woman as well as trying to teach a young boy how to be a respectable man... all the while, trying to maintain a respectable income & household... all alone. Prior to the 70's, this was more the exception than the norm, & most of the exceptions were due to widows. Perhaps, the increase single-mothers during the 70's was a direct correlation to an increase in the divorce rate... I'm not sure, but, unfortunately now, divorce is a minute fraction in the causes of single-mother parenting. In the past 20-30 years, having children out of wedlock has become the standard for most black couples.

Well... that's all background information... that's not even my main point... the black woman's ability to care for a black man, or any man for that matter, was lost when the black family began to disintegrate... how can a woman learn how to care for a man, if there isn't one around? & this unfortunate circumstance had a direct impact on the children... the young girls & boys that spent their childhood in this environment. The children that were products of this environment grew up, & guess what, they didn't know how to care for or communicate w/ one another b/c there was no positive example of this within their household as children. This has become a constant cause of frustration in the black community, & has developed into decades of pain & resentment between the genders, caused by the inability to effectively communicate.

3. Black women have a looooooong list of demands...

I find it completely hilarious, & sometimes frustrating, that Hollywood consistently portrays black women as these closed-off, dissatisfied, demanding, super-divas... but, you know what... Hollywood has a damn good point... this couldn't have been portrayed more clearly than on the recent dating show which starred Chili from TLC... (as I type this, I'm hit w/ the revelation that her actions were probably solely for the camera... BUT, they could still be true... anywho...) Chili had the most unrealistic, annoying "list" that I'd ever witnessed in my entire existence. & to be honest, I just realized that I have actually encountered women w/ these dreadful "lists." un-freaking-believable... how the hell do you function w/ a "list" (I totally imagine saying that word w/ disdain on my face that can only be rivaled w/ eating a spoiled, sour apple)... I mean, do you go on each date w/ a "list" of questions, & check each one off as the candidate answers... & do you dismiss a candidate b/c you didn't like his watch... cause clearly it was on your list that you had to like his watch... I mean, WTF?! How in the hell do you expect to build a connection w/ a person when all you can concentrate on is the fcuking "list" of demands running thru your head??? (throwing my hands up in the air in complete despair) I just don't get it. Don't get me wrong, I definitely have preferences, but am I going to dismiss someone b/c they don't fully match my "list?" & I'm sorry, my memory is terrible, so I would either forget to carry my "list" w/ me, or I would completely forget what the hell I included on the damn thing... *huffing & puffing*... that's just STUPID!

& I'm going to let you in on a little secret, ladies... usually, the woman that has the damn "list" is the one that has ALL the demands w/ no intention of reciprocating... who the hell wants to be w/ someone like that!?

Sure, we're supposed to be treating like queens, but shit... y'all want the royal treatment & then treat the dude like an UN-royal subject... & SURPRISE, ladies... you're outnumbered... so, you can walk around like yo' shit don't stank if you want to... you can walk around thinking that you are just too royal to be passed up by anyone... & I guarantee that you will continuously watch those potential kings pass you by... looks only last so long... attraction only last so long...

Oooooo, but don't think I've forgotten the flip-side of the list-toting interviewer... we also have the list-toting advertiser... AH YES!... these are the black women that walk around w/ their "list" of attributes... I'm a good woman b/c... 1. I'm intelligent, 2. I can cook... blah, blah, blah... These women wave their "good woman" status around like a fcuking get-out-of-jail free card... holding it over every suitor's head as if to say, "you'll never find another like me!" UMMMMM, boo, yes he will... while the market is flooded w/ skanks, hood-rats, & video hoes alike, there is also an army of educated, independent, soul-food cooking women that are ready & willing to "cater" to a man, or @ least show him the "list." But, a good woman/candidate doesn't have to advertise her "good" qualities b/c she allows her actions to speak louder than her words... & btw, the only thing that separates you from another "good woman" is timing & chemistry... so, while your peach cobbler may be the best in Mayberry, he will gladly choose the candidate that hasn't cooked a cobbler a day in her life, but is willing, b/c he enjoys her "conversation."

4. Black women are too... RELIGIOUS...

I must admit, this is an EKM original... I had to include it for shock-value & good ol' comedic flare! Please don't think that I'm the 2nd coming of Satan, ladies... of course, I love God & have a personal relationship w/ them... however, I must admit that I have to laugh every time I see these bible-toting, Christian women try their hand @ having a dating/social life. These are the women w/ a clear "list" of what they don't do... 1. I don't drink, 2. I don't want to go here or there b/c the devil is there, 3. I don't kiss until the 8.5th date b/c God told me not to... Extreme??? I don't think so... These people exist. No one is asking you to sell your soul to the devil in order to have a relationship w/ a man, but I strongly doubt that the most God-fearing man would want such an uptight & restricted woman... there's a difference in representing yourself as a God-fearing, respectable woman, & the bible-toting, door-to-door knocking, missionary that is often replicated in such movies as the Friday series. If you really trust in God, you don't have to shout out His name every time you're faced w/ an uncomfortable situation... how about being confident in your faith enough to not use it to call every activity "evil" or "un-Godly." I can't stress enough, how annoyed I am w/ people that are always putting God's name on everything... 1. God told me that I should go to the store, 2. God told me that he's the one... no, he's the one... no, he's the one... There is only ONE ONE... every man can't be "The One." You're so busy putting God's name on everything that you probably DON'T hear him when He's really trying to speak to you... hell, He's probably trying to tell you to lighten up & have some fun.

So, there... here's my list of reasons why black men choose to go to the other side... & the moral of the story is: a little open-mindedness never hurt any body...

Darkness...

You'd assume from the title that I'm in some sort of turmoil... that my day has been terrible, or that I'm in a dark place... I'm not... but, someone very dear to me is... & though I don't fully feel or understand the depths of his situation, a part of me can still feel his pain & see him hurting... you know that saying, "my heart goes out..." Well, my heart is going out to this person... my heart is w/ this person b/c he stole it! Seems like the more complicated a relationship is, the more difficult it is to remove it from your life... your emotions are wrapped up in a web that you'll never be able to understand, but you know that what you feel is real.

Well, I don't want to delve too deeply into emotions or detail today b/c I've actually had a damn good day, & though I care deeply for this person, I've shed one too many tears in his honor... but, my heart is still w/ him. & I pray that he will find his way soon... perhaps, I'll still be waiting @ the end of the trail.

I now pronounce you...

So, I saw it coming, but then again, I tried to be optimistic, BUT... the time has come... I am now the last of the bunch... the lone ranger... I am the only remaining single woman of my group of friends... sigh... I've approached this time w/ mixed feelings. To be honest, being single has been more of a subconscious CHOICE for me. I've chosen to spend time w/ some "bad apples" b/c I've never approached single hood nor holy matrimony w/ any specific intent. Everything has been pretty haphazard & w/o real consideration. So, as I've probably stated on this space in the past, I'm not particularly mad about being single to this point, b/c I know that it's been mostly of my own doing. & until a couple years ago, I had no desire to unite w/ any of the "bad apples," or anyone else, for that matter. So now, the desire to be united w/ someone has become a conscious desire for me, yet, I still have mixed feelings...

My sole intent for marriage is children... for whatever reason, it's become a firm requirement that I become married before I even consider giving birth... maybe, it's b/c I've held on to my record of surviving 28 years w/o a single pregnancy/abortion on my record... I'm very proud of that... but, that's not a testament to my discipline... it's been achieved thru sheer luck/blessing; which ever you prefer. YET, I think it would be so "me" to give birth out of wedlock... why, you might ask... b/c I'm not totally sold on marriage... as much as I desire it, it honestly doesn't fit my personality type... I'm a loner... a distant soul, by nature... I love from a distance. & while I have shown signs of being delivered from this debilitating flaw, I've also clung to it throughout my life. So, what success would such a detached person have in marriage... I'm not sure... maybe, I should consult one on this issue.


Not to mention, the idea of a "life partner" has always been intriguing to me. That title affords a person all the benefits of a committed, long-lasting relationship w/o all the political/societal stereotypes & requirements. I will never lie & say that I want to be alone/single for my entire life... @ the end of the day, I'm a hopeless romantic, so I most certainly want to share my life w/ someone... I want security in knowing that I share an unwavering commitment w/ someone. So, here's where I begin to play devil's advocate... does marriage truly provide the security that I, & so many others, seek? My cynic nature tells me that it doesn't. Quite honestly, I believe that marriage is one of the most elusive aspects of life... marriage has become an institution in which so many have chosen to hide behind. Marriage has become the ultimate cover-up. Don't get me wrong, I don't have negative opinions about marriage, just realistic ones. & I love seeing genuinely happy couples... it's the cutest thing.


So, realistically, I believe that too many people get married too soon & for the wrong reasons... too many people marry during the "puppy-love" state... when everything is ooooo & starry-eyed. & while that is definitely the best time of a relationship, it is not the best time to make a serious decision such as marriage... b/c when the oooooo's & starry-eyes disappear, reality sets in... & it's not always pretty. & this is where my argument that marriage is the ultimate illusion is birthed...

Besides having a successful career & all the things that it affords a person, marriage is probably the only other tangible thing that most people associate w/ success & happiness. For single-women, it's a coveted title. Thousands of women rush to the alter each year, w/ the full knowledge that their relationship is in shambles... but, oh how sweet it is to have the ring, the dress, & the title. There are thousands of women marrying men that they barely know, each year; whether it's a result of internet dating, or just good old-fashioned desperation. Ironically, you have the anti-desperatist (an EKM original!) whose sole purpose is to show how UN-desperate she is, so she spends her entire life in single hood... believing that she should be rewarded for her independence & high-standards... YET, she's completely miserable... but, that's another topic for another post. (& I REFUSE to be this woman)

So, we have all these women, rushing to the alter in the attempt to banish the cursed "single-woman" status... in this regard, this gives men total control... not to mention, this shows their maturity in having the ability to make an unemotional, mature decision... some of them (maybe, the majority), @ least. Because, why is it ok for a man to wait 'til his early to mid-30's to become married, but, when a woman does this, it's b/c she's almost expiring or tainted... SHE is the lucky one b/c someone FINALLY chose her... totally a double-standard... But, to be honest, while women do mature faster than men, this may be the one area in which they don't... so, maybe they need the time more than men do, but, men actually exercise the right to use it. Women are usually so in love w/ love that they will stick w/ it @ all costs... & while that could be recognized as unconditional love or an unwavering commitment to a person, sometimes it's just downright useless & unhealthy. & the stigma of being the last to get married has encouraged a rat race among women that's caused numerous forms of deception... putting holes in condoms is one example.


So, I've bashed women... but, men are to blame as well... the man that has the honest desire & maturity to make a lifetime commitment to a woman, should be commended... BUT, this commitment rarely last. & while most people will site infidelity as the most popular reason for divorce, it's connected to a larger issue, & that is communication. I don't know very many men that are notable communicators. Most men will say that women talk too much, but, most women will say that men don't talk enough. & while there is a misunderstanding between genders, each side is correct... to an extent. Women have to realize that EVERYTHING isn't up for discussion. Some things should just be released. However, men have to realize that there should be no secret between them & their partner that could potentially alter their lives together or separately... when a union is formed, men have the obligation to communicate their most important issues & concerns to their partner... no questions asked. BUT, this fails to happen way too often. When communication begins to fade & secrets are formed, is when unhappiness & mistrust surface. If a man can't completely share himself w/ his partner, then he shouldn't have chosen her in the 1st place. Undoubtedly, each person should maintain a form of the identity that he/she possessed prior to the union, but, once the union is formed, each person must know that EVERY decision that is made will affect the other person... will alter the union in some manner... this is where most men lack the necessary maturity needed for marriage. & this is why a lot of men don't get married... b/c they are unwilling to relinquish this freedom.

True, the issues that I've mentioned can happen under any union or circumstance; however, I believe that the inherent pressure to maintain the sanctity & laws of marriage can ultimately crack the foundation. You might say, "well... having a life partner ultimately gives the person the freedom or right to make a decision that won't directly affect the other person... it gives a person the freedom to conduct himself as he pleases." I believe this to be completely untrue. A verbal, written, or electronic commitment is what it is... a person's word... if a person fails to abide by or complete a contract or commitment, then he has failed to do what he said he was going to do... the only difference between a life-partner & a marriage partner is that marriage affords you the right to the other person's possessions when the commitment is broken... so, the real question is... do you really want a commitment or access to someone's possessions...

2010, I heart you :)

Sooooo, 2010 got off to a slow, annoying, & mundane start for me... I was confused as ever & totally dissatisfied w/ my life... I'd invested a lot of time & energy into things that I knew were pointless... BUT, I'm happy to report that I've finally come out of hibernation & am moving in the right direction. & for once, it feels like this year could be the best one in a really long time... not that my life has ever been bad or hard, but I've been living purposeless & uninspired for way, too long.

So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed... hoping that my efforts will no longer be in vain.

Sometimes...

I wish I could just fly away...

I wish I would've enrolled in a foreign exchange program when I was in college... my college Spanish teacher told us how he lived in Mexico for like 3 or 4 years & just immersed himself in the culture, & that's how he learned the language... I love stories like that!

Insanity

I get tired of hearing the definition of insanity... so many people have used it as their FB statuses... I think it annoys me b/c it's so simple, it's almost too simple... but, it is sooooooooooooooooo true... & I've discovered that I've driven myself insane w/ the same silly mistakes... I almost want to believe that I just have dumb luck... that maybe it isn't my fault... maybe, it's b/c of some unknown being or universe that has chosen me to torture... but, it's not... it's just me being dumb & unbelievably careless... my carelessness NEVER ceases to amaze me... it's amazing how many different areas of my life it affects... one of the most important areas is finances...

With that said, I've decided that I need to go on a spending freeze... SO, I'm pledging to not spend money on any items other than necessities, i.e., bills, food, & gas... & food is limited to cooked meals... I really need to understand where my money is going & how I can stop it from leaving my hands/bank accounts so quickly... SO, wish me luck... I'm sure it will be hard, but it MUST be done...

Hmmm... to make it even more interested, I think I may try a fast as well... going to have to find a good & reasonable one... fasting is so hard for me... not that I really enjoy eating, but fasting just makes it 20 times more difficult to make food choices...

The spend freeze will begin tomorrow... I may wait til Monday to begin the fast.

Motivational/Inspirational

I'm always so moved when I attend conferences, whether it be @ work or on my personal time... it's like a drug... it provides a temporary high. But, I normally tuck that high in my back pocket & forget all about it. I think I have a very compulsive personality... & as I left the conference that I attended today, I thought, "I should attend conferences like all the time!" Yea, right! Or, maybe that's the whole purpose of attending church regularly... hmm... that makes a lot of sense.

Anyway... I'm not sure where I want to go w/ my career, but what I do know is that I want to do something different... & I want to provide a service to people, but I'm not sure what that service is... I don't know... I'm thinking... (as the Jeopardy song plays in my head).

I wonder how long it's going to take me to figure it out... not that I'm on a time crunch, but I'm just curious... I'm curious about the next couple chapters in my little story (my life).

& maybe I should start doing that church thing more often!

No Child Left Behind

The idea of giving every child in this country a chance to earn an education is wonderful; however, unfortunately, the reality is that some children want to be left behind... not literally speaking, but figuratively... I'm only arguing this point to support things that I will discuss later in this post... but, anyway... many children & young adults are aware of the resources and opportunities available to them, but they're too damn lazy to tap into them... they don't want to put forth the effort to excel, to do what's necessary to create a stable & respectable life...

I say all this b/c I know from personal experience... as I've often spoken of, I've realized in recent years that I'm too damn lazy for my own good... my educational experience can be summed up in one phrase, "doing enough to get by." I was often an honor roll student, but I made a comfortable home in the "middle of the pack." I was comfortable w/ a 3.0 - 3.2 range of gpa's... achieving a 4.0 was just too much damn work... not really, but I just preferred to do other things than to spend an extra hour or 2 studying or whatever.

All of this lack of effort has finally come full circle & taken a ginormous bite out of my ass... of all the professions available to me, I would choose one that would require more technical & critical thinking skills than any one other than medicine, maybe... & I now realize that my half-hearted effort just isn't good enough to attain the recognition and financial security that this profession does actually offer... Yea, I'm working towards my CPA, but even that seems like a task that's more than I can chew... though, I'm praying that for once in my life, I can step up to the plate & complete & accomplish something that will benefit me far, far into the future.

Am I in love w/ this profession, of course not, but for an indecisive, aloof individual, as myself, it's the best decision that I've made in my life, thus far, b/c it has forced me to confront my laziness & complacent attitude.

To get right down to it... I'm faced w/ being left behind & unneeded, & it's not a good feeling... I've watched as several people that were hired w/ me, or after me, have been promoted, recognized, & consistently chosen. & the scary truth is that I have no other option @ this point... right now, I need this profession far more than it needs me. & I believe until I overcome the issues that have caused me to consistently underachieve, I'll never be able to accomplish & reach my true goals or passions.

As I've said, repeatedly, old habits die a really slooooow death... but, the first step in every road to recover is acceptance & admittance. But, no matter if it's in this profession or another, I am determined to overcome the things that I have continuously allowed to stunt my progression.

I'm sure I've said all these things before, @ some point in this space... but, writing is a subconscious reminder... I needed a reminder today.

It's that time, again...

Time to get my workout plan together... whether it's Kanye's plan or someone else's plan, I need a good one, ASAP! I had some other topic on the brain, but I'm too tired to remember right now... 3 miles of running took all the energy that I had... but, it felt so good; so glad that I went... Hoping that I can maintain a consistent routine thru the summer... it's not really about being a certain size or losing weight, but maintaining a healthy lifestyle... so many of the illnesses that we suffer from, are caused by lack of exercise & poor eating habits... & also, I still want to turn heads @ 40 & 50! But, it starts @ 20, or in my 20's... so, now! I've done decently, thus far. But, in the past couple months, my midsection has grown frightful... so, I want to take control before the situation becomes out of control... exercising, especially running, is also good meditation & relaxation for me... one of the few times that my brain is talking, excessively. I need to put forth more effort into making sure that I balance my life... & need to stop being so damn lazy, in general... I'm trying, I'm trying... but, old habits die soooooooooo slowly!

Rogue

I feel like I've had this topic before, & I probably have... I swear my brain is like a merry-go-round... & I'm not sure if it's due to my bad memory or just good ol' dejavu that causes me to often times be in situations or say things that have already happened or been said... anywho, someone asked one day, what superhero did I identify w/ or would I want to be... I chose Rogue from X-men b/c she's like a chameleon... she absorbs the powers of those that she comes into contact w/... I believe that this is a quality that I have; however, I'd like to develop it to be a lot more beneficial for me... I believe that I'm pretty good @ adapting to most situations & environments; however, what I don't do well is absorb the good qualities of those that surround me... I have so many examples of good & inspiring people around me... & I often times feel their energy; however, I hardly ever put the energy that I've absorbed to use. It's a blessing to be around such good company... as much as I know that I'm a loner, I also know that I starve w/o real, meaningful human interaction... I would never want to completely shield myself from the world... of course, a lot like Rogue, I do seclude myself @ times in order to revitalize or recharge my powers! & I'm more about quality than quantity, anyway... I don't like being surrounded by a lot of people just to feel important... I'd rather stick w/ 5 or 6 people that I know will enrich my life to the fullest. As I said in my previous post... I am such a dreamer... & I fear that I will never become the girl in my head b/c the girl that stands before me is too damn lazy! BUT, I'm taking baby steps... after all, how does that saying go about the one that wins the race... there goes that bad memory, again!

Hmmm...

So, I've been away... I don't have much to say but wanted to write something... feeling a little inspired... I'm such a dreamer... not many of my dreams have become reality, yet; however, I'd like to think that I'm putting forth an honest effort to accomplish that. It seems like such a long process, though. I don't want to live a boring life forever... I'll get it right soon enough... ok, I'm done typing jibberish!

Age Ain't Nothing But A Number...

...throwing down ain't nothing but a thang... used to love that song! thought I was grown listening to all that "baby making" music... Whew... thank God, I didn't end up pregnant.

Anywho... I celebrated my born-day on yesterday... didn't really celebrate, but I was surely thankful to see another one. Most women stop revealing their age @ one point or another, & I've sort of decided to adopt this practice as well... but, not @ all b/c I'm ashamed of my age, but moreso b/c I don't feel my age. Most people don't believe how old I am when I tell them, anyway... so, I'm going to continue to embrace my youth! Why not!? Why not live as if I have 5 or 10 more years before I turn 30?!

No, no, no... this doesn't mean that I'm going to revert to immaturity, but that I'm going to do all I can to sustain my health, image, & vibrancy/vitality.

So... here's to many more years as a 23-year old... LOL!

A Change Gon' Come

I don't think anyone could sing that song like Sam Cooke... he sang it in a way that made you believe that a change, a major change, was going to come.

@ this exact moment in my life, this song has never rang so true. It's funny how people go thru life w/ slight flaws but they always culminate into something ginormous. I have suffered this common demise. I, for whatever reason, have prided myself on laziness, procrastination, & lack of attention to detail... but, laziness has been the main culprit.

Laziness has cost me, & those that I love, more time & money than I can count. & it has pushed me into a dreadful corner, where I feel trapped & helpless. Laziness has far exceeded my effort, b/c while I have put forth effort @ various things, that effort has been washed away by one single instance of laziness... this coins the phrase "taking 2 steps forward & 2 steps back."

But, like my good friend Sam said, "A change gon' come." Or @ least I hope so b/c this is no way to live.

I find it funny/ironic that so many people suffer from trying so hard not to be something, that they subconsciously become that something.

This is no different in my case... while I have never tried to present myself as "having it all together," I've prided myself on @ least giving it a try... but, in retrospect what was my try, really... but, I've tried my best NOT to be the clueless, spoiled chick, yet no matter what I've done or how hard I've tried, I think this is still the perception of me. I know that some of it is me being my own worst critic, but I also know that some of it is true.

& I think that this is significantly due to my lazy & detached nature... allowing things to "fall by the wayside," for no other reason, but laziness & lack of concern.

Another culprit is self-loathing/self-punishment... most people think that by being hard on themselves, or punishing themselves, it solves the problem or makes those involved feel better, but it doesn't. The remorse only lasts so long & ultimately, more often than not, the person repeats the behavior later on. & that's usually where tough love comes into play, & when it is needed most.

I am probably harder on myself than I need to be. But, like my example, I somehow find myself repeating the same behaviors.

So, I'm finally ready to say that "the buck stops here." I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of feeling clueless. & I'm tired of getting the same results... there is no way that I will be able to succeed, or successfully function as a person, if I continue down the same path... it has not been a terrible path, but I'm sure that it's not the one that my parents, & most importantly, God, have chosen for me... it's not the one that I want for myself b/c it's unbelievably draining & depressing.

So, Sam, I'm taking you up on that... a change is coming.

Update: wow, this was a really depressing entry, BUT, it was honest... & that's the only thing that I know to be.

Julie, Julia, & Me

I really enjoyed this movie... Meryl Streep was superb. But, I couldn't help but think about the fact that it must have been a strain for Julie to take on such an ambitious goal. Judging by the couple's modest apartment, it appeared that Julie & her husband didn't have much money. For that reason, & a few others, it seemed like it would be unrealistic for me to attempt such a goal... Not to mention, I'm not the greatest chef, I'm ok, but I'm often intimidated by complicated recipes... I usually prefer recipes that don't require precise measurements & exotic/unfamiliar ingredients...

However, I've determined that I could attempt a goal somewhat similar, & definitely inspired by the one that Julie accomplished... & that goal is to learn 2 new recipes per week, for this year.

Aside from the CPA exam, income management is probably the biggest goal that I have for this year... for my life. As I mentioned in a previous post, I've already conquered my shopping demons, but I realize that my second largest obstacle in reaching my financial goal is food consumption.

Quite honestly, I don't eat a lot. I'm usually good w/ breakfast & lunch. Dinner is usually an afterthought, & only a major issue after a good workout. Unfortunately, daily visits to random restaurants for lunch, is absolutely killing my budget, & probably my waistline as well. So, as I said, I've conquered the shopping, now I have to conquer the eating.

Of course, the logical solution is to cook more. & to an extent, I have no problem w/ that... but, the extent is that I am not very fond of leftovers. There is a very limited list of items that I enjoy eating a second time around... this list includes fish, stews/soups, & pasta... meatloaf is also a consideration. I don't like chicken b/c it's normally dry by the second day, & it smells horrible when re-heated... the reheat issue also applies to pork & any other meat w/ a bone... truthfully, I think it's the bone that causes the stench... makes the meat smell re-heated, overcooked meat.

Also, I only know a limited number of recipes. The limited repertoire also bothers me b/c I want to be a decent chef for my future husband. I always think about my dad & how he complained about his ex-wife's limited menu options... I think she rotated the same 5 recipes each week, & that really is unacceptable & boring. So, I don't want to torture my husband or my children. Our generation has become so accustomed to dining out & it negatively affects so many aspects of our lives, including our health.

I always tell people how I wish I would've had the opportunity to take home economics in school. I think that course should be reinstated in our schools. Girls really don't know how to cook anymore, & I think it's sad. I wish I knew how to cook like women did "back in the day..." making everything from scratch, from biscuits to ice cream. I think it's a lost art among my generation.

So, my little goal will ultimately kill quite a few birds w/ one stone.

My only dilemma is that busy season starts in a couple weeks, & spans thru May, so it's going to be quite difficult to accomplish. Not only are we required to work @ least 55 hours/week during this time, but my schedule for this year includes quite a bit of traveling, including a couple months stay in New Jersey. But, I think I will still be able to swing it when I'm in town b/c I can just commit to trying one recipe on a weekday & then one recipe on the weekend. Of course, I'll have to put the project on hold while I'm in New Jersey.

But, I'm excited... I even want to reach out to my FB friends & ask for recipes & suggestions.

I think I will start the project next week. I'd like to start it this week, preferably Saturday, but a friend & I are planning to go hiking so I'm sure that will consume the day.

But, I will start digging for recipes... I actually have a pretty decent cookbook.

So, let the games begin!